Sight Seeing

Have you ever just gone driving with no purpose or destination in mind? When I was a little girl, this was a regular occurrence for my dad and me. We would just go driving sometimes, and it was always so much fun. Sometimes we would get lost, sometimes we would stumble upon the most beautiful old barns or houses, and sometimes we would end up in a familiar location and be amazed that the incidental turns we made got us there. One way or another, it was fun.

As I mentioned in the last post, I've come to a fork in my road. I could go one way and return to the RE, get my shot to induce a new cycle, and start my medicines again or I could go another way and not return, at least for now. As out-of-character as this is for me, I've decided to take the second path. I am not going on Monday for my shot, and I'm not going to set a date for when/if I will. If one morning I wake up, and I'm ready to start back, I will. I'm not going to push myself though. For some reason, it doesn't feel right to go back yet, despite how much I want it to.

I'm still heartbroken that we're having to go through this, and I'm still fearful and angry and bitterly sad. It's still hard for me to believe that the last cycle really didn't work, and I've realized this week that I'm still grieving over that failed cycle, along with all the past failed cycles. I also realized that we're coming up on the 1 year mark of when I found out about the PCOS and my whole world turned upside down with that one phone call. If I started going back now, we would find out if the cycle was successful or failed right around that day, and I just can't do that to myself. If I'm supposed to get pregnant this cycle, then I will, with our without returning to the RE. In my heart, I don't think it's going to be this time though, and this just isn't a good time to have to deal with another failed cycle. Maybe that's why I feel led to take this other path right now. I do believe that when we get pregnant, it will happen at a time when we are with the doctor. God led us to her for a reason, but that doesn't mean that right now is when I'll get pregnant.

This seems like a good time to just go and see where this path leads.