The Big Step

I know I've said that the months we have spent trying to conceive our baby have been the longest and hardest of my life. We have been trying for 16 months, and I've been on medication for 13 months. However, after today's meeting with the doctor, I was left going, "Wait, it hasn't been that long!" Dr. H. says it's time to move on to in-vitro. She said I've fought hard, and I've made it past where a lot of women do. I wanted to tell her that I have so much more fight in me. She also said she knows it's hard to imagine now, but there will come a day when this is behind us, and when we have that first baby, this will only be a distant memory. I can't explain the emotion that came over me at that moment. Is it possible that this will ever be a distant memory? Or have the wounds been re-opened so many times that they will never heal? We have spent day after day, and month after month, grieving. Each failed cycle brings on a new wave of grief. That wound in my heart has been pierced again and again, and I just can't imagine not living with this ache. It feels like it is a part of me now. My life has adjusted to going on around it. When she said that this will one day be behind us, I felt this huge sense of relief. It was like being told your most valued possession that had been broken beyond repair in your eyes could in fact be fixed. Life could be redeemed. But there's the expense to get there, and with no guarantees...

The thought of what's ahead is terrifying. I have honestly never been more afraid in my life. The emotional, physical, mental, and financial costs will be huge. The intensity of taking this step is enormous. She said in-vitro is our best chance to conceive. This is her recommendation and what she would do if it were her. She's the expert on this too. However, this is our ace card. The best card in your hand that you save until you have to use it. But the only way to know if it's your winning card, is to play it.