Letting Go

I said a few days ago that I feel we (women dealing with infertility) go through the stages of grief in our struggles for a baby. I never would have believed that it is possible to grieve for something you never had or to miss someone you never knew, but through this experience, I now know otherwise. I miss my child, a child I do not know or have yet to conceive, so much sometimes that my heart actually hurts. A key verse from the Bible for me is "A hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a hope fulfilled is a tree of life." (Proverbs 13:12) I love that verse because never have words been so true and applicable in my life. I am grieving because what I so desperately long for and so greatly love is not with me, and there is nothing I can do to fix this. Or is there? I could give this to God and trust him, the way we as Christians are supposed to. I could let God do His wonderful, beautiful, miraculous work in my life.

Why is trusting God so hard for me? There has never been anything I have wanted more than to have babies and be a mom. It is so important to me and something I desire with all my heart. I am afraid to truly turn this problem over to God because I'm afraid if I let it go, it might not happen. I like to think that I've been clinging to hope through this, but truthfully, I've been clinging to fear. If I'm going to be hopeful, though, then I have to let God handle this problem for me. It's time to turn it over.

I'm beginning to think I'm getting a little closer to finally accepting this issue in my life. For starters, the uncontrollable crying and being on the verge of a panic attack when I hear someone talk about anything pregnancy-related has calmed down considerably in the past month. For awhile, I would find myself crying sometimes and not even know I was crying until tears fell on whatever I was doing. But also, I'm beginning to feel okay. Not great, but okay. Life seems livable and not so painful again.

Although I know that I will still have bad days through this, I'm ready to take on the good days. Good things are ahead for us. God will see to that.