Acceptance

On October 3, 2008, my life changed in one single phone call. The perfect little plan I had for my life was lost, my world was turned upside down, and I knew it was going to be a long way down before I went back up. A friend told me last winter that she believes we (infertility girls) go through the stages of grief in our quest for a baby. She put words to my emotions. I was grieving. Immediately I prayed for acceptance. I even fooled myself into believing I had accepted this months and months before I actually did. You see, I thought when you reached that stage, everything would be better. Life would be normal again. I was wrong. Acceptance means learning to live with the source of your grief. Your life does become "normal;" it's just not the normal you knew before. Today's normal involves weekly doctor's appointments, a dining room table lined with fertility medicines, infertility and pregnancy books by the bathtub for nightly reading, alarms set for taking medicines, avoiding certain parts of Wal-Mart, and lots and lots of praying. The very things that once brought tears to my eyes have become part of my daily routine. And it is okay. My life is different now. My heart is different now. I thank God for that. God has used infertility to shape my heart. As hard as it is to admit, infertility has brought good to my life. Regardless of how this turns out, my life will always be changed because of it. Although I still do grieve the end of each failed cycle and each life that never was, I don't grieve the journey anymore. Where my heart and soul had been pierced last year, there's a peace now. Maybe that's what acceptance is all about: finding peace.

Last night as I read from Calm My Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow, I found her words particularly meaningful:

"...contentment is a yielding to our Great, Almighty, Holy King...He is the Blessed Controller of our circumstances, gifts, abilities, possessions, roles, and relationships...We accept what He has allowed in the past. We accept what He has allowed today. And we give all our tomorrows to Him. A humility grows within us that He is the loving controller of all things...The soul worship of God is to be content with what He gives, to be thankful in all things."