March 26, 2009

There are certain days/times throughout this little journey that are harder than others.  The day I found out the Clomid didn't work the first time was heartbreaking.  The many days that I've gotten negative readings from ovulation predictor tests and pregnancy tests are bitterly sad.  Reaching the 6 month mark and still not being pregnant made for a long series of depressing days (tallying up to be the whole month). 

And today has been a day that has lurked in my mind since last June.  Within a couple of days of getting off birth control, I started a new cycle-our first cycle to try to conceive.  I was so excited when I got off the pill that I took a picture of my empty birth control pack!  I just knew everything would work right and I would be pregnant within a month.  When I started that "special" cycle, I got on the internet, went to a pregnancy website that had a due date calculator, typed in my information (when I started, how long my cycle was, etc.), and up popped a date for when my first born child would be due: March 26, 2009.  Today.  

I had once hoped that on this day, I would either be very close to delivering a healthy baby or would be holding my sweet angel in my arms.  As the months have gone by, I have changed that hope to just wanting to at least be pregnant by today.  Now, as I sit here, not a mommy, not pregnant, and actually on medication to make sure I don't get pregnant for the next couple of months, I have once again revised my hope and prayer: Please, God, just let me know the joys of pregnancy and motherhood.  Please give me a due date to anxiously anticipate and my child's birthday to joyfully celebrate.  Amen.