March 26, 2009

There are certain days/times throughout this little journey that are harder than others.  The day I found out the Clomid didn't work the first time was heartbreaking.  The many days that I've gotten negative readings from ovulation predictor tests and pregnancy tests are bitterly sad.  Reaching the 6 month mark and still not being pregnant made for a long series of depressing days (tallying up to be the whole month). 

And today has been a day that has lurked in my mind since last June.  Within a couple of days of getting off birth control, I started a new cycle-our first cycle to try to conceive.  I was so excited when I got off the pill that I took a picture of my empty birth control pack!  I just knew everything would work right and I would be pregnant within a month.  When I started that "special" cycle, I got on the internet, went to a pregnancy website that had a due date calculator, typed in my information (when I started, how long my cycle was, etc.), and up popped a date for when my first born child would be due: March 26, 2009.  Today.  

I had once hoped that on this day, I would either be very close to delivering a healthy baby or would be holding my sweet angel in my arms.  As the months have gone by, I have changed that hope to just wanting to at least be pregnant by today.  Now, as I sit here, not a mommy, not pregnant, and actually on medication to make sure I don't get pregnant for the next couple of months, I have once again revised my hope and prayer: Please, God, just let me know the joys of pregnancy and motherhood.  Please give me a due date to anxiously anticipate and my child's birthday to joyfully celebrate.  Amen.

Growing Pains?

Odd cramping has become a regular part of my life since I started taking all these different medicines. For the most part, I just think, "Oh, I'm cramping, again" and move on with my day, rarely even giving it another thought. The past two days I've had a dull cramp in my lower stomach, right around where my uterus is. Could it be growing pains? I'm praying that's exactly what it is. I am praying this little uterus is growing a good inch before the end of April!

On another note, we've been married for almost 3 years. I truly cannot believe it. Our first year of marriage was dream-like. It was blissfully happy and filled with laughter and romance. Our second year was equally as wonderful. The pressure of making everything extra special because it was our "first" (first Thanksgiving, first Christmas, first mortgage payment, etc.) was gone, so it was a little more relaxed. We weren't used to that kind of relaxation, so we (I) decided to mix things up by adding a new member to our family-Sadie. She added a lot of excitement to our home! A few months after our second anniversary, we decided that we should work on adding one more member to our family. Well, as you know, that hasn't worked out just as we planned. Here we are, about to celebrate our 3rd anniversary and embark on our 4th year of marriage, and we're still working on that little project. This year of marriage has been different from the others. It's been filled with a lot of anxiety, fear, and tears as we've been introduced to the hardships of infertility. Maybe this is a growing pain our marriage just has to endure. Growing pains are rarely pleasant and tend to stretch you in ways that are uncomfortable, but they also leave you different, bigger, and mostly better than you were before.

My Happy Pills

I cannot believe I'm about to say this, and I really cannot believe it's how I actually feel, but I am enjoying taking the estrogen.  Each medicine I've taken since October has greatly affected my hormones.  As I've said, I have PCOS, which means my hormones are out of whack (among other things).  When I take the different medicines, my hormones become even crazier.  However, I'm reacting very well to the estrogen.  I now refer to them as my "happy pills."  The way I feel now is the closest I've felt to myself since before this started.  I don't know if this is the result of an acceptance to our situation, God's intervention, the estrogen, or a combination of all of those (which is most likely).  I'm very thankful for this reaction though.  

The depression that sank in after my diagnosis through mid-January made each day feel like an eternity.  I actually would count down the hours until I could get in bed each day.  Getting out of bed each morning was painful.  Facing the day ahead was almost unbearable.  I told Karl one day that I felt like I was dancing on the edge of depression every day, and I really was.  My vision of myself during that time was me balancing on a tightrope high above a body of water.  It was all I could do to not fall off, but truthfully, many days I did.  I would get to work early so that I could have a good cry before the kids got there because I knew I couldn't hold it together all day.  There were also many afternoons that I would cry in the closet of my classroom after the kids left because I just couldn't hold it in any longer.  Karl saw many of my tears and breakdowns, but there were so many more that he never knew about.  I was a mess.  

It's better now, and for whatever reason that may be, I am grateful.  It's nice to feel like me again.  I know there are so many people praying on our behalf, and for each prayer, I am humbled and filled with gratitude.  Several people have said they are praying for a peace for us as we walk this path, and I believe those prayers are being heard and answered.  I feel filled with a peace right now that can only be attributed to God's hand on us.  For the first time in a long time, I really feel everything is going to be okay.

Praying for Growth

I started the estrogen 2 days ago, and I just set up my next doctor's appointment. I will go on April 29th at 9:00 for an ultrasound to see how much my uterus has grown in response to the estrogen. I'm not sure of the exact size now, but I know my uterus is between 2 and 3 inches. A normal uterus is between 3 and 4 inches. I am praying so specifically right now. My prayer is that my uterus will be at least 3 inches by April 29th. I believe in the power of prayer, and I am flooding God's door with this request!

The Polar Express

One of my favorite movies is The Polar Express. Although it is a cartoon and a Christmas movie, I watch it throughout the year and love it more each time I see it. It is a great movie, and oddly enough, the theme (struggling while wanting to believe in something) goes along with my own feelings I've had throughout this infertility experience.

Here is a quote from the movie that I find quite interesting in comparison to my personal struggles with faith:

Hobo: What exactly is... is your persuasion on the Big Man (Santa for the boy, God for me), since you brought him up?
The Boy: Well, I... I want to believe... but... (I know that but...)
Hobo: But you don't want to be bamboozled. You don't want to be led down the primrose path! You don't want to be conned or duped. Have the wool pulled over your eyes. Hoodwinked! You don't want to be taken for a ride. Railroaded! 
Hobo: Seeing is believing. Am I right?

Then it gets better. Towards the end of the movie, the conductor says something along the lines of "After all, seeing is believing, or is it? Sometimes the most real things in this world are things we cannot see." So true! I love that line! That is faith.  God is the most real thing in this world, and I don't have to see Him (although, I guess I do see him in the beauty of the world) to believe He exists.

My favorite character is Billy. Christmas has never really worked out for him. He is the last passenger who boards the Polar Express, and he is very hesitant to do so. In his mind, what's the point? Once at the North Pole, 3 of the children, including Billy, stumble upon one last gift that needs to go in Santa's sleigh. The gift is for Billy. Billy is so excited that he refuses to let go of the gift and is loaded into Santa's bag with the other gifts. The elves pull him out, and you see the fear in his eyes. He knows Santa is real now, and he is so close to Christmas working out for him. If he lets go of this gift, will he still receive it? Will it make it's way under his tree? Or will he be disappointed because Christmas doesn't work out for him, again?

Of course, when he gets home, the gift is sitting under his tree.

I know how Billy feels. God has given me the gift of being a woman and the desire to be a mother. Now, I'm at the "right" age and the "right" time in my marriage to have a baby and the desire is stronger than ever.  However, getting pregnant and being a mother hasn't exactly worked out for me so far.  If I give God control of this desire and put my trust in Him, if I let go as Billy did, will I still receive the gift of motherhood? Will a baby makes it's way into my womb? Here I am, holding on to that gift having to decide do I hang on out of fear or do I let go because of faith?

I'm going to trust that when it's my time to step off this train, my gift will be waiting for me too.  God always comes through for those who truly believe.  

I believe.  

Letting Go

I said a few days ago that I feel we (women dealing with infertility) go through the stages of grief in our struggles for a baby. I never would have believed that it is possible to grieve for something you never had or to miss someone you never knew, but through this experience, I now know otherwise. I miss my child, a child I do not know or have yet to conceive, so much sometimes that my heart actually hurts. A key verse from the Bible for me is "A hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a hope fulfilled is a tree of life." (Proverbs 13:12) I love that verse because never have words been so true and applicable in my life. I am grieving because what I so desperately long for and so greatly love is not with me, and there is nothing I can do to fix this. Or is there? I could give this to God and trust him, the way we as Christians are supposed to. I could let God do His wonderful, beautiful, miraculous work in my life.

Why is trusting God so hard for me? There has never been anything I have wanted more than to have babies and be a mom. It is so important to me and something I desire with all my heart. I am afraid to truly turn this problem over to God because I'm afraid if I let it go, it might not happen. I like to think that I've been clinging to hope through this, but truthfully, I've been clinging to fear. If I'm going to be hopeful, though, then I have to let God handle this problem for me. It's time to turn it over.

I'm beginning to think I'm getting a little closer to finally accepting this issue in my life. For starters, the uncontrollable crying and being on the verge of a panic attack when I hear someone talk about anything pregnancy-related has calmed down considerably in the past month. For awhile, I would find myself crying sometimes and not even know I was crying until tears fell on whatever I was doing. But also, I'm beginning to feel okay. Not great, but okay. Life seems livable and not so painful again.

Although I know that I will still have bad days through this, I'm ready to take on the good days. Good things are ahead for us. God will see to that.

Snow Day, Part II

She's smiling!

Here is Sadie attacking the snow.

She loved eating the snow.

This, of course, is my favorite picture from today!

Karl, Sadie, and I went outside and played in the snow and had a fun snowball fight!  When Sadie saw us having fun in the snow, she quickly joined in.  She would run and pounce in the snow, stick her head in it, and try to eat snowballs.  Here are some of my favorite pictures from this morning.

Snow Day

Sadie was not sure about this white stuff covering her yard. She smelled it and walked around the edge of the yard for several minutes before being brave enough to walk on it. She's an indoor-kind-of-girl. This wet, cold stuff is for the dogs!

I loved waking up to a nice dusting of snow and sipping hot chocolate with marshmallows this morning! We haven't had a snow day since I was in 7th grade, and although I don't think we'll have one tomorrow, I have my fingers crossed for a delayed opening!