Sick

What a week! I have a cold (who gets a cold in August?). I started my period, which would normally be exciting, except for the not-so-exciting news I got Tuesday when I found out that my pitiful reproductive system has decided to mass produce cysts all over itself. School started back, which has resulted in a 60 hour work week (I know that's not abnormal for a lot of people, but I'm out of shape right now). Sometimes (each August) I wonder how insane I am to willingly be a kindergarten teacher. Today is Friday, and exhaustion has settled over every ounce of my body. My head is aching. My feet are covered in blisters. I can't smell because my nose is so stopped up, and I have no voice left from coughing.

I fought this cold aggressively because I simply don't have time for it. At first I blamed it on last week's meltdowns. Then I blamed it on allergies. After a week, I accepted that I had caught a cold in August. I am sick (and obviously contagious since Karl now has it). Tonight I looked up the definition of "sick", and this is what I found:

• -affected with disease or ill health

-spiritually or morally unsound or corrupt
-sickened by strong emotion, filled with disgust or chagrin, depressed and longing for something
-mentally or emotionally unsound or disordered
-incapable of producing profitable yields of a crop

Wow, it is like I found a definition of myself. As I have researched and written about my experience with infertility, I have never liked how the terms "diagnosed," "treatments," "disease," "illness," etc. are used with infertility. I feel like those terms are reserved for people who are sick. It was hard for me to accept that infertility is an "illness" encompassed from many different "diseases" that are "diagnosed" and need "treatments." When I first found out about the PCOS, it was hard for me to admit, just as it has been this week with the cold, that something was wrong with my body, something that only God could make better. Although the physical pain is typically minimal, the emotional pain is severe. To live each day with a heart so heavy that you feel you could drown and to have at once thought that on this day you would be holding your child in your arms and not even be pregnant is nothing short of excruciating. The pain that infertility causes breaks you down, bit by bit. Or is that God? Is the stripping of each layer and shattering of each plan you devised God's handiwork? Is that God hammering away at my weary heart trying to fix a broken, sinful soul? Without a doubt, I believe God did this to me. God made me infertile. He purposefully created me with dysfunctional ovaries. He intentionally created me in a way that I would have no choice but to turn to Him in my darkest time. Although somedays I feel like I'm being punished, when I'm completely honest with myself, I know that my infertility is a tool God is using to reach inside my heart and let Himself in. It is hard for me to right now imagine that any reason or purpose or plan is worth this heartache, but God is teaching me trust and patience. He is teaching me how to be dependent on Him. I can only imagine what else He is teaching me and using this for. I would be lying if I said I was at peace with this. I would be lying if I said that I didn't fight against God daily on this. However, in all honesty, I know God will see me though this and I'm choosing to believe that somehow, someway God will bring me joy again.