Not this time

My little follies from the other day were still little today.  Although my endometrium had thickened slightly, it still wasn't thick enough, so even if the follicles had grown to 1.8 cm, it wouldn't have mattered.  I'm still waiting to hear how my labs looked today and if I can begin the medicine to make me start again, or as the nurse said, "Cancel this cycle."  I liked that terminology.  It's a "moving right along" attitude, which I like because the waiting part of infertility kills me.  

Karl's attitude about it was also wonderful.  I asked him last night for his prediction on today's appointment (this has become a little tradition for us).  He said he thought they would have grown, but in case they hadn't, we didn't want those eggs anyway.  If they're not going to play by our rules, then they can't play at all, and if they're not bringing their A-game, they're not for our team.  Champions (meaning eggs that will fertilize and stick) are not made out of "half-ass, lazy" eggs. His kick-butt attitude made me smile.  

I think husbands of infertile wives are often overlooked in the heartache and anxiety that infertility causes.  I know it's hard on Karl to want to have a baby and not have one or see me break down and not be able to make it all better or have to rearrange his entire work schedule so that he can go to a 30 minute doctor's appointment with me.  He's made it clear all along that this is our journey, not just mine.  He has never, in any way, made me feel guilty or blamed me for this trying time in our lives.  He has held me when I cried, calmed me down when I've gotten angry, brought me dinner in bed when I'm having an especially hard day (and even taken my plate when I'm finished eating and put it in the dishwasher), found ways to make me laugh when I'm in a bad mood, and so much more.  He has, day after day, done everything he can to make me feel better.  

The other day, during a meltdown, I told him I would rather go through this with anyone but him.  I did a horrible job wording my thought at the time.  What I was wanting to convey was how much I hated that he was involved in this because I know it hurts him very deeply.  I love him so much, and his strength and optimistic outlook have carried me through this.  If you know my husband, you know what an admirable, dependable, honest, and truly amazing man he is.  He is a gentleman.  He is kind and compassionate.  I admire him for so many reasons.  I find myself falling in love with him all over again each and every day.  It kills me to know that I have brought this hurt into his life.  I have put him in a position where he has to put on a strong front because some days I just fall apart.  But he never complains.  Although I would rather go through this with anyone but him to prevent him from hurting, I couldn't imagine and wouldn't want to go through it with anyone else.