My Happy Pills

I cannot believe I'm about to say this, and I really cannot believe it's how I actually feel, but I am enjoying taking the estrogen.  Each medicine I've taken since October has greatly affected my hormones.  As I've said, I have PCOS, which means my hormones are out of whack (among other things).  When I take the different medicines, my hormones become even crazier.  However, I'm reacting very well to the estrogen.  I now refer to them as my "happy pills."  The way I feel now is the closest I've felt to myself since before this started.  I don't know if this is the result of an acceptance to our situation, God's intervention, the estrogen, or a combination of all of those (which is most likely).  I'm very thankful for this reaction though.  

The depression that sank in after my diagnosis through mid-January made each day feel like an eternity.  I actually would count down the hours until I could get in bed each day.  Getting out of bed each morning was painful.  Facing the day ahead was almost unbearable.  I told Karl one day that I felt like I was dancing on the edge of depression every day, and I really was.  My vision of myself during that time was me balancing on a tightrope high above a body of water.  It was all I could do to not fall off, but truthfully, many days I did.  I would get to work early so that I could have a good cry before the kids got there because I knew I couldn't hold it together all day.  There were also many afternoons that I would cry in the closet of my classroom after the kids left because I just couldn't hold it in any longer.  Karl saw many of my tears and breakdowns, but there were so many more that he never knew about.  I was a mess.  

It's better now, and for whatever reason that may be, I am grateful.  It's nice to feel like me again.  I know there are so many people praying on our behalf, and for each prayer, I am humbled and filled with gratitude.  Several people have said they are praying for a peace for us as we walk this path, and I believe those prayers are being heard and answered.  I feel filled with a peace right now that can only be attributed to God's hand on us.  For the first time in a long time, I really feel everything is going to be okay.