IUI #2-Update

I guess I just left everyone hanging after that last post. The IUI did not go as well as I had hoped it would, and I just didn't want to talk about it. The ultrasound after the IUI showed that the follicle had not ruptured like it should have, which makes me think that it was in fact a cyst. To make a long story short, this turned out like every other cycle. I'm not pregnant. Again.

I've always heard that it's in your most despairing moments that you're greatest writing moments occur. This blog has been my outlet for 9 months now, and although the writing on here has been far from great, it has been a source for me to let all the thoughts that fill my heart with sorrow to escape me. I've found tremendous relief at this keyboard. However, I find myself now with nothing to say.

IUI #2

We are scheduled for IUI #2 on Friday morning at 9:15!

My lining is still a little thin (it's at .5, and it needs to be at .8), but hopefully it will have thickened by Friday. I have one follicle on my right side that is pretty big. We thought it might be a cyst at first since it was the only one there and it was so big. You know how well I grow cysts! Based on my estrogen levels though, it's just a very mature follicle. I guess this one follicle has been hogging all the medicines for itself! It measured at over 2 cm today, and they consider a follicle to be mature at 1.7 cm. I'm very thankful to have this one big and healthy follicle! I am getting my HCG (trigger) shot tonight, and then we'll go in Friday morning for the IUI.

On a side note, thank you for all your prayers. I believe, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that God hears and answers prayers, and I truly believe that God will answer these prayers; it's a matter of time. Just to know that we are daily lifted up in prayer means more to both of us than words could ever express. We are very blessed!

Follow the Leader

Well, as I set out on this new path I had chosen, I was quickly led backwards. I have prayed continuously for God's guidance, and apparently God did not agree with my choice. When I say I was "quickly led backwards," I mean quickly. Like, I posted that last post, thought about how amazingly at peace I was with my decision, and walked from the computer to the bathroom, where low and behold, guess who started her period like a normal girl on day 28? You guessed it...me! I have never started on day 28...NEVER! Even when I was on birth control, my periods were longer than that. I was in complete disbelief. In fact, I didn't know what day of my cycle it was because I didn't keep track and I never once considered (the thought never crossed my mind) that I would start on my own before at least day 45.

Karl and I went to the doc yesterday, and I was cleared to go. My massive cyst has shrunk to just over 1 cm, and the others are gone. I might be able to grow some cysts, but I can shrink them too! I'll begin taking my medicines tonight and continue through at least next Wednesday.

I have to admit that I'm very apprehensive about taking medicines and pursuing this cycle. My heartache is still just as present as it was before I started. The ending to our last try cycle was nothing short of devastating, and just knowing that we are quickly coming upon the day when I found about the pcos is enough of an emotional roller coaster. It was the beginning of September last year when I first called the doctor's office and set up an appointment because I couldn't let go of that feeling that something wasn't right. I know we've come far, but every step has been hard.

Karl and I have agreed that we're taking this one day at a time, and I'm praying that God will give me the emotional strength to get through this-one way or another-and accept that this is all His plan. He is our leader, and He will guide our path.

Sight Seeing

Have you ever just gone driving with no purpose or destination in mind? When I was a little girl, this was a regular occurrence for my dad and me. We would just go driving sometimes, and it was always so much fun. Sometimes we would get lost, sometimes we would stumble upon the most beautiful old barns or houses, and sometimes we would end up in a familiar location and be amazed that the incidental turns we made got us there. One way or another, it was fun.

As I mentioned in the last post, I've come to a fork in my road. I could go one way and return to the RE, get my shot to induce a new cycle, and start my medicines again or I could go another way and not return, at least for now. As out-of-character as this is for me, I've decided to take the second path. I am not going on Monday for my shot, and I'm not going to set a date for when/if I will. If one morning I wake up, and I'm ready to start back, I will. I'm not going to push myself though. For some reason, it doesn't feel right to go back yet, despite how much I want it to.

I'm still heartbroken that we're having to go through this, and I'm still fearful and angry and bitterly sad. It's still hard for me to believe that the last cycle really didn't work, and I've realized this week that I'm still grieving over that failed cycle, along with all the past failed cycles. I also realized that we're coming up on the 1 year mark of when I found out about the PCOS and my whole world turned upside down with that one phone call. If I started going back now, we would find out if the cycle was successful or failed right around that day, and I just can't do that to myself. If I'm supposed to get pregnant this cycle, then I will, with our without returning to the RE. In my heart, I don't think it's going to be this time though, and this just isn't a good time to have to deal with another failed cycle. Maybe that's why I feel led to take this other path right now. I do believe that when we get pregnant, it will happen at a time when we are with the doctor. God led us to her for a reason, but that doesn't mean that right now is when I'll get pregnant.

This seems like a good time to just go and see where this path leads.