Uterus Update and More

We had our appointment this morning for the ultrasound and meeting with Dr. H. Overall, everything went well. My uterus is a good size now, but there is a new "but.."

During the ultrasound, the technician measured my uterus and looked at my endometrium and ovaries. She said everything looked good and my endometrium was thick. Getting my endometrium to thicken was one of our goals with the estrogen. By the end of my last cycle, it was pretty thin, which is a side effect from the Clomid. I could tell from her measurements that my uterus had grown, but I wasn't sure if it was enough. (By the way, I found out that it is now a whopping 3.1 inches!!!)

Then we met with Dr. H. to go over the ultrasound and get our next plan together. At first, everything was going great. My uterus grew, my endometrium is thick, my ovaries look great, etc. Then we started talking more about my uterus.

The inner cavity of a uterus is supposed to look like a triangle. One of the things we found out from the HSG in February was that mine does not. I have a T-shaped uterus (which as a kindergarten teacher, I thought was very cute). There is nothing she can do to change that, and it can cause some problems for our baby (possible risks: 4-5% chance of a tubal pregnancy, premature baby, baby not in the right position for delivery). However, we are very, very, very lucky to know about this before I got pregnant because we can be on the lookout for those things and prevent anything worse from happening. Due to the abnormal shape of my uterus, we will be with a high risk specialist from the very beginning. After all we've been through, I think it will be comforting to have someone looking out for my baby and me so closely throughout the entire pregnancy.

Next we talked about some spots that showed up on the ultrasound. Dr. H. said these spots are most likely due to adenomyosis (a condition in which tissue that normally lines the endometrium also grows within the muscular walls of the uterus). From what I remember her saying, that's not a big deal. The possible problem is that women who have adenomyosis often also have endometriosis. That made me a little uncomfortable, and I brought up that some women who have endometriosis never are able to have children. Dr. H. said not to worry about that because if I have it, it wouldn't be that serious. So, they did blood work to check some levels, which will suggest if I do or do not have a little endometriosis. I'll get those results back either by the end of this week or beginning of next week. If the levels show that there is a possibility I have it, then they'll do laparoscopic surgery to remove it, and we'll move on. Before we even get there, they want to find out for sure if I do have adenomyosis. I have an MRI scheduled for Monday at noon, and then we'll know the answer to that.

As for my medication, I am to keep taking the estrogen until we have more answers, which will probably be another week. After that, I'll take Provera for 10 days to induce a new cycle and then the Clomid on days 5-9 of my next cycle. She also said that after my incredible response to the 200 mg of Clomid, she wants to knock it down to 100 mg next time. Apparently 25 follicles are just too many! :)

So, I'll close this lengthy post by saying we are in good hands and I am so grateful for Dr. H. and everyone who led us to her. Although we've had a lot of little problems, she keeps fixing them. Step by step, she is making me healthier and helping us become parents to a healthy baby.

4 More Days

In 4 days, we have our doctor's appointment where they will measure my uterus again.  In 4 days, I will know if all this estrogen has done anything in my body.  In 4 days, I will be one game plan closer to conceiving my baby!  I have been a bundle of nerves for the past 2 weeks over this appointment.  Can you imagine how fun I'll be these next few days?! :)  Poor Karl!

I emailed a wonderful friend of mine a few days ago because I was quickly becoming a nervous wreck, and she always does a great job of calming me down.  She said I have 3 things to be thankful for right now.

1.  I have a doctor who has a goal for a healthy baby.

2.  I have gained so much new knowledge about my body in the past year.  This time last year, I didn't know I had any problems, had no idea what those problems even were, and had no plan to figure out the best solution.

3.  I am many steps closer to getting the baby I've been praying for.

I don't know why, but last night it hit me: less than 3 weeks until my doctor's appointment.  While I should be excited about that visit because we might get our go-ahead to "get back in the game," I found myself crying.  Not sobbing, not even a constant stream of tears, just the occasional one that became too heavy to rest beneath the surface.  I cried for what we've been through these past 10 months, and I cried for what's ahead.  They were sad tears intermingled with happy tears.  

Although there were many memories that I thought about last night, there was one in particular that came to mind: the night that followed my SIS when our doctor advised us to take a break and try to grow my uterus, thus beginning what I refer to as the "100 Day Wait."  I was so distraught that there was a new problem when my original problem was finally getting better.  In fact, I was still distraught over having an original problem at all.  I was angry and fearful and sad.  I had just finished the Clomid the day before and was still a little dizzy and queasy from it, and I was taking antibiotics to prevent an infection from the HSG and SIS.  Well, I didn't feel like eating dinner that night.  However, I did take the antibiotic.  Within 30 minutes, I was sick as a dog.  As I hung my head over the toilet, I cried uncontrollably.  Everything hurt and ached, but it was my heart that hurt the most.  What was so wrong with me that God didn't want me to have a child?  There are mothers out there who murder their children and sell them in exchange for drugs and abuse them and leave them in garbage cans to die.  Why did God give them children when they didn't desire them or care for them?  Why me?  I will make a good mother.  I will love my children and protect them and take care of them.  I will do anything for their benefit, but yet God chose to make me infertile.  Why?

I think at some point we all struggle with similar questions as these.  I know God has a reason, but it is still hard when you're in the midst of that suffering.  I had said that I wanted to start this blog for different reasons, but one of those reasons was so that I would not forget what we went through.  That is one night I don't want to forget.  It was one of the worst nights I've been through in this journey.  Emotionally, physically, mentally, I was at a very low point.  However, the next morning, I got up, went to work (can't say I didn't cry many times that day), and made it through the day.  I've made it through almost two months since that night, and I will continue to make it through the days ahead because God is with me and provides me with the strength to "make it."

How amazing is that love that God has for each of us?  How beautiful is that constant presence in our lives?  What a relief to know that in each step and each moment, He is there with me! He was there that night, and He will be there the moment our child is born. 

And it was that peace that swept over me again last night that caused the happy tears.

Moving Right Along

We are either halfway or 1/3 of the way done with the estrogen!  According to my RE (reproductive endocrinologist-that's such a mouthful!), I will take the estrogen for 60 days, get measured, and take it for 30 more days if needed (I am hoping and praying I won't need that extra dose).  I finally called the nurse this week to ask my list of questions because I've been too embarrassed to ask up until now.  Luckily, all her answers were positive and reassuring.  One of my questions was about this discomfort/pinching/needle poking feeling in my uterus every afternoon.  I asked if that could be growing pains, and she said it definitely could be!  If these are growing pains, then they are one of the best pains I've ever had!  

One more thing

I have one more tip (for now at least)...
If you get pregnant very easily, you can leave that detail out when telling your friend who is having a hard time getting pregnant. The following are not good things to say:
1. "We weren't even trying!" (If you are not "preventing," then you are "trying.")
2. "I don't know how this happened!" (Ugh!)
3. "There must be something in the water!" (I wish there was!)
4. "I think my husband just looked at me and got me pregnant!" (Oh how I wish it was that easy!)

How to Deal With Friends-With-Fertility-Issues

There are some things in life you hope to never experience. You don't want to understand the pain, fear, or personal changes that result from those dreaded experiences. You never hear anyone say they want to have cancer or they want to lose their job and suffer financial destruction or they want to get in a car accident and be paralyzed. We feel tremendous sorrow for anyone who goes through those nightmares, but deep down inside we just pray we never know what it's like to be them.
For me, infertility was one of those things I hoped I never would experience. In fact, I feared it so much that I prayed for years for an easy conception and a healthy baby. I'm embarrassed to say this, but one of the reasons Karl and I "waited" (you know what I mean) is because I thought God would reward that by not only giving us children, but by letting us conceive them easily. We all know that's not how God works though. Just wishful thinking on my part...
As hard as I try to express my feelings about our infertility experience, I just can't find the words to completely describe the heartache and darkness that fills your life because of it. That only adds to the frustration because even you can't define your feelings. They're too deep and painful to fully comprehend, and if you don't understand them, how can anyone else?
I don't think I'm alone in my fear of infertility. I think it's a fear that resides in most women's hearts. However, I have been amazed at how insensitive some people are about it. Here are some tips on dealing with your friends who are suffering through infertility...
Tip #1: Never say, "If you wouldn't think about it so much, it will just happen." This comment stings because an infertile woman normally has a lot of self blame about her problems, and that just adds to the feeling of "Can't I do anything right?!"
Tip #2: Don't be afraid to talk to your friend about her issues. It feels so good to confide in people, even if they don't know what it's like to go through this.
Tip #3: Don't say, "I know it will work out for you." Truthfully, you don't know it will happen.
Tip #4: Be honest with your friend if you are trying to conceive. Don't hide this from her, especially if she asks you about it. I understand wanting your pregnancy to be a surprise, but don't put your friend in that situation. Although she will be very happy for you, it still hurts her. She might need a little time to let those good feelings rise to the top. Give her that time. Be sensitive to what she's going through.
Infertility is a hard path to walk.