Not Where I Thought I'd Be

At no point during the past 16 months have I been where I thought I'd be. I never imagined having to fight so hard to fulfill a dream. I never thought infertility and I would know each other so well. I never knew how badly I wanted a baby.
Isn't it funny how most days come and go, and you never remember them at all? Then there are other days/weeks/events that are completely engraved in your memory? This time last year, I was waiting on my period. We had found out about the PCOS, and I had taken Provera to induce a new cycle. Between the horrible news and the first round of messing with my hormones, I was an emotional disaster. To make matters worse, I couldn't seem to start my period even with the Provera. I waited and waited and waited.
Here I am one year later, and I'm doing the exact same thing: waiting on my period. This is not where I thought I'd be. I'll admit that last year I couldn't even (and was afraid to) imagine my life one year later, but had I imagined, this is not where I thought I'd be. We are 16 months into this journey, and only God knows how many months stand before us. Once again, I'm afraid to even imagine.
This week's been rough. I know I've stayed silent on this blog for almost a month, but things seemed to be going so well that I was afraid to put words to it. I was afraid that if I told anyone how well my cycle was proceeding or how hopeful I felt or how I really thought I was pregnant this time, then somehow that would mess it all up. The beginning of this cycle was really smooth: I was cleared to use the shots, the medicines were delivered to the house without any complications, my response was beautiful (I had 3 big, healthy looking follicles), and our IUI went great. I felt like I was holding my breath for the next two weeks. My boobs were sore, and my uterus was tender. I dreamed about being pregnant and holding a baby, and I would even find myself praying for this child I believed was in me when I would wake up during the night. In my heart, I believed we had finally gotten to the place where we have so desperately longed to be.
Then Monday came. We went to the doctor for my blood test. The nurse called earlier than normal and left me a message. I was excited because I thought she was calling me first out of the other girls who had been tested that day because my test was positive (I don't know how I come up with this stuff). As I listened to the message, I couldn't believe what I was told. The test was negative. I listened again because I was certain I had heard wrong. But I hadn't. The baby I had prayed for and fallen in love with didn't exist. The baby that would have been due on my birthday was just another broken dream.
And so here I am, not where I ever thought I would be, exactly where I was one year ago today.

The Next Plan

After meeting with the doctor today, we have our new plan. It's not that different from the old one (I'm a little frustrated by that, but since she is the one with the medical degree, I'm trying to trust her). I will not be taking any pills this cycle...no Femara or Clomid...and doing just injections. That's how it's different. The way that it's the same is that she didn't increase my shot dosage. She said my response at 75 iu's has been good, and she doesn't want me to grow more than 3 follicles. If I have 3 or more maturing follicles, she will cancel the cycle because of the risk of multiples. My feeling is that since I haven't gotten pregnant yet, then I need more medicine! However, since I'm not taking any pills, I will be doing the shots longer, so hopefully my response will be stronger this time. One of the reasons she took the pills out of the plan is because my lining is not getting thick enough, which might be a side effect from them. I had the courage to ask her if there was any reason she had to believe that this would never work for us. She said she isn't concerned and this is all just about finding the right thing that makes all this click. You know, it's hard to not feel like a big puzzle being put together when you're a patient at a fertility clinic.

Acceptance

On October 3, 2008, my life changed in one single phone call. The perfect little plan I had for my life was lost, my world was turned upside down, and I knew it was going to be a long way down before I went back up. A friend told me last winter that she believes we (infertility girls) go through the stages of grief in our quest for a baby. She put words to my emotions. I was grieving. Immediately I prayed for acceptance. I even fooled myself into believing I had accepted this months and months before I actually did. You see, I thought when you reached that stage, everything would be better. Life would be normal again. I was wrong. Acceptance means learning to live with the source of your grief. Your life does become "normal;" it's just not the normal you knew before. Today's normal involves weekly doctor's appointments, a dining room table lined with fertility medicines, infertility and pregnancy books by the bathtub for nightly reading, alarms set for taking medicines, avoiding certain parts of Wal-Mart, and lots and lots of praying. The very things that once brought tears to my eyes have become part of my daily routine. And it is okay. My life is different now. My heart is different now. I thank God for that. God has used infertility to shape my heart. As hard as it is to admit, infertility has brought good to my life. Regardless of how this turns out, my life will always be changed because of it. Although I still do grieve the end of each failed cycle and each life that never was, I don't grieve the journey anymore. Where my heart and soul had been pierced last year, there's a peace now. Maybe that's what acceptance is all about: finding peace.

Last night as I read from Calm My Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow, I found her words particularly meaningful:

"...contentment is a yielding to our Great, Almighty, Holy King...He is the Blessed Controller of our circumstances, gifts, abilities, possessions, roles, and relationships...We accept what He has allowed in the past. We accept what He has allowed today. And we give all our tomorrows to Him. A humility grows within us that He is the loving controller of all things...The soul worship of God is to be content with what He gives, to be thankful in all things."