First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage...

...then comes the desire to have a child...

that turns into 18 months of trying,

which involves floods of tears,

countless prayers,

a surprise PCOS diagnosis,

the discovery a little, misshapen uterus,

the growing of a uterus,

lots of doctor's appointments,

4 Clomid cycles,

4 injection cycles with IUI's,

and then...

...comes a baby!

Our baby. Those are two words that I wondered if I would ever get to say. Sometimes (many times) it still feels like a dream when I say them. The reality of this blessing is just starting to set in. We are having a baby. How miraculous and humbling! Since the moment we found out (that's a post for another day), I have been in complete awe of God and His workings. Inside my barren womb, God placed a child---a child who grows every day, whose heart beats strong, who wiggles and swims, who is being put together by the hand of God! God is good!

Bye-Bye 2009

It is so hard to believe 2009 is over! As difficult as this past year has been, we have had many successes in our quest for a baby. We switched to a well-known, highly respected fertility specialist last January, grew my uterus over an inch, learned that Clomid is just not for me, and figured out what kind of ovulation induction drugs my body responds to. Not too shabby!

I am thankful for those little victories, but I am also thankful for a new year. There's always a sense of accomplishment when one year ends and a new one begins. There's also a sense of excitement and anticipation about what's to come. I've always loved waking up on New Year's Day morning and thinking about what might be in store for that year.

Bye-bye 2009 and welcome 2010!

p.s. We're having a little debate in this house... Do we say the new year as "two thousand ten" or "twenty ten"? As a teacher, I'm a little nervous about what to tell my kids next week when we do calendar! :)

One more 2009 victory that was too early in the making to reveal in this post originally: we received a Christmas miracle! On December 21, 2009, Karl and I found out we are expecting our first child! 2009 was truly a year of overcoming and success! We have much to look forward to in this new year and are beyond thrilled to be starting 2010 as a family of 3!

What I Love About IUI Days

We are scheduled for an IUI on Wednesday morning! My estrogen came back at 3,200 today, which is really high. Dr. H. herself called to let me know that. She's never called me before. It made me nervous to hear her voice on my voicemail! The highest I've ever been was 1,970 back in July. Apparently there's an increase in the chance of multiples when your numbers are that high, but that's good news to me! I have one mature follicle at 1.92 cm, and two almost-mature ones at 1.66 each (they'll be close to mature by Wednesday). Then there are so many smaller ones that I lost count. They're too small to matter though. However, it's all those little ones that I think spiked my estrogen. When my estrogen was high this summer, I had mild OHSS (ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome) after the IUI. That's when the ovaries swell and the follicles fill back up with fluid, which puts a lot of weight on the ovaries. Your abdominal cavity also fills with the fluid and swells. It's pretty uncomfortable and can be dangerous when it's severe. Dr. H. said I should expect it to be a little worse this time than it was in the summer (not severe though). I'm okay with that. Now I have the perfect excuse to leave all vacuuming, laundry, and housework to Karl! :)
I'm very excited about our IUI though! I have come to look forward to and treasure our IUI days. This is the day when we could make a baby! We normally get to the hospital around 7:30. We do what we need to do to get what we need from Karl (I'll spare you the details), and then we have an hour and a half to piddle around while they get everything ready for us. We use that time to go to the Starbucks in the main part of the hospital and get coffee and vanilla bean scones. We always enjoy people-watching during this time! After that, we visit the gift shop and browse through a couple magazines. Normally by that point, it's about time to head back upstairs. When they take us back to the room, I get situated, and then a doctor comes in to do the actual insemination. Dr. H. always prays over us at this point when she does the IUI. That's just one of many prayers that is sent to God from us that day. We have about 20 minutes of time alone after that, and I stay flat on the table to prevent gravity from messing things up. Sometimes they do an ultrasound to check and see if I'm ovulating, but sometimes they don't. Then we're free to go. On the way home, we stop for lunch, and then I spend the rest of the day resting in bed or on the couch. I know it doesn't sound like an exciting day, but it could be the beginning of my child's life, and that is the most exciting thing in the whole world! It truly feels like Christmas day with all the anticipation and excitement that go into that day, and then the thrill and joy of the day itself. It really is a wonderful and special day.

No IVF Yet

After Dr. H. talked to us about moving on to in-vitro, I was very upset. I felt I had failed once again. However, I knew I had a month to think about it, and I was sure at the end of that month I would have my conquering spirit back. I was wrong. Throughout the month, I sat down to read our folder of information many times, and each time I stopped because I was so upset over it. I prayed, and the uneasiness never went away. I became so frustrated over it that the mere thought of it made me cry. I want a baby, and I want one now (I'm obviously not blessed with large amounts of patience :)), but yet in-vitro just didn't feel right to me. I couldn't pin-point why, and that just added to the frustration. As my month started drawing to a close, I began to feel a little excited about doing it and like I was ready for battle again. I think I was trying to convince myself that this is what we needed to do. Then when I started my period Saturday morning, I had a big meltdown! My month was up. It was time to make a decision, but I didn't know what to do. In-vitro didn't feel right, but doing nothing at all didn't feel right either. Karl asked me if I would want to do another injections cycle, and I said I thought that was a great idea. We already had a meeting with Dr. H. scheduled for Tuesday to discuss the in-vitro, so we could discuss injections instead. I was so scared to talk to her though! Here she is, our doctor who we trust, and we are telling her that we don't like what she thinks is best for us and would rather to something she said is highly unlikely to be successful for us. When I told her that fear after we talked about doing injections again, she said she was anything but offended and hopes that we will always be true to our feelings and trust our instincts. She said if I'm not at peace with doing in-vitro, then we don't need to do it right now. She also talked to us about how we need to believe that God is using infertility to shape our hearts, and that as painful as this is, we will be better people because of it.

I can't say that I feel particularly great about this cycle (our chances are slim and the numbers for my blood work came back higher than they ever have before, which is a little concerning), but I'm trying to trust that each month is bringing us closer to our baby. If it doesn't work this time, we will still be one month closer to starting that precious life.

If You Want Me To

This song touched my heart today in church, and I wanted to share it. Despite whatever struggle you have in your life, I think everyone can find themselves somewhere in these lyrics.

The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

No I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When You lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the darkness
If You want me to

When I cross over Jordan, I'm gonna sing, gonna shout
Gonna look into your eyes and see you never let me down
So take me on the pathway that leads me home to you
And I will walk through the valley if you want me to

Yes, I will walk through the valley if you want me to

-Lyrics by Ginny Owens

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

Thanksgiving

I saw a great idea a couple months ago for Thanksgiving. It's a "Thankful Jar," and each year, you're supposed to write down something that you're thankful for and put it in the jar. It would be so neat to see how your list changes from year to year and to one day be able to look back on a life full of so many blessings.

We can have a life overflowing with goodness, but as soon as one bad thing comes along, we (I) tend to focus on that. I have a wonderful life. That's all there is to it. However, in the past year, I have felt completely hopeless and disheartened at times. My heart has been flooded by my own tears, and I have felt myself drowning in sorrow all because of one bad thing. Now it is one horrible, gut-wrenching, wouldn't-wish-on-my-worst-enemy thing, but it is only one thing. My quality of my life can and should be defined by so much more than infertility. Since I do have this one bad thing that takes up so much time and emotion, I decided that this would be the perfect year to start a "Thankful Jar." With a life full of so many wonderful blessings, I think now is a good time to be reflective and give thanks for those things.

I wanted my list to have three of the good and wonderful things that I have especially valued this year on it. I think each year's list should be reflective of that year. With that said, here is my list for 2009...

1. I am thankful for a husband who is patient and positive and supportive. The love that man gives me blows my mind every day. He patiently loves me day in and day out, through crazy hormones and tearful ends to cycles. He stands strong for me and encourages me through days when I feel like I've been completely broken. I love his quiet perseverance and endless devotion to what he loves and believes in. God blessed me richly by making me his wife.

2. I am thankful for God's protection during these tough economic times. Karl and I both have great jobs to go to every day that enable us to have a roof over our head, food on our table, and clothes on our back (all in great abundance). The thought of how many people who have lost their jobs and homes this year is truly heartbreaking. People's spirits and dreams have been broken. Lives haves been permanently changed in sad ways. God blessed us though. Although there are days when I question my own sanity for being a kindergarten teacher, the truth is I get to work in a beautiful school every day with precious children who I am hopefully impacting for the better.

3. I am thankful for my doctor and all she is doing to help me become a mommy. She has brought me a long way this year. Heck, let's not forget that she grew my uterus over an inch this year! Although I'm not yet pregnant, she did get me ovulating, and that was a big step for me! She is knowledgeable, determined, and caring. She sees the pain in our hearts, and she cares about it. Month by month, she prays with us and devises plans unique to our case. She is a good doctor, and I am thankful to be her patient.

Happy Thanksgiving!

The Big Step

I know I've said that the months we have spent trying to conceive our baby have been the longest and hardest of my life. We have been trying for 16 months, and I've been on medication for 13 months. However, after today's meeting with the doctor, I was left going, "Wait, it hasn't been that long!" Dr. H. says it's time to move on to in-vitro. She said I've fought hard, and I've made it past where a lot of women do. I wanted to tell her that I have so much more fight in me. She also said she knows it's hard to imagine now, but there will come a day when this is behind us, and when we have that first baby, this will only be a distant memory. I can't explain the emotion that came over me at that moment. Is it possible that this will ever be a distant memory? Or have the wounds been re-opened so many times that they will never heal? We have spent day after day, and month after month, grieving. Each failed cycle brings on a new wave of grief. That wound in my heart has been pierced again and again, and I just can't imagine not living with this ache. It feels like it is a part of me now. My life has adjusted to going on around it. When she said that this will one day be behind us, I felt this huge sense of relief. It was like being told your most valued possession that had been broken beyond repair in your eyes could in fact be fixed. Life could be redeemed. But there's the expense to get there, and with no guarantees...

The thought of what's ahead is terrifying. I have honestly never been more afraid in my life. The emotional, physical, mental, and financial costs will be huge. The intensity of taking this step is enormous. She said in-vitro is our best chance to conceive. This is her recommendation and what she would do if it were her. She's the expert on this too. However, this is our ace card. The best card in your hand that you save until you have to use it. But the only way to know if it's your winning card, is to play it.