Not Where I Thought I'd Be

At no point during the past 16 months have I been where I thought I'd be. I never imagined having to fight so hard to fulfill a dream. I never thought infertility and I would know each other so well. I never knew how badly I wanted a baby.
Isn't it funny how most days come and go, and you never remember them at all? Then there are other days/weeks/events that are completely engraved in your memory? This time last year, I was waiting on my period. We had found out about the PCOS, and I had taken Provera to induce a new cycle. Between the horrible news and the first round of messing with my hormones, I was an emotional disaster. To make matters worse, I couldn't seem to start my period even with the Provera. I waited and waited and waited.
Here I am one year later, and I'm doing the exact same thing: waiting on my period. This is not where I thought I'd be. I'll admit that last year I couldn't even (and was afraid to) imagine my life one year later, but had I imagined, this is not where I thought I'd be. We are 16 months into this journey, and only God knows how many months stand before us. Once again, I'm afraid to even imagine.
This week's been rough. I know I've stayed silent on this blog for almost a month, but things seemed to be going so well that I was afraid to put words to it. I was afraid that if I told anyone how well my cycle was proceeding or how hopeful I felt or how I really thought I was pregnant this time, then somehow that would mess it all up. The beginning of this cycle was really smooth: I was cleared to use the shots, the medicines were delivered to the house without any complications, my response was beautiful (I had 3 big, healthy looking follicles), and our IUI went great. I felt like I was holding my breath for the next two weeks. My boobs were sore, and my uterus was tender. I dreamed about being pregnant and holding a baby, and I would even find myself praying for this child I believed was in me when I would wake up during the night. In my heart, I believed we had finally gotten to the place where we have so desperately longed to be.
Then Monday came. We went to the doctor for my blood test. The nurse called earlier than normal and left me a message. I was excited because I thought she was calling me first out of the other girls who had been tested that day because my test was positive (I don't know how I come up with this stuff). As I listened to the message, I couldn't believe what I was told. The test was negative. I listened again because I was certain I had heard wrong. But I hadn't. The baby I had prayed for and fallen in love with didn't exist. The baby that would have been due on my birthday was just another broken dream.
And so here I am, not where I ever thought I would be, exactly where I was one year ago today.