This morning I quickly learned that if yesterday was not day 1, then today most definitely was. I have been "full flow" and had intense cramps today. As oddly as it sounds, that's an answered prayer. I prayed last night for the frustration and confusion I felt yesterday, and this morning, God took away all of it. There was no denying that I was on a new cycle. The nurse I spoke to this afternoon said she would consider yesterday as day 1 based on the information I shared with her. I don't have to go for early cycle blood work this time, but I do have to go for an ultrasound on Friday morning at 11:00 to make sure no cysts have developed on my ovaries and that they look good and healthy. If they do, then I will begin the Clomid that afternoon (100 mg on days 5-9). Just on a side note, Friday would be day 100 of the "100 Day Wait." What a wonderful way to reach that day (I'm ahead of where I thought I'd be) and kick off my summer break!
The emotional aspects of beginning a new cycle are also in full swing today. I know the dangers of getting my hopes up. I know the devastation I feel when things don't work out the way I long for. I know that the disappointment that goes along with infertility can physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually break me. But...
I also know that if you don't let yourself believe in the victory you seek, the fight to get there can defeat you. You have to have something to fight for, something that makes every obstacle worth overcoming. You have to believe that every ounce of joy is greater than every pound of pain. Therefore, today I let myself dream. I let my mind wonder to what may happen. I opened my heart to a life that has yet to be created. I found myself falling madly in love with a child that God currently holds for us. I asked myself the same question I ask at the start of each new cycle: Could this cycle be the one?
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