If You Want Me To

This song touched my heart today in church, and I wanted to share it. Despite whatever struggle you have in your life, I think everyone can find themselves somewhere in these lyrics.

The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

No I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When You lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the darkness
If You want me to

When I cross over Jordan, I'm gonna sing, gonna shout
Gonna look into your eyes and see you never let me down
So take me on the pathway that leads me home to you
And I will walk through the valley if you want me to

Yes, I will walk through the valley if you want me to

-Lyrics by Ginny Owens

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

Thanksgiving

I saw a great idea a couple months ago for Thanksgiving. It's a "Thankful Jar," and each year, you're supposed to write down something that you're thankful for and put it in the jar. It would be so neat to see how your list changes from year to year and to one day be able to look back on a life full of so many blessings.

We can have a life overflowing with goodness, but as soon as one bad thing comes along, we (I) tend to focus on that. I have a wonderful life. That's all there is to it. However, in the past year, I have felt completely hopeless and disheartened at times. My heart has been flooded by my own tears, and I have felt myself drowning in sorrow all because of one bad thing. Now it is one horrible, gut-wrenching, wouldn't-wish-on-my-worst-enemy thing, but it is only one thing. My quality of my life can and should be defined by so much more than infertility. Since I do have this one bad thing that takes up so much time and emotion, I decided that this would be the perfect year to start a "Thankful Jar." With a life full of so many wonderful blessings, I think now is a good time to be reflective and give thanks for those things.

I wanted my list to have three of the good and wonderful things that I have especially valued this year on it. I think each year's list should be reflective of that year. With that said, here is my list for 2009...

1. I am thankful for a husband who is patient and positive and supportive. The love that man gives me blows my mind every day. He patiently loves me day in and day out, through crazy hormones and tearful ends to cycles. He stands strong for me and encourages me through days when I feel like I've been completely broken. I love his quiet perseverance and endless devotion to what he loves and believes in. God blessed me richly by making me his wife.

2. I am thankful for God's protection during these tough economic times. Karl and I both have great jobs to go to every day that enable us to have a roof over our head, food on our table, and clothes on our back (all in great abundance). The thought of how many people who have lost their jobs and homes this year is truly heartbreaking. People's spirits and dreams have been broken. Lives haves been permanently changed in sad ways. God blessed us though. Although there are days when I question my own sanity for being a kindergarten teacher, the truth is I get to work in a beautiful school every day with precious children who I am hopefully impacting for the better.

3. I am thankful for my doctor and all she is doing to help me become a mommy. She has brought me a long way this year. Heck, let's not forget that she grew my uterus over an inch this year! Although I'm not yet pregnant, she did get me ovulating, and that was a big step for me! She is knowledgeable, determined, and caring. She sees the pain in our hearts, and she cares about it. Month by month, she prays with us and devises plans unique to our case. She is a good doctor, and I am thankful to be her patient.

Happy Thanksgiving!

The Big Step

I know I've said that the months we have spent trying to conceive our baby have been the longest and hardest of my life. We have been trying for 16 months, and I've been on medication for 13 months. However, after today's meeting with the doctor, I was left going, "Wait, it hasn't been that long!" Dr. H. says it's time to move on to in-vitro. She said I've fought hard, and I've made it past where a lot of women do. I wanted to tell her that I have so much more fight in me. She also said she knows it's hard to imagine now, but there will come a day when this is behind us, and when we have that first baby, this will only be a distant memory. I can't explain the emotion that came over me at that moment. Is it possible that this will ever be a distant memory? Or have the wounds been re-opened so many times that they will never heal? We have spent day after day, and month after month, grieving. Each failed cycle brings on a new wave of grief. That wound in my heart has been pierced again and again, and I just can't imagine not living with this ache. It feels like it is a part of me now. My life has adjusted to going on around it. When she said that this will one day be behind us, I felt this huge sense of relief. It was like being told your most valued possession that had been broken beyond repair in your eyes could in fact be fixed. Life could be redeemed. But there's the expense to get there, and with no guarantees...

The thought of what's ahead is terrifying. I have honestly never been more afraid in my life. The emotional, physical, mental, and financial costs will be huge. The intensity of taking this step is enormous. She said in-vitro is our best chance to conceive. This is her recommendation and what she would do if it were her. She's the expert on this too. However, this is our ace card. The best card in your hand that you save until you have to use it. But the only way to know if it's your winning card, is to play it.