Bitter Sadness

Today I found out for sure that I am not pregnant. Although I already knew, that phone call this afternoon still packed a punch. Up until today Karl wouldn't believe I wasn't pregnant. He said he thought I was, and for two weeks he has rubbed my belly and called me "mama", and held on to the hope that we were finally where our hearts so greatly desired us to be. And then today came.

There just aren't words that describe the heartache that this has all caused. I hate this all so much. I hate what it's done to me. I hate the constant tear-streaked face and tearing up or crying in front of people. I hate feeling so deeply depressed. I hate what it's doing to my marriage. I hate that I've put Karl in this situation. I hate it all. As dramatic as it sounds, I feel like a piece of me dies each time it doesn't work. I feel beaten down and defeated. I keep praying for hope, a miracle, that I'm following God's plan, that this will end. But this one fear lingers in my heart: What if all this pain is just preparing us for an outcome that is too much for me to accept, an outcome that means a life of childlessness and barrenness? What if this isn't just a trial we have to go through but rather something we will have to live with the rest of our lives? With all my heart, with all that I am, I want a baby. I want to know what it's like to be pregnant, to see my child on an ultrasound screen, to feel my child move within me. I want to know what it's like to have a child placed in my arms after giving birth. I want to celebrate birthdays and Christmases with my children. I pray that God has children in His plan for us. I pray that this is the path God has put us on, not the path I have strayed to out of my own selfishness and greed.

I'm thinking that I'm going to take a break for a month. I've been on fertility medicine for 9 months now. My body needs a break. I need a break. School starts next week, and being a kindergarten teacher the first month of school is brutal. I don't think I want to add to that brutality by putting myself through weekly doctor's appointments and all that medication. Plus all the stress that goes along with the start of a new school year can't be good for my efforts to conceive a child. I'm going to call the doctor's office tomorrow and talk to them about it. That's what my plan is now, but I've been known to change my mind. The idea of giving up a month is upsetting, but I don't think I can handle both things at once right now.