The Polar Express

One of my favorite movies is The Polar Express. Although it is a cartoon and a Christmas movie, I watch it throughout the year and love it more each time I see it. It is a great movie, and oddly enough, the theme (struggling while wanting to believe in something) goes along with my own feelings I've had throughout this infertility experience.

Here is a quote from the movie that I find quite interesting in comparison to my personal struggles with faith:

Hobo: What exactly is... is your persuasion on the Big Man (Santa for the boy, God for me), since you brought him up?
The Boy: Well, I... I want to believe... but... (I know that but...)
Hobo: But you don't want to be bamboozled. You don't want to be led down the primrose path! You don't want to be conned or duped. Have the wool pulled over your eyes. Hoodwinked! You don't want to be taken for a ride. Railroaded! 
Hobo: Seeing is believing. Am I right?

Then it gets better. Towards the end of the movie, the conductor says something along the lines of "After all, seeing is believing, or is it? Sometimes the most real things in this world are things we cannot see." So true! I love that line! That is faith.  God is the most real thing in this world, and I don't have to see Him (although, I guess I do see him in the beauty of the world) to believe He exists.

My favorite character is Billy. Christmas has never really worked out for him. He is the last passenger who boards the Polar Express, and he is very hesitant to do so. In his mind, what's the point? Once at the North Pole, 3 of the children, including Billy, stumble upon one last gift that needs to go in Santa's sleigh. The gift is for Billy. Billy is so excited that he refuses to let go of the gift and is loaded into Santa's bag with the other gifts. The elves pull him out, and you see the fear in his eyes. He knows Santa is real now, and he is so close to Christmas working out for him. If he lets go of this gift, will he still receive it? Will it make it's way under his tree? Or will he be disappointed because Christmas doesn't work out for him, again?

Of course, when he gets home, the gift is sitting under his tree.

I know how Billy feels. God has given me the gift of being a woman and the desire to be a mother. Now, I'm at the "right" age and the "right" time in my marriage to have a baby and the desire is stronger than ever.  However, getting pregnant and being a mother hasn't exactly worked out for me so far.  If I give God control of this desire and put my trust in Him, if I let go as Billy did, will I still receive the gift of motherhood? Will a baby makes it's way into my womb? Here I am, holding on to that gift having to decide do I hang on out of fear or do I let go because of faith?

I'm going to trust that when it's my time to step off this train, my gift will be waiting for me too.  God always comes through for those who truly believe.  

I believe.