Not Alone

I have said it, and every other girl I know who has suffered or is suffering from infertility has said it: You just feel so alone. When this first started, I felt that this was not only the hardest thing I had ever gone through, but it was the loneliest. How could anyone understand how I felt? Everyone I know who has children conceived them with little effort or without meaning to. They certainly wouldn't understand what I was going through. My sweet husband couldn't understand the emotional heartache and guilt I felt over not being able to give him a child in our time schedule. I just felt all alone. However, I have learned that is not true. There are so many women going through infertility struggles of their own, and they understand every tear, every bad day, every fear, every disappointment.

God blessed me with two women in particular last year (two moms in my class) who had endured what I was going through, and they each had healthy children of their own. Oddly enough, both of them used the same RE, who is the same one I started seeing in January (6 months into our efforts to conceive). Coincidences like that don't just happen. That's a God thing. God brought these women into my life, and God led me to this particular RE. She is incredible, and I trust her completely. I know she's going to take good care of us through this. That same year, God brought me a friend-a new teacher at my school, and she has PCOS. She was the first person I had heard of having that. She's not to the point of trying to have a baby, but she was a great person to have in my life to help explain this issue to me. God wasn't done though, he brought me another person who has gone through these struggles and is currently pregnant. It is so comforting to know people who have walked this journey, and it is even more comforting to know women who are now mothers after walking this journey.

If anyone who is going through infertility issues happens to stumble across my blog, I pray that you'll find comfort in knowing you are not alone.

Denial

I know that posting my thoughts will help me get through this dark and sad time in my life. I know that when I write about how I feel, I feel better. It's just been hard lately to write anything because I can't find the words that express my feelings. Are there even words that adequately describe a broken heart? I'm mad, scared, sad, disappointed, but yet I'm thankful that we did find this new problem now and can possibly prevent an even bigger problem-a premature baby. There are moments when I can't believe that fertility issues have become my life. It's almost as if it is so painful that it doesn't seem possible it's actually happening to me. My dad has commented several times now that I don't call as much as I used to. I know he's right. It's just that I have one thing on my mind, and I know that's not something he wants to hear about. However, on Sunday when he mentioned it again, he was relaying a message from my grandmother. She's hurt that I don't call as much too. That made me feel awful! I've been pretty private about all of this (I know that sounds crazy when I'm posting all my information on this blog), and I haven't told my grandmother and extended family about it. I just don't feel comfortable telling them. I don't want to answer their questions and see concern on their faces even though they would only be asking questions or looking concerned because they care; I just don't want to admit that this obstacle is my obstacle. It's easier to be in denial when you don't have to deal with it. But yet it haunts me every moment of every day.

A wonderful girl that has been where I am and has helped me tremendously with getting through this told me that she believes we go through the stages of grief in our struggle for a baby. I couldn't agree more. I find that I skip from one stage to another and back in the same day. I don't stay at one stage for long. I know the final stage is acceptance, and sometimes I think I'm there; however, I think when you are truly there, you don't skip to the other stages anymore. I am trying though. I am trying to be positive and get through this in the best way I can.

Today one of my students wrote me a note during nap time. It said, "I think my teacher should have a baby." Then on the next page she wrote, "This is what the babies would look like." She had drawn twins-a boy and a girl. Obviously she does not that I've been trying to get pregnant all year, but her innocence and love for me warmed my soul. Only a five year old can be so intuitive, yet naive. If only she knew!

So close, yet so far away

It was a wild week. I had my HSG (dye test) on Wednesday, and I truly did not expect the doctor to find anything wrong. Unfortunately, we do have a new problem we have to address. During the HSG, she noticed that my uterus is smaller than normal, so she had us come back on Thursday for an SIS. The SIS helped her get a better look at my uterus to see if there was anything causing it to be small. A small uterus like mine greatly increases your chances for a premature baby. If I got pregnant now, I would be with a high-risk specialist throughout the entire pregnancy and would most likely be on bedrest majority of the pregnancy. She recommended that we try to grow it by me taking large doses of estrogen for 60 days.
During the SIS, they looked at my ovaries, and I had big, healthy, beautiful follicles. I responded great to the 200mg of Clomid! It breaks my heart that we can't use any of these follicles because we now have a new problem. We finally get to a point where I'll ovulate, and we don't get to try to conceive. The doctor wanted me to continue tracking this cycle and start the estrogen when I start my next cycle. Then I'll take the estrogen for a minimum of 60 days and a maximum of 90 days. Hopefully after 60 days my uterus will be bigger, and I'll take Provera for 10 days to induce a new cycle and should start about 10 days after my last dose of Provera. It will be the end of May before we get to a cycle where we can try again. That's 3 1/2 months away.
On Saturday night, the ovulation predictor test showed that I was beginning to surge, so yesterday we went to the doctor's office for blood work, an ultrasound, and an HCG shot to trigger full ovulation. The ultrasound showed that I have 11 follicles on my right side and 14 on my left side, and 3 were ready for ovulation (1.77 cm, 1.6 cm, and 2.1 cm). My blood work came back really good too. We left with our newest assignment: Don't get pregnant per doctor's orders.
It has now been 24 hours since the HCG shot, so I know I am either ovulating or a few hours away from ovulating. I should be trying to get pregnant, but I'm trying to get through this nightmare instead. I just pray that these next few months go by quickly and that my uterus does grow in response to the estrogen.

Dizzy, Dizzy, Dizzy

200mg Clomid per day=A LOT of dizziness!
Today is day 2 of the Clomid, and I am so dizzy and light headed that I feel like I'm going to be sick. This feeling reminds me of when I would play on the tire swing when I was little. I would wind the tire swing up as tight as I could and then let it spin. Afterwards, I couldn't even walk because I was so dizzy! Once I could walk, I felt awful! This feeling is very similar to that one.
However, if I'm dizzy and having other side effects, then that means my body is reacting to the Clomid. I just pray that means my ovaries will react as well!

Round 3

After much distress earlier in the week, I finally began a new cycle on Tuesday! I was "full flow" like the nurse had said I would need to be to consider this the start of a new cycle, and I was overjoyed. A new cycle means a new chance to try again, and when you so greatly want a baby, each chance to try and get there is fulfilling. It gives my heart joy and hope, two wonderful feelings.
I went to the doctor on Wednesday for my Day 2 blood work. One of the many positive things about being with an RE instead of my regular doctor is that they understand how hard any wait is, and they do all they can to eliminate any unnecessary waiting. I was able to call my voicemail I have through their office within a few hours to get my results. I didn't really know what to expect because I wasn't even sure what they were testing. However, I got a good report; my first good report since this ordeal began back in September. My FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) was 7.0, and the nurse said they like for it to be under 12.5. My estradiol was 38.5, and they like for that to be under 100. My baseline hormones look good!
Today is Day 5, which is Day 1 of Clomid. Even though this medicine makes me feel like I am truly losing my mind, I still get so excited when I take it. If it makes me ovulate, I'll joyfully deal with every imaginable side effect! (Karl doesn't exactly feel that way. He seems to think the mood swings are out of control and often looks afraid when he enters a room I'm in because he doesn't know which Allison he's going to find. :)) I'm taking 200mg of Clomid per day through Wednesday (days 5-9). They typically increase Clomid dosages by 50mg each time, but I am skipping the 150mg and going straight for the maximum dosage! It's funny because on my first round of Clomid, I only took 50mg per day (250mg total), so today alone, I took almost as much as I did in the first round. Hopefully the 3rd time will be a charm!

The Waiting Game

Karl says one of the reasons we're going through this is because God is trying to teach me patience. I don't necessarily agree; I think God has other purposes, but I see his point. Everyone I have talked to who has gone through infertility says that the waiting is the hardest. For me, the disappointment is the hardest, but the waiting is a close second. I wait to start a new cycle; I wait until my day 21 progesterone check; I wait for the results; I wait for the next cycle, which as a pcos woman, is a long time.
I've been waiting for my next cycle to start since I found out in mid-January that I didn't respond to the Clomid again, and I thought it was finally here. I know that sounds crazy...I should know whether or not what's supposed to happen to signal a new cycle has happened, but this was complicated. I was "spotting," and I was hoping that meant I had started. However, after talking to the nurse this afternoon, I was told that a lot of people spot after taking Prometrium (a medicine I took for 10 days to bring on a new cycle) but that my actual period will probably not come until about 10-14 days after the last dose. The last dose was Saturday night.
I've been working on having a more positive attitude about all this, but days like today, when I feel completely defeated and disappointed, make it so hard. I keep telling myself, "What's 10-14 more days at this point?" The truth is that it feels too long when you're already dealing with a broken heart. It's 10-14 more days of waiting and feeling 100% helpless and stuck. Karl thinks God's trying to teach me patience, but I think He's trying to teach me trust. I am helpless right now. I have to be dependent on Him and have faith that He'll get us through this. God is our only way to parenthood, and there's nothing I can do that will get us to that point any sooner. I just have to trust that God knows the desire of our hearts and will fulfill that one thing I want more than anything.
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer.
Romans 12:12

Today

Today the weather was beautiful-the sky was blue with scattered puffy clouds, there was a nice breeze, and the temperature was warm; it was really beautiful. As my little kindergarteners played at recess, I sat there and just soaked in the sun on my face and the sound of the kids as they played. My favorite sound in the world is children's laughter, and I was surrounded by it this afternoon. Tomorrow it's back to typical January weather-cold, rainy, yucky.
Since we started down this valley in our life, I have felt emotions at an intensity I never imagined possible. I have felt disappointment to the point of heartbreak, bitter sadness, and an anger that I'm ashamed to acknowledge. I have physically ached from the emotional pain the infertility has caused. I've also felt one positive emotion at just as great an extreme-hope. Some days I feel like that one emotion carries me through the rest of the emotions. I am hopeful that God not only hears my prayers but will answer them; I'm hopeful that God will fill my womb with life.
Today was a beautiful day that looked and felt like spring, and it's the middle of winter. Today was a preview of what's to come in the next few months. Today was a day where God reminded me of how wonderful, beautiful, and joyful things can be after dreary days. Today was a day of hope for what is to come.