GODISNOWHERE

The Prometrium finally worked! I started on Friday morning. To simply say I was excited was an understatement! The past two cycles we've had such a hard time figuring out what day should count as day 1 since I was spotting. This time there was no spotting, and already I felt a huge burden lifted. I immediately called my RE's office to schedule my baseline blood work and ultrasound. They said I could go ahead and come in that morning. I even thought to myself, "Wow! This is all going so smoothly. I just know this is going to be the cycle!"

During the ultrasound, the nurse was checking my ovaries, and that's when she said, "Uh oh." As we all know, that's never a good remark coming from someone in the medical profession. My heart immediately fell, and I started doing everything in my power to choke back tears. The nurse turned the screen towards me, and I saw a big round thing. I knew exactly what it was: a cyst. Her next remark was, "It's really big." She repeated that same remark two other times before my ultrasound was done, and that alone was putting me on the edge of a meltdown. She said their policy is to not give a patient any new drugs for that cycle (including Clomid) if there is a cyst of 3 cm or greater. Mine was 3 cm (which definitely did not deserve the "it's so big" remark 3 different times). The Clomid could cause the cyst to grow even more and cause problems. The hope is that if I don't take any stimulants this month, the cyst will disappear on its own within 30 days. I will go back to the doctor on day 32 of my cycle, they'll do an ultrasound, and if it's gone, they'll give me a progesterone shot to induce a new cycle. That way I won't have to take the pills for 10 days.

Here's the thing: I don't take "no" very well. Also, I love nothing more than to prove people wrong when they say that I can't do something. I've always been very stubborn and very independent. The nurse did say that we could try on our own, but to not get my hopes up given my history. When you're infertile, hope is all you have to ease that ache in your heart, and you cling to that hope despite what any nurse or doctor tells you.

We are going to try on our own this month. If I were to get pregnant, no one could deny God's hand in that miracle. No credit could be passed off to doctors or modern medicine or anything outside of God. Our child would be a living testimony of God's mercy and healing. I know our chances, according to what medicine says, are low this month; however, I also know that God made a blind man see and God brought children to many couples in the Bible who had battled infertility. God grants miracles, and God creates life in barren women. That's recorded in His Word and is visible in our lives today.

Months ago at church, our pastor put this up on the screen and asked us what we saw:

GODISNOWHERE

I'll be honest, I read it as "God is no where," and was shocked our pastor would even put something up like that. But when he read it, he said, "God is now here." His point was that although we sometimes feel as if God cannot be found in our lives, He is always with us.

There have been many times in this journey that I have felt that God has abandoned me or forgotten me or doesn't hear my cries and prayers. I pray that this month can be one of those times that a tally mark goes in God's column as being "here" and no one who hears our story can ever say that "God is no where" again. I pray that my child will be a doubtful man's proof that God is real and working in every life He creates.