No IVF Yet

After Dr. H. talked to us about moving on to in-vitro, I was very upset. I felt I had failed once again. However, I knew I had a month to think about it, and I was sure at the end of that month I would have my conquering spirit back. I was wrong. Throughout the month, I sat down to read our folder of information many times, and each time I stopped because I was so upset over it. I prayed, and the uneasiness never went away. I became so frustrated over it that the mere thought of it made me cry. I want a baby, and I want one now (I'm obviously not blessed with large amounts of patience :)), but yet in-vitro just didn't feel right to me. I couldn't pin-point why, and that just added to the frustration. As my month started drawing to a close, I began to feel a little excited about doing it and like I was ready for battle again. I think I was trying to convince myself that this is what we needed to do. Then when I started my period Saturday morning, I had a big meltdown! My month was up. It was time to make a decision, but I didn't know what to do. In-vitro didn't feel right, but doing nothing at all didn't feel right either. Karl asked me if I would want to do another injections cycle, and I said I thought that was a great idea. We already had a meeting with Dr. H. scheduled for Tuesday to discuss the in-vitro, so we could discuss injections instead. I was so scared to talk to her though! Here she is, our doctor who we trust, and we are telling her that we don't like what she thinks is best for us and would rather to something she said is highly unlikely to be successful for us. When I told her that fear after we talked about doing injections again, she said she was anything but offended and hopes that we will always be true to our feelings and trust our instincts. She said if I'm not at peace with doing in-vitro, then we don't need to do it right now. She also talked to us about how we need to believe that God is using infertility to shape our hearts, and that as painful as this is, we will be better people because of it.

I can't say that I feel particularly great about this cycle (our chances are slim and the numbers for my blood work came back higher than they ever have before, which is a little concerning), but I'm trying to trust that each month is bringing us closer to our baby. If it doesn't work this time, we will still be one month closer to starting that precious life.