Bye-Bye 2009

It is so hard to believe 2009 is over! As difficult as this past year has been, we have had many successes in our quest for a baby. We switched to a well-known, highly respected fertility specialist last January, grew my uterus over an inch, learned that Clomid is just not for me, and figured out what kind of ovulation induction drugs my body responds to. Not too shabby!

I am thankful for those little victories, but I am also thankful for a new year. There's always a sense of accomplishment when one year ends and a new one begins. There's also a sense of excitement and anticipation about what's to come. I've always loved waking up on New Year's Day morning and thinking about what might be in store for that year.

Bye-bye 2009 and welcome 2010!

p.s. We're having a little debate in this house... Do we say the new year as "two thousand ten" or "twenty ten"? As a teacher, I'm a little nervous about what to tell my kids next week when we do calendar! :)

One more 2009 victory that was too early in the making to reveal in this post originally: we received a Christmas miracle! On December 21, 2009, Karl and I found out we are expecting our first child! 2009 was truly a year of overcoming and success! We have much to look forward to in this new year and are beyond thrilled to be starting 2010 as a family of 3!

What I Love About IUI Days

We are scheduled for an IUI on Wednesday morning! My estrogen came back at 3,200 today, which is really high. Dr. H. herself called to let me know that. She's never called me before. It made me nervous to hear her voice on my voicemail! The highest I've ever been was 1,970 back in July. Apparently there's an increase in the chance of multiples when your numbers are that high, but that's good news to me! I have one mature follicle at 1.92 cm, and two almost-mature ones at 1.66 each (they'll be close to mature by Wednesday). Then there are so many smaller ones that I lost count. They're too small to matter though. However, it's all those little ones that I think spiked my estrogen. When my estrogen was high this summer, I had mild OHSS (ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome) after the IUI. That's when the ovaries swell and the follicles fill back up with fluid, which puts a lot of weight on the ovaries. Your abdominal cavity also fills with the fluid and swells. It's pretty uncomfortable and can be dangerous when it's severe. Dr. H. said I should expect it to be a little worse this time than it was in the summer (not severe though). I'm okay with that. Now I have the perfect excuse to leave all vacuuming, laundry, and housework to Karl! :)
I'm very excited about our IUI though! I have come to look forward to and treasure our IUI days. This is the day when we could make a baby! We normally get to the hospital around 7:30. We do what we need to do to get what we need from Karl (I'll spare you the details), and then we have an hour and a half to piddle around while they get everything ready for us. We use that time to go to the Starbucks in the main part of the hospital and get coffee and vanilla bean scones. We always enjoy people-watching during this time! After that, we visit the gift shop and browse through a couple magazines. Normally by that point, it's about time to head back upstairs. When they take us back to the room, I get situated, and then a doctor comes in to do the actual insemination. Dr. H. always prays over us at this point when she does the IUI. That's just one of many prayers that is sent to God from us that day. We have about 20 minutes of time alone after that, and I stay flat on the table to prevent gravity from messing things up. Sometimes they do an ultrasound to check and see if I'm ovulating, but sometimes they don't. Then we're free to go. On the way home, we stop for lunch, and then I spend the rest of the day resting in bed or on the couch. I know it doesn't sound like an exciting day, but it could be the beginning of my child's life, and that is the most exciting thing in the whole world! It truly feels like Christmas day with all the anticipation and excitement that go into that day, and then the thrill and joy of the day itself. It really is a wonderful and special day.

No IVF Yet

After Dr. H. talked to us about moving on to in-vitro, I was very upset. I felt I had failed once again. However, I knew I had a month to think about it, and I was sure at the end of that month I would have my conquering spirit back. I was wrong. Throughout the month, I sat down to read our folder of information many times, and each time I stopped because I was so upset over it. I prayed, and the uneasiness never went away. I became so frustrated over it that the mere thought of it made me cry. I want a baby, and I want one now (I'm obviously not blessed with large amounts of patience :)), but yet in-vitro just didn't feel right to me. I couldn't pin-point why, and that just added to the frustration. As my month started drawing to a close, I began to feel a little excited about doing it and like I was ready for battle again. I think I was trying to convince myself that this is what we needed to do. Then when I started my period Saturday morning, I had a big meltdown! My month was up. It was time to make a decision, but I didn't know what to do. In-vitro didn't feel right, but doing nothing at all didn't feel right either. Karl asked me if I would want to do another injections cycle, and I said I thought that was a great idea. We already had a meeting with Dr. H. scheduled for Tuesday to discuss the in-vitro, so we could discuss injections instead. I was so scared to talk to her though! Here she is, our doctor who we trust, and we are telling her that we don't like what she thinks is best for us and would rather to something she said is highly unlikely to be successful for us. When I told her that fear after we talked about doing injections again, she said she was anything but offended and hopes that we will always be true to our feelings and trust our instincts. She said if I'm not at peace with doing in-vitro, then we don't need to do it right now. She also talked to us about how we need to believe that God is using infertility to shape our hearts, and that as painful as this is, we will be better people because of it.

I can't say that I feel particularly great about this cycle (our chances are slim and the numbers for my blood work came back higher than they ever have before, which is a little concerning), but I'm trying to trust that each month is bringing us closer to our baby. If it doesn't work this time, we will still be one month closer to starting that precious life.