Bye-Bye 2009

It is so hard to believe 2009 is over! As difficult as this past year has been, we have had many successes in our quest for a baby. We switched to a well-known, highly respected fertility specialist last January, grew my uterus over an inch, learned that Clomid is just not for me, and figured out what kind of ovulation induction drugs my body responds to. Not too shabby!

I am thankful for those little victories, but I am also thankful for a new year. There's always a sense of accomplishment when one year ends and a new one begins. There's also a sense of excitement and anticipation about what's to come. I've always loved waking up on New Year's Day morning and thinking about what might be in store for that year.

Bye-bye 2009 and welcome 2010!

p.s. We're having a little debate in this house... Do we say the new year as "two thousand ten" or "twenty ten"? As a teacher, I'm a little nervous about what to tell my kids next week when we do calendar! :)

One more 2009 victory that was too early in the making to reveal in this post originally: we received a Christmas miracle! On December 21, 2009, Karl and I found out we are expecting our first child! 2009 was truly a year of overcoming and success! We have much to look forward to in this new year and are beyond thrilled to be starting 2010 as a family of 3!

What I Love About IUI Days

We are scheduled for an IUI on Wednesday morning! My estrogen came back at 3,200 today, which is really high. Dr. H. herself called to let me know that. She's never called me before. It made me nervous to hear her voice on my voicemail! The highest I've ever been was 1,970 back in July. Apparently there's an increase in the chance of multiples when your numbers are that high, but that's good news to me! I have one mature follicle at 1.92 cm, and two almost-mature ones at 1.66 each (they'll be close to mature by Wednesday). Then there are so many smaller ones that I lost count. They're too small to matter though. However, it's all those little ones that I think spiked my estrogen. When my estrogen was high this summer, I had mild OHSS (ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome) after the IUI. That's when the ovaries swell and the follicles fill back up with fluid, which puts a lot of weight on the ovaries. Your abdominal cavity also fills with the fluid and swells. It's pretty uncomfortable and can be dangerous when it's severe. Dr. H. said I should expect it to be a little worse this time than it was in the summer (not severe though). I'm okay with that. Now I have the perfect excuse to leave all vacuuming, laundry, and housework to Karl! :)
I'm very excited about our IUI though! I have come to look forward to and treasure our IUI days. This is the day when we could make a baby! We normally get to the hospital around 7:30. We do what we need to do to get what we need from Karl (I'll spare you the details), and then we have an hour and a half to piddle around while they get everything ready for us. We use that time to go to the Starbucks in the main part of the hospital and get coffee and vanilla bean scones. We always enjoy people-watching during this time! After that, we visit the gift shop and browse through a couple magazines. Normally by that point, it's about time to head back upstairs. When they take us back to the room, I get situated, and then a doctor comes in to do the actual insemination. Dr. H. always prays over us at this point when she does the IUI. That's just one of many prayers that is sent to God from us that day. We have about 20 minutes of time alone after that, and I stay flat on the table to prevent gravity from messing things up. Sometimes they do an ultrasound to check and see if I'm ovulating, but sometimes they don't. Then we're free to go. On the way home, we stop for lunch, and then I spend the rest of the day resting in bed or on the couch. I know it doesn't sound like an exciting day, but it could be the beginning of my child's life, and that is the most exciting thing in the whole world! It truly feels like Christmas day with all the anticipation and excitement that go into that day, and then the thrill and joy of the day itself. It really is a wonderful and special day.

No IVF Yet

After Dr. H. talked to us about moving on to in-vitro, I was very upset. I felt I had failed once again. However, I knew I had a month to think about it, and I was sure at the end of that month I would have my conquering spirit back. I was wrong. Throughout the month, I sat down to read our folder of information many times, and each time I stopped because I was so upset over it. I prayed, and the uneasiness never went away. I became so frustrated over it that the mere thought of it made me cry. I want a baby, and I want one now (I'm obviously not blessed with large amounts of patience :)), but yet in-vitro just didn't feel right to me. I couldn't pin-point why, and that just added to the frustration. As my month started drawing to a close, I began to feel a little excited about doing it and like I was ready for battle again. I think I was trying to convince myself that this is what we needed to do. Then when I started my period Saturday morning, I had a big meltdown! My month was up. It was time to make a decision, but I didn't know what to do. In-vitro didn't feel right, but doing nothing at all didn't feel right either. Karl asked me if I would want to do another injections cycle, and I said I thought that was a great idea. We already had a meeting with Dr. H. scheduled for Tuesday to discuss the in-vitro, so we could discuss injections instead. I was so scared to talk to her though! Here she is, our doctor who we trust, and we are telling her that we don't like what she thinks is best for us and would rather to something she said is highly unlikely to be successful for us. When I told her that fear after we talked about doing injections again, she said she was anything but offended and hopes that we will always be true to our feelings and trust our instincts. She said if I'm not at peace with doing in-vitro, then we don't need to do it right now. She also talked to us about how we need to believe that God is using infertility to shape our hearts, and that as painful as this is, we will be better people because of it.

I can't say that I feel particularly great about this cycle (our chances are slim and the numbers for my blood work came back higher than they ever have before, which is a little concerning), but I'm trying to trust that each month is bringing us closer to our baby. If it doesn't work this time, we will still be one month closer to starting that precious life.

If You Want Me To

This song touched my heart today in church, and I wanted to share it. Despite whatever struggle you have in your life, I think everyone can find themselves somewhere in these lyrics.

The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

No I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When You lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the darkness
If You want me to

When I cross over Jordan, I'm gonna sing, gonna shout
Gonna look into your eyes and see you never let me down
So take me on the pathway that leads me home to you
And I will walk through the valley if you want me to

Yes, I will walk through the valley if you want me to

-Lyrics by Ginny Owens

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

Thanksgiving

I saw a great idea a couple months ago for Thanksgiving. It's a "Thankful Jar," and each year, you're supposed to write down something that you're thankful for and put it in the jar. It would be so neat to see how your list changes from year to year and to one day be able to look back on a life full of so many blessings.

We can have a life overflowing with goodness, but as soon as one bad thing comes along, we (I) tend to focus on that. I have a wonderful life. That's all there is to it. However, in the past year, I have felt completely hopeless and disheartened at times. My heart has been flooded by my own tears, and I have felt myself drowning in sorrow all because of one bad thing. Now it is one horrible, gut-wrenching, wouldn't-wish-on-my-worst-enemy thing, but it is only one thing. My quality of my life can and should be defined by so much more than infertility. Since I do have this one bad thing that takes up so much time and emotion, I decided that this would be the perfect year to start a "Thankful Jar." With a life full of so many wonderful blessings, I think now is a good time to be reflective and give thanks for those things.

I wanted my list to have three of the good and wonderful things that I have especially valued this year on it. I think each year's list should be reflective of that year. With that said, here is my list for 2009...

1. I am thankful for a husband who is patient and positive and supportive. The love that man gives me blows my mind every day. He patiently loves me day in and day out, through crazy hormones and tearful ends to cycles. He stands strong for me and encourages me through days when I feel like I've been completely broken. I love his quiet perseverance and endless devotion to what he loves and believes in. God blessed me richly by making me his wife.

2. I am thankful for God's protection during these tough economic times. Karl and I both have great jobs to go to every day that enable us to have a roof over our head, food on our table, and clothes on our back (all in great abundance). The thought of how many people who have lost their jobs and homes this year is truly heartbreaking. People's spirits and dreams have been broken. Lives haves been permanently changed in sad ways. God blessed us though. Although there are days when I question my own sanity for being a kindergarten teacher, the truth is I get to work in a beautiful school every day with precious children who I am hopefully impacting for the better.

3. I am thankful for my doctor and all she is doing to help me become a mommy. She has brought me a long way this year. Heck, let's not forget that she grew my uterus over an inch this year! Although I'm not yet pregnant, she did get me ovulating, and that was a big step for me! She is knowledgeable, determined, and caring. She sees the pain in our hearts, and she cares about it. Month by month, she prays with us and devises plans unique to our case. She is a good doctor, and I am thankful to be her patient.

Happy Thanksgiving!

The Big Step

I know I've said that the months we have spent trying to conceive our baby have been the longest and hardest of my life. We have been trying for 16 months, and I've been on medication for 13 months. However, after today's meeting with the doctor, I was left going, "Wait, it hasn't been that long!" Dr. H. says it's time to move on to in-vitro. She said I've fought hard, and I've made it past where a lot of women do. I wanted to tell her that I have so much more fight in me. She also said she knows it's hard to imagine now, but there will come a day when this is behind us, and when we have that first baby, this will only be a distant memory. I can't explain the emotion that came over me at that moment. Is it possible that this will ever be a distant memory? Or have the wounds been re-opened so many times that they will never heal? We have spent day after day, and month after month, grieving. Each failed cycle brings on a new wave of grief. That wound in my heart has been pierced again and again, and I just can't imagine not living with this ache. It feels like it is a part of me now. My life has adjusted to going on around it. When she said that this will one day be behind us, I felt this huge sense of relief. It was like being told your most valued possession that had been broken beyond repair in your eyes could in fact be fixed. Life could be redeemed. But there's the expense to get there, and with no guarantees...

The thought of what's ahead is terrifying. I have honestly never been more afraid in my life. The emotional, physical, mental, and financial costs will be huge. The intensity of taking this step is enormous. She said in-vitro is our best chance to conceive. This is her recommendation and what she would do if it were her. She's the expert on this too. However, this is our ace card. The best card in your hand that you save until you have to use it. But the only way to know if it's your winning card, is to play it.

Not Where I Thought I'd Be

At no point during the past 16 months have I been where I thought I'd be. I never imagined having to fight so hard to fulfill a dream. I never thought infertility and I would know each other so well. I never knew how badly I wanted a baby.
Isn't it funny how most days come and go, and you never remember them at all? Then there are other days/weeks/events that are completely engraved in your memory? This time last year, I was waiting on my period. We had found out about the PCOS, and I had taken Provera to induce a new cycle. Between the horrible news and the first round of messing with my hormones, I was an emotional disaster. To make matters worse, I couldn't seem to start my period even with the Provera. I waited and waited and waited.
Here I am one year later, and I'm doing the exact same thing: waiting on my period. This is not where I thought I'd be. I'll admit that last year I couldn't even (and was afraid to) imagine my life one year later, but had I imagined, this is not where I thought I'd be. We are 16 months into this journey, and only God knows how many months stand before us. Once again, I'm afraid to even imagine.
This week's been rough. I know I've stayed silent on this blog for almost a month, but things seemed to be going so well that I was afraid to put words to it. I was afraid that if I told anyone how well my cycle was proceeding or how hopeful I felt or how I really thought I was pregnant this time, then somehow that would mess it all up. The beginning of this cycle was really smooth: I was cleared to use the shots, the medicines were delivered to the house without any complications, my response was beautiful (I had 3 big, healthy looking follicles), and our IUI went great. I felt like I was holding my breath for the next two weeks. My boobs were sore, and my uterus was tender. I dreamed about being pregnant and holding a baby, and I would even find myself praying for this child I believed was in me when I would wake up during the night. In my heart, I believed we had finally gotten to the place where we have so desperately longed to be.
Then Monday came. We went to the doctor for my blood test. The nurse called earlier than normal and left me a message. I was excited because I thought she was calling me first out of the other girls who had been tested that day because my test was positive (I don't know how I come up with this stuff). As I listened to the message, I couldn't believe what I was told. The test was negative. I listened again because I was certain I had heard wrong. But I hadn't. The baby I had prayed for and fallen in love with didn't exist. The baby that would have been due on my birthday was just another broken dream.
And so here I am, not where I ever thought I would be, exactly where I was one year ago today.

The Next Plan

After meeting with the doctor today, we have our new plan. It's not that different from the old one (I'm a little frustrated by that, but since she is the one with the medical degree, I'm trying to trust her). I will not be taking any pills this cycle...no Femara or Clomid...and doing just injections. That's how it's different. The way that it's the same is that she didn't increase my shot dosage. She said my response at 75 iu's has been good, and she doesn't want me to grow more than 3 follicles. If I have 3 or more maturing follicles, she will cancel the cycle because of the risk of multiples. My feeling is that since I haven't gotten pregnant yet, then I need more medicine! However, since I'm not taking any pills, I will be doing the shots longer, so hopefully my response will be stronger this time. One of the reasons she took the pills out of the plan is because my lining is not getting thick enough, which might be a side effect from them. I had the courage to ask her if there was any reason she had to believe that this would never work for us. She said she isn't concerned and this is all just about finding the right thing that makes all this click. You know, it's hard to not feel like a big puzzle being put together when you're a patient at a fertility clinic.

Acceptance

On October 3, 2008, my life changed in one single phone call. The perfect little plan I had for my life was lost, my world was turned upside down, and I knew it was going to be a long way down before I went back up. A friend told me last winter that she believes we (infertility girls) go through the stages of grief in our quest for a baby. She put words to my emotions. I was grieving. Immediately I prayed for acceptance. I even fooled myself into believing I had accepted this months and months before I actually did. You see, I thought when you reached that stage, everything would be better. Life would be normal again. I was wrong. Acceptance means learning to live with the source of your grief. Your life does become "normal;" it's just not the normal you knew before. Today's normal involves weekly doctor's appointments, a dining room table lined with fertility medicines, infertility and pregnancy books by the bathtub for nightly reading, alarms set for taking medicines, avoiding certain parts of Wal-Mart, and lots and lots of praying. The very things that once brought tears to my eyes have become part of my daily routine. And it is okay. My life is different now. My heart is different now. I thank God for that. God has used infertility to shape my heart. As hard as it is to admit, infertility has brought good to my life. Regardless of how this turns out, my life will always be changed because of it. Although I still do grieve the end of each failed cycle and each life that never was, I don't grieve the journey anymore. Where my heart and soul had been pierced last year, there's a peace now. Maybe that's what acceptance is all about: finding peace.

Last night as I read from Calm My Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow, I found her words particularly meaningful:

"...contentment is a yielding to our Great, Almighty, Holy King...He is the Blessed Controller of our circumstances, gifts, abilities, possessions, roles, and relationships...We accept what He has allowed in the past. We accept what He has allowed today. And we give all our tomorrows to Him. A humility grows within us that He is the loving controller of all things...The soul worship of God is to be content with what He gives, to be thankful in all things."

IUI #2-Update

I guess I just left everyone hanging after that last post. The IUI did not go as well as I had hoped it would, and I just didn't want to talk about it. The ultrasound after the IUI showed that the follicle had not ruptured like it should have, which makes me think that it was in fact a cyst. To make a long story short, this turned out like every other cycle. I'm not pregnant. Again.

I've always heard that it's in your most despairing moments that you're greatest writing moments occur. This blog has been my outlet for 9 months now, and although the writing on here has been far from great, it has been a source for me to let all the thoughts that fill my heart with sorrow to escape me. I've found tremendous relief at this keyboard. However, I find myself now with nothing to say.

IUI #2

We are scheduled for IUI #2 on Friday morning at 9:15!

My lining is still a little thin (it's at .5, and it needs to be at .8), but hopefully it will have thickened by Friday. I have one follicle on my right side that is pretty big. We thought it might be a cyst at first since it was the only one there and it was so big. You know how well I grow cysts! Based on my estrogen levels though, it's just a very mature follicle. I guess this one follicle has been hogging all the medicines for itself! It measured at over 2 cm today, and they consider a follicle to be mature at 1.7 cm. I'm very thankful to have this one big and healthy follicle! I am getting my HCG (trigger) shot tonight, and then we'll go in Friday morning for the IUI.

On a side note, thank you for all your prayers. I believe, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that God hears and answers prayers, and I truly believe that God will answer these prayers; it's a matter of time. Just to know that we are daily lifted up in prayer means more to both of us than words could ever express. We are very blessed!

Follow the Leader

Well, as I set out on this new path I had chosen, I was quickly led backwards. I have prayed continuously for God's guidance, and apparently God did not agree with my choice. When I say I was "quickly led backwards," I mean quickly. Like, I posted that last post, thought about how amazingly at peace I was with my decision, and walked from the computer to the bathroom, where low and behold, guess who started her period like a normal girl on day 28? You guessed it...me! I have never started on day 28...NEVER! Even when I was on birth control, my periods were longer than that. I was in complete disbelief. In fact, I didn't know what day of my cycle it was because I didn't keep track and I never once considered (the thought never crossed my mind) that I would start on my own before at least day 45.

Karl and I went to the doc yesterday, and I was cleared to go. My massive cyst has shrunk to just over 1 cm, and the others are gone. I might be able to grow some cysts, but I can shrink them too! I'll begin taking my medicines tonight and continue through at least next Wednesday.

I have to admit that I'm very apprehensive about taking medicines and pursuing this cycle. My heartache is still just as present as it was before I started. The ending to our last try cycle was nothing short of devastating, and just knowing that we are quickly coming upon the day when I found about the pcos is enough of an emotional roller coaster. It was the beginning of September last year when I first called the doctor's office and set up an appointment because I couldn't let go of that feeling that something wasn't right. I know we've come far, but every step has been hard.

Karl and I have agreed that we're taking this one day at a time, and I'm praying that God will give me the emotional strength to get through this-one way or another-and accept that this is all His plan. He is our leader, and He will guide our path.

Sight Seeing

Have you ever just gone driving with no purpose or destination in mind? When I was a little girl, this was a regular occurrence for my dad and me. We would just go driving sometimes, and it was always so much fun. Sometimes we would get lost, sometimes we would stumble upon the most beautiful old barns or houses, and sometimes we would end up in a familiar location and be amazed that the incidental turns we made got us there. One way or another, it was fun.

As I mentioned in the last post, I've come to a fork in my road. I could go one way and return to the RE, get my shot to induce a new cycle, and start my medicines again or I could go another way and not return, at least for now. As out-of-character as this is for me, I've decided to take the second path. I am not going on Monday for my shot, and I'm not going to set a date for when/if I will. If one morning I wake up, and I'm ready to start back, I will. I'm not going to push myself though. For some reason, it doesn't feel right to go back yet, despite how much I want it to.

I'm still heartbroken that we're having to go through this, and I'm still fearful and angry and bitterly sad. It's still hard for me to believe that the last cycle really didn't work, and I've realized this week that I'm still grieving over that failed cycle, along with all the past failed cycles. I also realized that we're coming up on the 1 year mark of when I found out about the PCOS and my whole world turned upside down with that one phone call. If I started going back now, we would find out if the cycle was successful or failed right around that day, and I just can't do that to myself. If I'm supposed to get pregnant this cycle, then I will, with our without returning to the RE. In my heart, I don't think it's going to be this time though, and this just isn't a good time to have to deal with another failed cycle. Maybe that's why I feel led to take this other path right now. I do believe that when we get pregnant, it will happen at a time when we are with the doctor. God led us to her for a reason, but that doesn't mean that right now is when I'll get pregnant.

This seems like a good time to just go and see where this path leads.

A Fork in the Road

August is finally over! Hip, hip, hooray!!

August is not my favorite month. It is miserably hot and humid and school starts back, which is insanely stressful.

This August also had two other negative factors. When I took Clomid for the first time last November, I of course looked up when the due date would be if I conceived that month. The baby would have been due on August 9th, my mother-in-law's birthday. The idea of that made me so happy. I adore my mother-in-law (she is the most amazing, loving, kind hearted, encouraging lady I have ever known), and nothing would have meant more to me than to have had a baby on her birthday. I hated giving her her birthday present this year tucked in a gift bag when I wanted to give her a gift wrapped in a soft, little blanket. In addition to that, the negative pregnancy test earlier in the month has not been easy to get past.

However, we're to a new month, and it felt good to flip that calendar page this afternoon. As I skimmed the new page before me, my eyes went to next Monday's box. In big letters was "NO SCHOOL!!!" and right under that was "Dr.'s appointment for progesterone shot." That shot would induce a new cycle, and we would return to our scheduled treatments. Hmmm...

I seem to have lost a bit of my fighting spirit. As the months of continuous treatments have gone by, I don't think I realized the courage that's needed in each step. Now that I've had a month's break, I find myself sinking cowardly away from this battle. Don't get me wrong; my desire to have a baby has done nothing but continue to grow. I want a baby, with all my heart, but the idea of beginning another round of infertility treatment is scary. Well, terrifying. Needles have not bothered me since I was a very little girl, and you would think the more you got stuck, the less you would care; however, now I cringe when I smell rubbing alcohol! The pills, the shots, the appointments, the blood work, the ultrasounds...I don't know if I can do it. Honestly, I don't know if it's those things that overwhelm me or if it's knowing that you can go through all that and still fail that is getting me. I can't imagine getting that phone call again that tells me I'm not pregnant. I don't know if I can handle that again. I've always been told that God never gives you more than you can handle, but I feel like He's really starting to push those limits with me. I feel like a house that's been through an earthquake and could collapse at any moment.

So, I find myself struggling to once again decide what to do. Decision making isn't one of my strengths, but I have had a lot of practice in this journey...Do I go to the doctor about my irregular cycles?...Do I take Clomid?...Do we switch to a specialist?...Do I take estrogen to make my uterus grow?...Do we move on to injectibles?...Those other decisions came pretty easy to me. Yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes! Whatever I have to do to get that baby growing! But I can't make that baby start growing. No specialist, shots, drugs, IUI's, or anything else is going to bring that child I so greatly desire to me. If we are meant to be parents, God will make us parents in His time. So is there even a point in going to a specialist? At the same time, why were we so obviously led to this doctor if we're not supposed to be with her? I have reached that fork in the road once again, and I just don't know which way to go.

One Little Flower

I have a child in my class this year who I have to share with you. Both of his biological parents did not want him and/or couldn't take care of him, so he lives with another relative (who seems to be doing very well with him). As I read over his registration papers before school started, it was mentioned that he has behavior problems and might be getting a behavior diagnosis. Great. The idea of having a child with a behavior problem was not appealing. I don't need extra stress right now. I tried to have him taken out of my class. I dreaded meeting this family at Meet the Teacher.

Are you noticing the selfishness in those past few sentences? I hope so. It appears that I have forgotten that I don't teach for myself; I teach for the children, all the children, especially the ones who need someone to love them and take care of them, if only for a few hours a day.

After meeting the guardian on Monday, I felt some relief. At least she knows there's a problem. Maybe if he takes medication, he'll be fine. Etc. I am so ashamed of those thoughts.

On Thursday, the child did great, and I breathed a sigh of relief. One day down, 179 to go. Friday, everything was going great, and I was beginning to question if this child really did have a behavior problem. Then, prepare yourself for what comes next...

I took the class outside to take their pictures. This child was towards the back of the line. When I got the class to the picture spot, he walked up to me, and he held his hand out to me. Inside his hand was one, little, beautiful flower. He handed me the flower he had stopped to pick along the way, and his face was beaming. At some point along the walk, he saw that flower and decided his judgmental, selfish teacher deserved it. This child I had labeled and tried to get taken out of my class picked me a flower. Oh, how my heart was humbled.

I judged a book by its cover, and had I put that book down like I wanted to, I would have missed one of the most beautiful lessons I've learned in a long time.

Sick

What a week! I have a cold (who gets a cold in August?). I started my period, which would normally be exciting, except for the not-so-exciting news I got Tuesday when I found out that my pitiful reproductive system has decided to mass produce cysts all over itself. School started back, which has resulted in a 60 hour work week (I know that's not abnormal for a lot of people, but I'm out of shape right now). Sometimes (each August) I wonder how insane I am to willingly be a kindergarten teacher. Today is Friday, and exhaustion has settled over every ounce of my body. My head is aching. My feet are covered in blisters. I can't smell because my nose is so stopped up, and I have no voice left from coughing.

I fought this cold aggressively because I simply don't have time for it. At first I blamed it on last week's meltdowns. Then I blamed it on allergies. After a week, I accepted that I had caught a cold in August. I am sick (and obviously contagious since Karl now has it). Tonight I looked up the definition of "sick", and this is what I found:

• -affected with disease or ill health

-spiritually or morally unsound or corrupt
-sickened by strong emotion, filled with disgust or chagrin, depressed and longing for something
-mentally or emotionally unsound or disordered
-incapable of producing profitable yields of a crop

Wow, it is like I found a definition of myself. As I have researched and written about my experience with infertility, I have never liked how the terms "diagnosed," "treatments," "disease," "illness," etc. are used with infertility. I feel like those terms are reserved for people who are sick. It was hard for me to accept that infertility is an "illness" encompassed from many different "diseases" that are "diagnosed" and need "treatments." When I first found out about the PCOS, it was hard for me to admit, just as it has been this week with the cold, that something was wrong with my body, something that only God could make better. Although the physical pain is typically minimal, the emotional pain is severe. To live each day with a heart so heavy that you feel you could drown and to have at once thought that on this day you would be holding your child in your arms and not even be pregnant is nothing short of excruciating. The pain that infertility causes breaks you down, bit by bit. Or is that God? Is the stripping of each layer and shattering of each plan you devised God's handiwork? Is that God hammering away at my weary heart trying to fix a broken, sinful soul? Without a doubt, I believe God did this to me. God made me infertile. He purposefully created me with dysfunctional ovaries. He intentionally created me in a way that I would have no choice but to turn to Him in my darkest time. Although somedays I feel like I'm being punished, when I'm completely honest with myself, I know that my infertility is a tool God is using to reach inside my heart and let Himself in. It is hard for me to right now imagine that any reason or purpose or plan is worth this heartache, but God is teaching me trust and patience. He is teaching me how to be dependent on Him. I can only imagine what else He is teaching me and using this for. I would be lying if I said I was at peace with this. I would be lying if I said that I didn't fight against God daily on this. However, in all honesty, I know God will see me though this and I'm choosing to believe that somehow, someway God will bring me joy again.

Cysts, Cysts, and More Cysts

My ovaries are loaded down with cysts right now. After I ovulated, I had mild OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome), and apparently all those empty follicles filled back up with fluid. I had 4 cysts measuring over 1 cm on my right side and then a lot of smaller ones, and I had a massive cyst on my left ovary that was actually so big we couldn't see my ovary on the ultrasound screen. The nurse said they could give me painkillers to help with the pain, but I'm actually not in any pain or discomfort whatsoever. She was shocked. In all honesty, it looked like I had swallowed a balloon. After seeing all the cysts on my right side, I knew I was going to have to take a break, but when she moved the ultrasound wand to the left side and the entire screen filled up with a huge black oval, I almost fainted, and Karl gripped my hand very tightly. We had never seen anything like that, and it was not a good feeling. I asked the nurse what that was, and she said she wasn't sure but was hoping it was just a cyst. (Praise the Lord it was.) I was terrified. She kept moving that wand, and that big black oval wasn't ending. It is a really big cyst. She said it might take a couple months, even three, for it to go away. I can't take my medicines until it's down to under 3 cm and the others are gone. I'm hoping I can get there in a month. This is a good time to take a little break since I went back to work this week, but I don't want or need an extended break. I'm not going to count days or actively "try" this cycle, but I am taking an herbal vitamin called "Fertility Blend". I've never been a big believer in herbal treatments, but I thought I would give this a whirl. Maybe it'll work.

Bitter Sadness

Today I found out for sure that I am not pregnant. Although I already knew, that phone call this afternoon still packed a punch. Up until today Karl wouldn't believe I wasn't pregnant. He said he thought I was, and for two weeks he has rubbed my belly and called me "mama", and held on to the hope that we were finally where our hearts so greatly desired us to be. And then today came.

There just aren't words that describe the heartache that this has all caused. I hate this all so much. I hate what it's done to me. I hate the constant tear-streaked face and tearing up or crying in front of people. I hate feeling so deeply depressed. I hate what it's doing to my marriage. I hate that I've put Karl in this situation. I hate it all. As dramatic as it sounds, I feel like a piece of me dies each time it doesn't work. I feel beaten down and defeated. I keep praying for hope, a miracle, that I'm following God's plan, that this will end. But this one fear lingers in my heart: What if all this pain is just preparing us for an outcome that is too much for me to accept, an outcome that means a life of childlessness and barrenness? What if this isn't just a trial we have to go through but rather something we will have to live with the rest of our lives? With all my heart, with all that I am, I want a baby. I want to know what it's like to be pregnant, to see my child on an ultrasound screen, to feel my child move within me. I want to know what it's like to have a child placed in my arms after giving birth. I want to celebrate birthdays and Christmases with my children. I pray that God has children in His plan for us. I pray that this is the path God has put us on, not the path I have strayed to out of my own selfishness and greed.

I'm thinking that I'm going to take a break for a month. I've been on fertility medicine for 9 months now. My body needs a break. I need a break. School starts next week, and being a kindergarten teacher the first month of school is brutal. I don't think I want to add to that brutality by putting myself through weekly doctor's appointments and all that medication. Plus all the stress that goes along with the start of a new school year can't be good for my efforts to conceive a child. I'm going to call the doctor's office tomorrow and talk to them about it. That's what my plan is now, but I've been known to change my mind. The idea of giving up a month is upsetting, but I don't think I can handle both things at once right now.

Friends

I have heard some really inspirational quotes lately, and I just wanted to share them...

Sometimes the most beautiful gifts come in the ugliest packages.

Infertility is definitely an ugly package, but when we learn what God wants us to learn from this, and we accomplish what God wants us to do, and we have our precious child, the package might not look so ugly anymore.

You can't have mountains without valleys.

Difficult times truly do help you appreciate and treasure the good times and to recognize the good and beautiful things throughout your life.

What you can't escape, you must endure.

As hard as I've tried to make all this go away, it's still here. This quote reminds me of the children's book The Bear Went Over the Mountain..."We can't go over it. We can't go under it. We have to go through it." :)

God dealt me this hand, and I'm trying to play it as well as I can. However, I can't even imagine how hard it would be if I didn't have such wonderful, encouraging, caring friends. I kept our struggle a secret for several months. In fact, I would have a panic attack at the thought of telling anyone. I was ashamed and scared and grief-stricken. However, I slowly started talking about it, and with the advice of one friend who said I would feel better when I did tell people, I was amazed at how much better I felt once people knew. I truly felt a burden lifted. Now I can't imagine how bad this would be if I had kept it all to myself. The emails, phone calls, text messages, and comments on the blog have touched my heart more than I can put into words. Thank you for all the thoughts and prayers and for just being my friend. I am so grateful for everyone of you.

IUI #1-Failed

I took a pregnancy test this morning since it's been 12 days since my trigger shot. I knew if it came back positive that I wasn't necessarily pregnant since some traces of the shot could still be in my system, but at the same time, I could very well be pregnant. I also knew if it came back negative that I was 100% not pregnant. It came back as negative as negative could be. There wasn't even the faintest hint of a second line.

There is no baby this month, and it's acceptance of this truth that brings me to my knees in sorrow. I know there are millions of people in this world who are suffering, and I know that many of these millions are suffering for reasons far greater than mine. There are women in this world who have a child, but they have no food to give them, and they see their little bodies whither away to bones. There are women who did have a child, but they had to bury him/her after a disease stole them away. There are women who had a child, but they don't know where that child is today. I know it could be worse, much worse, yet my soul is still heavy in sorrow and grief.

IUI Update

Our IUI on Friday morning went very well, and it was one of the most amazing days of my life. One way or another, it is a day I will always cherish. In one whole year of trying to get pregnant and never once ovulating, we were given the opportunity to truly try. What a blessing!

I've often talked about our experience with infertility as a journey or a path that God has placed us on. On Friday I felt like I'd come across beautiful flowers growing along our path. Most days I feel like I'm stumbling along uneven ground or walking across hidden thorns, and if I'm lucky enough to have a "good day," then I get to walk on a smooth path; however, it's still dark and scary. Friday was a great day though. It was the best day I've had through all this. There was no darkness, fear, or sadness. I felt joyful, hopeful, and blessed. Despite how this turns out, I am grateful for such a wonderful day.

I had to stay flat on the table for about 15 minutes after the IUI, and all I could think was that this might be the beginning of a new journey for us and how fortunate we are to be able to know the exact day it began. Of course I would have preferred the "old fashioned way," but I am so thankful that there is another option for women like me. I am in awe of modern medicine and what all it can do. However, I am more in awe of what God does, of His miracles, and of the way He clears our paths for us and takes each step with us. He knows exactly where this will take us and how many more steps until we're there, but He still walks it with us.

On a less sentimental note, I have a bump. It's obviously not a baby bump, but it's a bump nonetheless. I like to look at it in the mirror and pretend it is a baby bump. It's noticeable too. Karl noticed it, and my friend Jesse noticed it. When the follicles all ruptured, they released fluid (just like they're supposed to), but since there were so many, the fluid went into my abdominal cavity, and it's making my stomach stick out. Also, my boobies are sore. This is probably from the progesterone I'm taking, but if it were 2 or 3 weeks down the road, it would be a pregnancy symptom. I like to pretend with that too. I push on them constantly to see if they're still sore. If you happen to pull up beside me at a red light, just don't look at me. I'll probably have my hands on my chest. Also my lower stomach is sore from all the fluid, but I like to push on it too to make sure it hurts because I like to think I am so in tune with my body that when I get pregnant, my uterus will be tender to the touch (I don't care if doctors say this is not possible), and I'll know right away. Hey, a girl can dream! :)

I'll know more next week... Please keep us in your prayers!

IUI

Tomorrow morning at 9:00 we will be doing our first intrauterine insemination! I'm a little nervous, as this is unchartered territory for us; however, I am so excited to have this opportunity to try to conceive. I have not ovulated since I got off birth control, so to make it this far is an accomplishment. Last week I prayed and prayed for a miracle and for things to go well enough so that we could try. After Sunday's appointment, I was so disappointed because I felt like once again God had said, "Not now." After yesterday's appointment, I cannot describe the joy I felt. God has given me my miracle just by letting my body respond well enough to the medicine to possibly ovulate. Although I'm not healed and I found out today I could possibly have another issue, God is taking care of me. Despite how this cycle turns out, I am so thankful for getting to experience what will happen tomorrow. I've said all along that it's baby steps that are going to get us through this journey, and this is definitely a step in the direction towards our goal, and who knows, it just might be one of our final steps along this path.

Pull That Trigger

I have one more shot to go...my HCG shot (aka "trigger shot"), which will hopefully trigger ovulation! We went back to the doctor this morning, and it turned out to be quite an interesting trip. First, let me say that I was not expecting very good news. I don't why, but I wasn't. I honestly thought that today would be the day they decided to cancel my cycle. Even with this feeling, I was doing okay emotionally. God will take care of us; He always does. If I'm meant to have a child, I will, despite taking 1 or 2 pills a day or this or that medicine. It will happen if/when God has planned. I was at peace with whatever news we were going to leave the hospital with this morning. A few months ago I had confided in one of my very good friends that I feel so incredibly nervous every time we make our final turn to get to the hospital. I've left with bad news so many times now that I feel sick when I see the place. She said to just keep reminding myself that one day I'll leave there with good news, and on another good day I'll leave with my newborn baby in the back seat. Those wise words have helped calm me many mornings now. However, I was just jittery this morning. When we got to the doctor's office, they took blood to test my estrogen level and do an insulin test. Sometimes PCOS women are insulin resistant. I don't think that I am, but they wanted to check to be sure. Then they did the ultrasound. My lining is thick, I have one big follicle and one medium follicle on my right, and a couple pretty small ones on my left. Everything is good enough to move on to the next step. Yippee! :)

Tonight I get my trigger shot, and we'll find out tomorrow if we'll be having an IUI or working on our goal with some degree of privacy, romance, and normalcy.

Just Shoot Me

I felt like that was such an appropriate title for a post about shots! :)

I've been shot with Follistim 6 times now. Tonight I had to shoot myself twice though. My cartridge ran out, so I had to pull the needle out, change the cartridge, put on a new needle, and go again. While I was counting to 5 (I have to wait 5 seconds between injecting the medicine and pulling out the needle), I thought it would be nice for everyone to see what the shot looks like. I feel like I confuse people when I say it's a pen, not a syringe. In the background of the 2nd picture, you can see the case for the shot with the alcohol swabs, the extra needles (they have the pink top), the box it all came in, the directions, the empty Diet Coke bottle for the used needles, and stuff for the HCG shot (if I ever get that far). I didn't lay this all out for the picture; this is just how my dining room table looks now, except there's more medicine on there too. I just couldn't fit it all in the picture. :)

$30 vs. $300

This morning's appointment didn't go as I had prayed it would. I do have one follicle, but it's still pretty small (1.1 cm) and my endometrium is about 1/2 as thick as it needs to be. The nurse said not to worry; pcos women develop slowly. However, in June when this happened, my follicles never grew, and we "cancelled" the cycle. At least this time I get to keep taking more medicine. She told me to take my shots for 3 more days, and they'll check me again on Wednesday morning. I was really surprised I only had 1 decent follicle. I was expecting to have between 3 to 5 that were a good size.

Here's the reason for the title of this post...

Remember the drama from Monday about how much Femara I was supposed to be taking and for how long? Well, I found out today that Dr. H.'s notes said for me to take 2 pills on days 3-8. That means I took 5 pills instead of 12 because some stupid nurse couldn't admit she was wrong. She called the prescription in wrong, and when I questioned her about it after another nurse told me to take 2 on days 3-8, she said I was supposed to take the amount she had called in. Well, she should have read Dr. H.'s notes again. I know it must have seemed odd to her that Dr. H. was prescribing so much medicine for me on my first round of new treatments, but Dr. H. knew how important this cycle was to me since it's my last one before I go back to school. She also knew that I don't respond that well to medicine, so she was giving me more than she gives most patients starting out. My body simply needs more.

The nurse who screwed everything up asked me how much my co-pay was for the Femara, and I told her $30. She said not to worry about the extra pills then; she didn't want me to have to pay $30 more. I told her I didn't mind (even though I was mad at the thought of paying $30 more because she didn't read my file right in the first place), but she said I should be fine with what I had.

Now, I have to pay $300 for another cartridge of shots since I'll run out tomorrow night. I won't even need half the amount in the new cartridge, and I won't be able to use the leftovers for my next cycle (if I need it) because the seal will have been broken for too long at that point. So, instead of paying $30 and getting my correct dosage of pills, I have to pay $300 for shots plus $52 for Wednesday's appointment to get checked again. I am not happy! To make it worse, my insurance will only pay for treatments up to a certain amount. This extra round of shots takes away from my allotment.

Why can't people just do their jobs right? I am so frustrated and mad right now.

If you want something bad enough...

...then you realize giving yourself a shot isn't that big of a deal.

Tonight was hopefully our last night of shots, and Karl was at Lowe's when it was time to do the deed. After giving myself a pep talk, I put my shot together, sat on the bed, and gave it to myself. It actually wasn't that bad. I thought it hurt less when I did it. I guess I was so focused on pushing the button and counting to 5, that I didn't have time to think about any discomfort. I just hope I did it right! :)

We have an appointment at 7:45 tomorrow morning for an ultrasound and blood work. I'm praying that I have at least one follicle that meets their criteria and that my lining is as thick as it should be. All I need is one good follicle and a nice, plush uterus!

1st Shot

We just did shot #1! The plan was that I was going to do it. I never thought that I wouldn't be able to. Needles don't bother me. Well, when it came time to jab that sucker in my tummy, I chickened out. I looked at Karl and started to cry (I wasn't scared; the reality of all this just sunk in a little). He gently took the shot from me and told me to look away, and then he did it as fast as he could.

I know this sounds crazy, but I love him more for doing it for me. He stepped up to the plate when I had to step down. Once again, in a moment of my weakness, he was there for me and did exactly what I needed him to do.

I know this might sound even crazier, but this did not go at all like I had imagined. I thought we would both be smiling and lighthearted and joking about it. Up until yesterday I had been so excited about these darn things. However, tonight when we were putting the shot together, it hurt my heart. In a not-as-rare-as-I-wish-moment of self pity, I got angry that God has put us in this situation. I was mad that I was having to sit there re-reading the directions for the countless time, that I was about to give myself a shot, that we're having to walk through this dark, lonely, depressing valley; I was mad at the whole situation. I know one day we'll look back on this whole experience as an example of God's perfect timing, but right now, in the midst of all this uncertainty, emotional turmoil, and fear, I feel lost. Getting pregnant isn't supposed to be this hard. So many people have told us, "Oh that's the fun part." I so desperately wish that had been true for us.

Countdown to Shots

Tomorrow's the big day! I'm going to do my shots Thursday through Saturday and get checked Sunday morning. I am getting pretty nervous! I'm not nervous about the shots themselves; in fact, I really don't know why I'm nervous, but I am!

Last night both of my ovaries were hurting a little, so I just laid on the couch, propped my feet up, and did nothing the rest of the night. I hope that pain means some of those baby follies were growing!

Christmas in July

I started a new cycle!! I was not expecting to begin a new one until at least this weekend, but it happened over a full week early on what should have been day 22 of my previous cycle while I was still taking the Prometrium. Although I was completely surprised, I was very excited. A new cycle means a new chance.

Everything about this cycle has been chaotic so far. Here is how it has gone...

1. Thursday afternoon-Spotting... What the heck? Why am I spotting, and why do I have cramps? I know I couldn't be about to start. I still have 3 days left of the Prometrium, and it's early in my cycle. Plus, I'm about to leave for the beach. I'll just ignore whatever is going on.

2. Friday morning-Surprise! A new cycle! I call the doctor's office and talk to the nurse. She said not to worry about getting up at the crack of dawn on Sunday morning (day 3) to make it to the office in time for my baselines; just come Monday morning at 8:00 am, but go ahead and start Femara (Letrozole) on Sunday night as planned.

3. Sunday-We race home to get to the pharmacy before it closes. After getting home, I notice that my pill bottle says to take on days 3-7, but I thought I was supposed to take it until day 8. Oh well, I'll ask about that in the morning. I pop my first pill.

4. Monday morning-Whoops, I set the alarm an hour later than I meant to. I rush to get ready, and we still leave 15 minutes late. Oh, did I mention it is raining cats and dogs outside? Traffic is delightful on a Monday morning, but the intense rain and waking up late add a whole new joy to it. I could feel gray hairs growing on my head! I mention to the nurse that my pill bottle says to take on days 3-7, not 8. She says that's fine, just bump everything up a day. My ultrasound looked great; I had a lot of baby follicles! Now, if I can just get a few of those to grow big and strong and healthy...

5. Monday around lunch-We get a crash course on how to administer shots. Although I think Karl would feel better if he did them, I think I can handle it. We are to start those on Friday.

6. Monday afternoon-I check my voicemail for my lab results, and the nurse tells me to take my Femara TWICE a day on days 3-8. Say what? I was told this morning to take it once a day on days 3-7. She says no, the doctor is doing something different with me, she'll call my pharmacy and have pills added to my bottle.

7. Monday evening-We go to pick up the extra pills, and guess what? They haven't gotten a call. AHHH!! I am so confused on what to do. I guess I take two pills tonight and call again in the morning?

On the way home from the pharmacy, I decided I would have a glass of wine to help me unwind and relax, but then I remembered I am trying to get pregnant, so I'm not supposed to drink, and on my pill bottle it says, "DO NOT DRINK ALCOHOL WHILE TAKING." Oh well, warm bubble bath, here I come!

Rise and Shine Lazy Ovaries

Karl and I met with our RE this morning, and I just love that lady! We talked about my overall lack of response to the Clomid and got our next plan together. I know Clomid works well for some, but I have not had a good experience with it. My ovaries don't really respond to it, I'm dizzy, emotional, and have hot flashes while I take it, and it keeps making my endometrium thin. I didn't want to take it again, and luckily, I won't be taking it anymore! They did an ultrasound while we were there to check on my cyst, and I was so excited to find out that it is leaking fluid and shrinking!

Here are the specifics on our next plan...

I'll start taking Prometrium in a couple days to bring on a new cycle, and once I start, I'll take Letrozole (aka Femara) on days 3-8 of my new cycle. On days 8-11, I'll get injections (Follistim) in my stomach, and I'll take estrogen again beginning on day 9 until they tell me to stop. The Letrozole and Follistim will help me make good quality follicles, and the estrogen will help my endometrium get and stay thick. On day 11, I'll go in for an ultrasound, and we'll see how I'm progressing. If I need a couple more days of injections, we'll do that; if not, I'll get an HCG shot that night, have a PCT (don't even ask what this is...it's completely disgusting and humiliating) done the following morning, and depending on the results from that, we'll either do an IUI (intra-uterine insemination) or enjoy the comfort of our bedroom. Got all that? Pretty simple, huh?! ;) There are more details, but my head was starting to spin, so I figured that was enough. Luckily, they gave me packets of information and a nice little calendar to keep track of all that. Also, they gave us a DVD to learn how to do the shots in my stomach.

It's really funny how when you want something as bad as I want a baby, things that used to bother you don't anymore. In the past, I would have cringed at the thought of getting shots 3 days in a row, and I would have freaked out over the thought of getting them in my stomach. Right now, I cannot tell you how excited I am about the idea of these things! I could feel myself beaming as she was going over all this. I know of so many people who have gotten pregnant with the injections, and I'm getting extra support with the Letrozole. Anything that wakes up my ovaries, I'll do! The doctor recognized how precious this next cycle is since it will be my last one of the summer, and she's trying really hard to get me pregnant before I go back to school. I can't tell you how much it means to me that she thinks about a little detail like when my first day of school is when she's making out our next plan. I'm not just a patient with her; I'm a person who has a life outside of infertility, and she incorporates that life into our plan. How incredibly thoughtful is that?!

Anyway, time to wake up sleepy ovaries! You got lots of work to do!

Maybe I need to get a hobby...

I just realized my past two posts have been about reality television shows. Can you tell you exciting my life is when school's out?! :)

Love, Love, Love and Drama, Drama, Drama

This has nothing to do with infertility, but I just had to say my favorite thing I have discovered this summer is The Real Housewives of New Jersey. As Teresa (one of the wives) would say, "I love, love, love it." Last night was the final reunion, and through the mix of controversy and drama that were involved in it, I kind of teared up (not really, but it almost happened) when I realized there were only a few minutes left. Now my new friends are out of my life, so I'm contemplating moving to Franklin Lakes, NJ to be their neighbor. I think Teresa and I could be BFF! If you didn't watch this season, you missed a great thing! This was my first Housewives season to watch, and I was hooked within 5 minutes of the first episode. Thank you, Casey, for introducing me to this new obsession! :)

If anyone knows what/how Danielle threatened Dina, please let me know. I've been trying to find out on the internet, but I can't find it. For Caroline to get that upset, it had to be BIG!

To kind of relate this back to infertility, here's the link for Jacqueline's fertility bracelet: http://www.zenjewelz.com/rhnj.htm. I thought about maybe getting it for myself until I saw the price. I can't help but wonder how much it was before it was advertised on the show!

Jon and Kate Plus 8

I have been tuning in every Monday night for about a year and a half, and I fell in love with those precious children immediately! Kate was the first person I ever heard of who had PCOS, and I even thought, "What is that?" when I heard her say it. Then after I was diagnosed with it, I found great comfort in watching their 8 children grow and play. When Karl found out that Kate and I have the same thing, he begged me not to watch it anymore in fear that we would have multiples too. :)

I am so disappointed in Jon and Kate right now. I know marriage is hard, and I can only imagine how stressful it is to raise 8 children. However, I also know what it means to fight for a family. Infertility is a physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual fight. It's not a fight you endure a few times a week or even a few times a day. It's a constant fight, and not an hour passes that you're not in battle with it.

Jon and Kate know what it's like to fight that fight. They fought it themselves. I am sure at one point their days were plagued with fear and heartache. How do you go through all that, conquer it, and then so easily let your family break in two? On last night's episode, they said the past 7-8 months have been really hard, and from watching the show, there's been obvious tension in their relationship longer than that, but what is 7-8 months when you've been married for 10 years, gone through infertility, had a severely risky pregnancy, and have 8 children together? I don't know how many times this season they've said everything they do is for their children. If you don't care to fight for your marriage because of your spouse, then do it because of your children. Having a family was important enough to them that they fought for that a lot longer than 7-8 months. Now they can just let it go? How sad.

Infertility doesn't make your marriage fireproof, but it does teach you how to fight for something together. I just hope Karl and I don't forget the lessons we've learned through this quite as easily as they did.

GODISNOWHERE

The Prometrium finally worked! I started on Friday morning. To simply say I was excited was an understatement! The past two cycles we've had such a hard time figuring out what day should count as day 1 since I was spotting. This time there was no spotting, and already I felt a huge burden lifted. I immediately called my RE's office to schedule my baseline blood work and ultrasound. They said I could go ahead and come in that morning. I even thought to myself, "Wow! This is all going so smoothly. I just know this is going to be the cycle!"

During the ultrasound, the nurse was checking my ovaries, and that's when she said, "Uh oh." As we all know, that's never a good remark coming from someone in the medical profession. My heart immediately fell, and I started doing everything in my power to choke back tears. The nurse turned the screen towards me, and I saw a big round thing. I knew exactly what it was: a cyst. Her next remark was, "It's really big." She repeated that same remark two other times before my ultrasound was done, and that alone was putting me on the edge of a meltdown. She said their policy is to not give a patient any new drugs for that cycle (including Clomid) if there is a cyst of 3 cm or greater. Mine was 3 cm (which definitely did not deserve the "it's so big" remark 3 different times). The Clomid could cause the cyst to grow even more and cause problems. The hope is that if I don't take any stimulants this month, the cyst will disappear on its own within 30 days. I will go back to the doctor on day 32 of my cycle, they'll do an ultrasound, and if it's gone, they'll give me a progesterone shot to induce a new cycle. That way I won't have to take the pills for 10 days.

Here's the thing: I don't take "no" very well. Also, I love nothing more than to prove people wrong when they say that I can't do something. I've always been very stubborn and very independent. The nurse did say that we could try on our own, but to not get my hopes up given my history. When you're infertile, hope is all you have to ease that ache in your heart, and you cling to that hope despite what any nurse or doctor tells you.

We are going to try on our own this month. If I were to get pregnant, no one could deny God's hand in that miracle. No credit could be passed off to doctors or modern medicine or anything outside of God. Our child would be a living testimony of God's mercy and healing. I know our chances, according to what medicine says, are low this month; however, I also know that God made a blind man see and God brought children to many couples in the Bible who had battled infertility. God grants miracles, and God creates life in barren women. That's recorded in His Word and is visible in our lives today.

Months ago at church, our pastor put this up on the screen and asked us what we saw:

GODISNOWHERE

I'll be honest, I read it as "God is no where," and was shocked our pastor would even put something up like that. But when he read it, he said, "God is now here." His point was that although we sometimes feel as if God cannot be found in our lives, He is always with us.

There have been many times in this journey that I have felt that God has abandoned me or forgotten me or doesn't hear my cries and prayers. I pray that this month can be one of those times that a tally mark goes in God's column as being "here" and no one who hears our story can ever say that "God is no where" again. I pray that my child will be a doubtful man's proof that God is real and working in every life He creates.

Patience

If you know me, then you know I have the patience of a hornet on a regular day, so just imagine how wonderfully delightful I am to be around when I've taken medicine for 10 days that puts me in full PMS mode and my period is late (not because I'm pregnant... just because my body likes to do things in its own time)! So, while I'm trying to be patient in waiting for my period, I'm about to pull my hair out! I finished the Prometrium (to induce a new cycle) on Sunday night. The past two times I've taken medicine to induce a cycle, I've started spotting either the last day of the medicine or the very next day, and then I've started my period within 3 days of finishing the medicine. I'm not even spotting; however, for the past week, I have had severe mood swings/PMS. I actually got mad at Karl on Sunday for pulling his food off his fork with his teeth because the noise was annoying me. A few nights ago, I got mad when we were going to sleep because he was breathing in my direction, and I could hear him (in my defense, he does have a sinus infection, so the sound of him breathing is on the verge of snoring). And the Prometrium says that mood swings are only a possible side effect! LOL! Just so you know, I'm cringing as I recall what a you-know-what I've been to live with the past week. I am not proud of any of this, and I admire Karl immensely for putting up with me. People underestimate the power of hormones! I've spent the past two days working in my classroom since Karl is working from the house because I feel it is best for my marriage if I spend limited waking hours with my husband. Another side effect from the Prometrium this time has been hot flashes. I doubt hot flashes are ever pleasant, but they are brutal in the summer! I had one folding clothes, in church, talking to our bookkeeper at school, and a couple other times. Despite the fact that I've had all the listed side effects, I still haven't started my period! Ugh!

Humpty Dumpty

Broken.

Throughout this journey I have struggled with many emotions. I've felt sad, I've been angry, I've been afraid, I've felt lost. Today I realized the overall feeling from infertility that all the other emotions have splintered from: it's a feeling of brokenness. Your body is broken. Your heart is broken. Your faith is broken.

I also came to another realization. This journey has changed my heart. I have learned so many things through this that I never would have learned otherwise. Although I never would have picked this obstacle for myself, I believe without a doubt that God picked it for me. He created me with stubborn ovaries and a misshapen uterus. He placed the desire for children so heavily in my heart that there are times I actually feel it ache. He lined up certain people in my life at a specific time so that when this journey would begin, I wouldn't feel alone. He knew that struggling to conceive a child would hit me in the very depths of my soul. And before I even knew that this would be my path, He cleared it for me.

I might feel broken now, but God will put me put me back together. Although I won't be the same, I trust that I'll be better.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Not this time

My little follies from the other day were still little today.  Although my endometrium had thickened slightly, it still wasn't thick enough, so even if the follicles had grown to 1.8 cm, it wouldn't have mattered.  I'm still waiting to hear how my labs looked today and if I can begin the medicine to make me start again, or as the nurse said, "Cancel this cycle."  I liked that terminology.  It's a "moving right along" attitude, which I like because the waiting part of infertility kills me.  

Karl's attitude about it was also wonderful.  I asked him last night for his prediction on today's appointment (this has become a little tradition for us).  He said he thought they would have grown, but in case they hadn't, we didn't want those eggs anyway.  If they're not going to play by our rules, then they can't play at all, and if they're not bringing their A-game, they're not for our team.  Champions (meaning eggs that will fertilize and stick) are not made out of "half-ass, lazy" eggs. His kick-butt attitude made me smile.  

I think husbands of infertile wives are often overlooked in the heartache and anxiety that infertility causes.  I know it's hard on Karl to want to have a baby and not have one or see me break down and not be able to make it all better or have to rearrange his entire work schedule so that he can go to a 30 minute doctor's appointment with me.  He's made it clear all along that this is our journey, not just mine.  He has never, in any way, made me feel guilty or blamed me for this trying time in our lives.  He has held me when I cried, calmed me down when I've gotten angry, brought me dinner in bed when I'm having an especially hard day (and even taken my plate when I'm finished eating and put it in the dishwasher), found ways to make me laugh when I'm in a bad mood, and so much more.  He has, day after day, done everything he can to make me feel better.  

The other day, during a meltdown, I told him I would rather go through this with anyone but him.  I did a horrible job wording my thought at the time.  What I was wanting to convey was how much I hated that he was involved in this because I know it hurts him very deeply.  I love him so much, and his strength and optimistic outlook have carried me through this.  If you know my husband, you know what an admirable, dependable, honest, and truly amazing man he is.  He is a gentleman.  He is kind and compassionate.  I admire him for so many reasons.  I find myself falling in love with him all over again each and every day.  It kills me to know that I have brought this hurt into his life.  I have put him in a position where he has to put on a strong front because some days I just fall apart.  But he never complains.  Although I would rather go through this with anyone but him to prevent him from hurting, I couldn't imagine and wouldn't want to go through it with anyone else.  

It's Not Over 'Til The Fat Lady Sings...

...and thankfully she didn't sing yesterday!  Karl and I went to my RE's office yesterday morning so we could find out why I hadn't shown a surge on the OPTs I took all weekend long.  They took blood first and then did the ultrasound.  My response to the 100 mg is nothing like my response to the 200 mg, and I could tell that as soon as my right ovary came up on the screen.  Last time there were these little circles all over the place; this time my untrained eye was having trouble finding anything.  There were 2 follicles on the right, but only 1 was worth measuring.  Even then, it still measured under a cm (the follicle has to be at least 1.8 cm for them to trigger ovulation).  On my left ovary, I had 1 follicle that measured at just 1.0 cm.  Next she measured my endometrium, and it measured at .5 and needs to be at .8.  While I dressed, she reviewed my file, and then came back to talk to us.  She said she thinks it is still just early in my cycle for me.  She said sometimes PCOS women take a little longer to develop, and based on the fact that there are a couple follicles, but they're still kind of small, and that my endometrium isn't quite thick enough (it thickens during your cycle so that if you get pregnant, the embryo has a nice cushion to attach itself to when it makes it way to your uterus), I'm just not quite ready for ovulation.  She said if my blood results matched what she was thinking, then we would need to come back on Friday morning for another round of blood work and an ultrasound.  I asked her if it is possible that the follicles will have grown more by then, and she said yes.  That gave me a little hope that our chances for conceiving this cycle aren't over.  Sure enough, my blood results were consistent with my ultrasound, so we'll go back Friday morning and hopefully everything will look better.  If you read this between now and then, please, please, please say a little prayer for us that at least one follicle will have grown big enough and that my endometrium will be thicker.  I believe in the power of prayer, and any prayers sent on our behalf mean more to me than I write.  All I can say is, "Thank you," but please know that I mean that with all my heart.

OPT=Ovulation Predictor Test

I hate these things wholeheartedly.  They drive me crazy.  I actually think I hate them more than pregnancy tests.  Maybe it's just the negative responses I keep getting from both that I actually despise!

Yesterday was day 12 of my cycle, which meant it was my lucky day to start tee-teeing on sticks again.  I did one test; a very, very, very faint line if you looked hard enough (I needed it to be a bit darker).  I took on the philosophy "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again."  I waited about ten minutes (good thing my bladder is small); a very, very, very faint line (stupid test).  I did one more; a very, very, very faint line (AHHHHHHHH!).  Then I sobbed.  And I mean sobbed!  Why?  Not sure.  Maybe it's that I'm tired of doing everything right and still failing these tests, maybe it's that my hormones are once again screwy because of the medicines, maybe it was just frustration that what seems to come so effortlessly for others is so complex for me.  Whatever the reason, I cried.  

Today was day 13, which meant I got to continue the testing tonight.  Tested twice and failed twice.  I didn't cry tonight, but I did decide that I hate my ovaries.  They are so uncooperative. For that matter, I also hate whatever that thing in your brain is that controls your hormones. If it would only do its job correctly, my ovaries would have a better chance of being able to do theirs.   

So, in short, whether or not I surge tomorrow night doesn't matter.  One way or the other, I will have to go to the doctor on Monday morning.  They'll check to see if there are any follicles that are big enough to be triggered with an HCG shot.  Please join me in praying there will be at least one follicle that is at least 1.8 cm so they can attempt to trigger ovulation for me.  I just don't want another "no."

Round 4 of Clomid, done!

I truly can't believe this was my 4th round of Clomid! Each round is marked vividly in my mind. The days I took it, the emotions, the side effects, the prayers. It's all there like individual chapters in a book.
I was prescribed Clomid originally before I even knew I had pcos. I went to the doctor in September because I was having trouble with my cycle (as I always do when not on birth control), and my doctor took blood and handed me my first Clomid prescription. I was ecstatic driving home because I just knew this was going to be my ticket to motherhood. Little did I know that that day kicked off this new little journey in my life-infertility. The following week, I found out I had pcos, and then I had to wait and see if I would start my period on my own. I did not. On day 42 of my cycle, I started taking Provera (progesterone) to induce a new cycle, and finally, around day 62, I got to a new cycle. That was November 2nd. I got my Clomid prescription filled and prayed over that bottle for days. Two days before Thanksgiving, I found out round 1 had failed. I think I actually felt my heart break that day.  And here we are, 5 months since that first round, and now done with the 4th round.  Wouldn't it be great if this was the last round?!  Just the thought of that brings a smile to my face!

School's Out for Summer!

The lazy days of summer are finally here!  On Thursday afternoon, I lovingly whisked my 19 little darlings out my classroom door and then stood in the middle of my empty classroom and cheered! 

Green Light

Yesterday we were given the green light to get back to trying!  Wow!  How long have I waited for that news?!  100 days or something like that?!

There were a few of small cysts on my right ovary, but all of them were too small to cause any problems or setbacks for us at this time.  In addition to the ultrasound, they did a pregnancy test just to verify I wasn't pregnant, which I didn't understand how I could have had time to get pregnant with all the medicines I've been taking back-to-back that pretty much ensure I cannot get pregnant while on them.  They had to take blood to do the pregnancy test (I don't think I've yet to visit them and have not been stuck).  Let me say that needles and being poked do not bother me at all, which is good considering I get stuck about once a week, but the nurse was not being very gentle with me.  Normally my blood clots so fast that I might just have a dot of blood on the cotton ball.  Not yesterday.  I bled through the cotton ball and had a nice bump and bruise where she had put the needle in.  Ouch!  I know, I know, toughen up!  

 Immediately after the appointment, we dropped off my Clomid prescription to get filled, and at 1:15, I popped those first two pills.  Yippee!!

Confirmation

This morning I quickly learned that if yesterday was not day 1, then today most definitely was.  I have been "full flow" and had intense cramps today.  As oddly as it sounds, that's an answered prayer.  I prayed last night for the frustration and confusion I felt yesterday, and this morning, God took away all of it.  There was no denying that I was on a new cycle.  The nurse I spoke to this afternoon said she would consider yesterday as day 1 based on the information I shared with her.  I don't have to go for early cycle blood work this time, but I do have to go for an ultrasound on Friday morning at 11:00 to make sure no cysts have developed on my ovaries and that they look good and healthy.  If they do, then I will begin the Clomid that afternoon (100 mg on days 5-9).  Just on a side note, Friday would be day 100 of the "100 Day Wait."  What a wonderful way to reach that day (I'm ahead of where I thought I'd be) and kick off my summer break!  

The emotional aspects of beginning a new cycle are also in full swing today.  I know the dangers of getting my hopes up.  I know the devastation I feel when things don't work out the way I long for.  I know that the disappointment that goes along with infertility can physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually break me.  But...

I also know that if you don't let yourself believe in the victory you seek, the fight to get there can defeat you.  You have to have something to fight for, something that makes every obstacle worth overcoming.  You have to believe that every ounce of joy is greater than every pound of pain.  Therefore, today I let myself dream.  I let my mind wonder to what may happen.  I opened my heart to a life that has yet to be created.  I found myself falling madly in love with a child that God currently holds for us.  I asked myself the same question I ask at the start of each new cycle: Could this cycle be the one?

Is this it?

Today might be the beginning of a new cycle.  I think.  I'm not positive.  I've been guzzling water since lunch to make me go to the bathroom so I can check. But don't worry, I will definitely be calling the doctor tomorrow.  As you may recall, I tend to have trouble knowing when I officially start.  Remember The Waiting Game back in February?  I know it seems easy enough, but it's complicated.  So, tomorrow I'm going to call the doctor and ask my little question that probably will make the nurse wonder exactly what business I have trying to become a mommy when I don't even know something that most people would consider obvious.  Not only is it slightly embarrassing that I'm having to call and seek medical confirmation, this is the second time I've had to call with this question!  Let's hope our children get Karl's intelligence.

If I did in fact start, then today would be day 1 of my first cycle as a healthy girl with ovaries that will function with the assistance of an ovulating-stimulating drug and a normal sized uterus (although slightly misshapen as a letter)!  

The Results

By 11:00 today I still had not heard from the doctor's office, and I really didn't want to go through the weekend not knowing any results from my blood work and MRI.  So, I gave in and called the doctor's office and left a message.  This afternoon the nurse returned my call...

The MRI results came back yesterday afternoon and showed that everything is fine.  Whatever the spots were on the ultrasound were insignificant enough to not even show up on the MRI.  My results from my two blood tests were negative, which was good too.  I asked the nurse if I could go ahead and start the Provera, and she said I could.  Rather than waiting until tomorrow morning to take it, I'm going to start tonight.  I'll take it for ten days and then wait to start my period.  I'm getting close to day 70 of this cycle, so I am more than ready for a new cycle to begin!

In short, we're back in the game!!

A journey of a thousand miles...

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with one small step." Chinese Proverb

I've thought about that proverb many times in the past months, and I have often wondered where the beginning of this journey was for us. Was it when I got off birth control? Was it when I called my doctor because I just couldn't ignore my gut feeling that something was wrong with me anymore? Was it taking fertility medicine for the first time in November? Was it setting up our initial appointment with a specialist? I know the answer of when this began really doesn't matter, but I also know that regardless of the starting point, a journey of a thousand miles also ends with one small step. Although I can't pinpoint the moment this began, I already know what the final step will be: holding our sweet baby in my arms for the first time.

This particular proverb is relevant to my life not only in our infertility journey, but also the course of a school year. I think between Mother's Day being this weekend and the last day of school being a couple of weeks away, I'm just getting sentimental. The growth my kids make each year is simply amazing, and it is such an overwhelming (and victorious) feeling to get to look back on that in May and know that I was a part of it.

Today we worked on our "Parents' Day" cards (I'm combining Mother's Day and Father's Day this year since we don't have school in June). In August, I had children who couldn't even write the first letter of their name, and now they are all writing these precious cards to their parents. There were a couple cards that were extra cute. When I read one child's letter, I couldn't help but tear up (he wrote about how his parents were the "bestest" in the world). I told him that his letter was so good, it gave me happy tears. He told me that was because I was sensitive. ;) I love when they throw out big words like that! Another child today used the word "preposterous." As in, "Hey, that's preposterous!" I asked him what that huge word he just used meant, and he said since I'm the teacher, I should know. I asked if he knew, and he admitted that he wasn't so sure, but it was such a cool word, just like "hippopotamus" is. Anyway... I also read a sweet story to the kids called What Moms Can't Do. At the end of the story, I was a little blue, but that feeling was very short lived as one of my boys began making a throwing up noise. When I asked him what that was about, he told me that story was "sooooo corny." Oh, the joys of kindergarten!

Uterus Update and More

We had our appointment this morning for the ultrasound and meeting with Dr. H. Overall, everything went well. My uterus is a good size now, but there is a new "but.."

During the ultrasound, the technician measured my uterus and looked at my endometrium and ovaries. She said everything looked good and my endometrium was thick. Getting my endometrium to thicken was one of our goals with the estrogen. By the end of my last cycle, it was pretty thin, which is a side effect from the Clomid. I could tell from her measurements that my uterus had grown, but I wasn't sure if it was enough. (By the way, I found out that it is now a whopping 3.1 inches!!!)

Then we met with Dr. H. to go over the ultrasound and get our next plan together. At first, everything was going great. My uterus grew, my endometrium is thick, my ovaries look great, etc. Then we started talking more about my uterus.

The inner cavity of a uterus is supposed to look like a triangle. One of the things we found out from the HSG in February was that mine does not. I have a T-shaped uterus (which as a kindergarten teacher, I thought was very cute). There is nothing she can do to change that, and it can cause some problems for our baby (possible risks: 4-5% chance of a tubal pregnancy, premature baby, baby not in the right position for delivery). However, we are very, very, very lucky to know about this before I got pregnant because we can be on the lookout for those things and prevent anything worse from happening. Due to the abnormal shape of my uterus, we will be with a high risk specialist from the very beginning. After all we've been through, I think it will be comforting to have someone looking out for my baby and me so closely throughout the entire pregnancy.

Next we talked about some spots that showed up on the ultrasound. Dr. H. said these spots are most likely due to adenomyosis (a condition in which tissue that normally lines the endometrium also grows within the muscular walls of the uterus). From what I remember her saying, that's not a big deal. The possible problem is that women who have adenomyosis often also have endometriosis. That made me a little uncomfortable, and I brought up that some women who have endometriosis never are able to have children. Dr. H. said not to worry about that because if I have it, it wouldn't be that serious. So, they did blood work to check some levels, which will suggest if I do or do not have a little endometriosis. I'll get those results back either by the end of this week or beginning of next week. If the levels show that there is a possibility I have it, then they'll do laparoscopic surgery to remove it, and we'll move on. Before we even get there, they want to find out for sure if I do have adenomyosis. I have an MRI scheduled for Monday at noon, and then we'll know the answer to that.

As for my medication, I am to keep taking the estrogen until we have more answers, which will probably be another week. After that, I'll take Provera for 10 days to induce a new cycle and then the Clomid on days 5-9 of my next cycle. She also said that after my incredible response to the 200 mg of Clomid, she wants to knock it down to 100 mg next time. Apparently 25 follicles are just too many! :)

So, I'll close this lengthy post by saying we are in good hands and I am so grateful for Dr. H. and everyone who led us to her. Although we've had a lot of little problems, she keeps fixing them. Step by step, she is making me healthier and helping us become parents to a healthy baby.