Denial

I know that posting my thoughts will help me get through this dark and sad time in my life. I know that when I write about how I feel, I feel better. It's just been hard lately to write anything because I can't find the words that express my feelings. Are there even words that adequately describe a broken heart? I'm mad, scared, sad, disappointed, but yet I'm thankful that we did find this new problem now and can possibly prevent an even bigger problem-a premature baby. There are moments when I can't believe that fertility issues have become my life. It's almost as if it is so painful that it doesn't seem possible it's actually happening to me. My dad has commented several times now that I don't call as much as I used to. I know he's right. It's just that I have one thing on my mind, and I know that's not something he wants to hear about. However, on Sunday when he mentioned it again, he was relaying a message from my grandmother. She's hurt that I don't call as much too. That made me feel awful! I've been pretty private about all of this (I know that sounds crazy when I'm posting all my information on this blog), and I haven't told my grandmother and extended family about it. I just don't feel comfortable telling them. I don't want to answer their questions and see concern on their faces even though they would only be asking questions or looking concerned because they care; I just don't want to admit that this obstacle is my obstacle. It's easier to be in denial when you don't have to deal with it. But yet it haunts me every moment of every day.

A wonderful girl that has been where I am and has helped me tremendously with getting through this told me that she believes we go through the stages of grief in our struggle for a baby. I couldn't agree more. I find that I skip from one stage to another and back in the same day. I don't stay at one stage for long. I know the final stage is acceptance, and sometimes I think I'm there; however, I think when you are truly there, you don't skip to the other stages anymore. I am trying though. I am trying to be positive and get through this in the best way I can.

Today one of my students wrote me a note during nap time. It said, "I think my teacher should have a baby." Then on the next page she wrote, "This is what the babies would look like." She had drawn twins-a boy and a girl. Obviously she does not that I've been trying to get pregnant all year, but her innocence and love for me warmed my soul. Only a five year old can be so intuitive, yet naive. If only she knew!