No IVF Yet

After Dr. H. talked to us about moving on to in-vitro, I was very upset. I felt I had failed once again. However, I knew I had a month to think about it, and I was sure at the end of that month I would have my conquering spirit back. I was wrong. Throughout the month, I sat down to read our folder of information many times, and each time I stopped because I was so upset over it. I prayed, and the uneasiness never went away. I became so frustrated over it that the mere thought of it made me cry. I want a baby, and I want one now (I'm obviously not blessed with large amounts of patience :)), but yet in-vitro just didn't feel right to me. I couldn't pin-point why, and that just added to the frustration. As my month started drawing to a close, I began to feel a little excited about doing it and like I was ready for battle again. I think I was trying to convince myself that this is what we needed to do. Then when I started my period Saturday morning, I had a big meltdown! My month was up. It was time to make a decision, but I didn't know what to do. In-vitro didn't feel right, but doing nothing at all didn't feel right either. Karl asked me if I would want to do another injections cycle, and I said I thought that was a great idea. We already had a meeting with Dr. H. scheduled for Tuesday to discuss the in-vitro, so we could discuss injections instead. I was so scared to talk to her though! Here she is, our doctor who we trust, and we are telling her that we don't like what she thinks is best for us and would rather to something she said is highly unlikely to be successful for us. When I told her that fear after we talked about doing injections again, she said she was anything but offended and hopes that we will always be true to our feelings and trust our instincts. She said if I'm not at peace with doing in-vitro, then we don't need to do it right now. She also talked to us about how we need to believe that God is using infertility to shape our hearts, and that as painful as this is, we will be better people because of it.

I can't say that I feel particularly great about this cycle (our chances are slim and the numbers for my blood work came back higher than they ever have before, which is a little concerning), but I'm trying to trust that each month is bringing us closer to our baby. If it doesn't work this time, we will still be one month closer to starting that precious life.

If You Want Me To

This song touched my heart today in church, and I wanted to share it. Despite whatever struggle you have in your life, I think everyone can find themselves somewhere in these lyrics.

The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

No I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When You lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the darkness
If You want me to

When I cross over Jordan, I'm gonna sing, gonna shout
Gonna look into your eyes and see you never let me down
So take me on the pathway that leads me home to you
And I will walk through the valley if you want me to

Yes, I will walk through the valley if you want me to

-Lyrics by Ginny Owens

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

Thanksgiving

I saw a great idea a couple months ago for Thanksgiving. It's a "Thankful Jar," and each year, you're supposed to write down something that you're thankful for and put it in the jar. It would be so neat to see how your list changes from year to year and to one day be able to look back on a life full of so many blessings.

We can have a life overflowing with goodness, but as soon as one bad thing comes along, we (I) tend to focus on that. I have a wonderful life. That's all there is to it. However, in the past year, I have felt completely hopeless and disheartened at times. My heart has been flooded by my own tears, and I have felt myself drowning in sorrow all because of one bad thing. Now it is one horrible, gut-wrenching, wouldn't-wish-on-my-worst-enemy thing, but it is only one thing. My quality of my life can and should be defined by so much more than infertility. Since I do have this one bad thing that takes up so much time and emotion, I decided that this would be the perfect year to start a "Thankful Jar." With a life full of so many wonderful blessings, I think now is a good time to be reflective and give thanks for those things.

I wanted my list to have three of the good and wonderful things that I have especially valued this year on it. I think each year's list should be reflective of that year. With that said, here is my list for 2009...

1. I am thankful for a husband who is patient and positive and supportive. The love that man gives me blows my mind every day. He patiently loves me day in and day out, through crazy hormones and tearful ends to cycles. He stands strong for me and encourages me through days when I feel like I've been completely broken. I love his quiet perseverance and endless devotion to what he loves and believes in. God blessed me richly by making me his wife.

2. I am thankful for God's protection during these tough economic times. Karl and I both have great jobs to go to every day that enable us to have a roof over our head, food on our table, and clothes on our back (all in great abundance). The thought of how many people who have lost their jobs and homes this year is truly heartbreaking. People's spirits and dreams have been broken. Lives haves been permanently changed in sad ways. God blessed us though. Although there are days when I question my own sanity for being a kindergarten teacher, the truth is I get to work in a beautiful school every day with precious children who I am hopefully impacting for the better.

3. I am thankful for my doctor and all she is doing to help me become a mommy. She has brought me a long way this year. Heck, let's not forget that she grew my uterus over an inch this year! Although I'm not yet pregnant, she did get me ovulating, and that was a big step for me! She is knowledgeable, determined, and caring. She sees the pain in our hearts, and she cares about it. Month by month, she prays with us and devises plans unique to our case. She is a good doctor, and I am thankful to be her patient.

Happy Thanksgiving!

The Big Step

I know I've said that the months we have spent trying to conceive our baby have been the longest and hardest of my life. We have been trying for 16 months, and I've been on medication for 13 months. However, after today's meeting with the doctor, I was left going, "Wait, it hasn't been that long!" Dr. H. says it's time to move on to in-vitro. She said I've fought hard, and I've made it past where a lot of women do. I wanted to tell her that I have so much more fight in me. She also said she knows it's hard to imagine now, but there will come a day when this is behind us, and when we have that first baby, this will only be a distant memory. I can't explain the emotion that came over me at that moment. Is it possible that this will ever be a distant memory? Or have the wounds been re-opened so many times that they will never heal? We have spent day after day, and month after month, grieving. Each failed cycle brings on a new wave of grief. That wound in my heart has been pierced again and again, and I just can't imagine not living with this ache. It feels like it is a part of me now. My life has adjusted to going on around it. When she said that this will one day be behind us, I felt this huge sense of relief. It was like being told your most valued possession that had been broken beyond repair in your eyes could in fact be fixed. Life could be redeemed. But there's the expense to get there, and with no guarantees...

The thought of what's ahead is terrifying. I have honestly never been more afraid in my life. The emotional, physical, mental, and financial costs will be huge. The intensity of taking this step is enormous. She said in-vitro is our best chance to conceive. This is her recommendation and what she would do if it were her. She's the expert on this too. However, this is our ace card. The best card in your hand that you save until you have to use it. But the only way to know if it's your winning card, is to play it.

Not Where I Thought I'd Be

At no point during the past 16 months have I been where I thought I'd be. I never imagined having to fight so hard to fulfill a dream. I never thought infertility and I would know each other so well. I never knew how badly I wanted a baby.
Isn't it funny how most days come and go, and you never remember them at all? Then there are other days/weeks/events that are completely engraved in your memory? This time last year, I was waiting on my period. We had found out about the PCOS, and I had taken Provera to induce a new cycle. Between the horrible news and the first round of messing with my hormones, I was an emotional disaster. To make matters worse, I couldn't seem to start my period even with the Provera. I waited and waited and waited.
Here I am one year later, and I'm doing the exact same thing: waiting on my period. This is not where I thought I'd be. I'll admit that last year I couldn't even (and was afraid to) imagine my life one year later, but had I imagined, this is not where I thought I'd be. We are 16 months into this journey, and only God knows how many months stand before us. Once again, I'm afraid to even imagine.
This week's been rough. I know I've stayed silent on this blog for almost a month, but things seemed to be going so well that I was afraid to put words to it. I was afraid that if I told anyone how well my cycle was proceeding or how hopeful I felt or how I really thought I was pregnant this time, then somehow that would mess it all up. The beginning of this cycle was really smooth: I was cleared to use the shots, the medicines were delivered to the house without any complications, my response was beautiful (I had 3 big, healthy looking follicles), and our IUI went great. I felt like I was holding my breath for the next two weeks. My boobs were sore, and my uterus was tender. I dreamed about being pregnant and holding a baby, and I would even find myself praying for this child I believed was in me when I would wake up during the night. In my heart, I believed we had finally gotten to the place where we have so desperately longed to be.
Then Monday came. We went to the doctor for my blood test. The nurse called earlier than normal and left me a message. I was excited because I thought she was calling me first out of the other girls who had been tested that day because my test was positive (I don't know how I come up with this stuff). As I listened to the message, I couldn't believe what I was told. The test was negative. I listened again because I was certain I had heard wrong. But I hadn't. The baby I had prayed for and fallen in love with didn't exist. The baby that would have been due on my birthday was just another broken dream.
And so here I am, not where I ever thought I would be, exactly where I was one year ago today.

The Next Plan

After meeting with the doctor today, we have our new plan. It's not that different from the old one (I'm a little frustrated by that, but since she is the one with the medical degree, I'm trying to trust her). I will not be taking any pills this cycle...no Femara or Clomid...and doing just injections. That's how it's different. The way that it's the same is that she didn't increase my shot dosage. She said my response at 75 iu's has been good, and she doesn't want me to grow more than 3 follicles. If I have 3 or more maturing follicles, she will cancel the cycle because of the risk of multiples. My feeling is that since I haven't gotten pregnant yet, then I need more medicine! However, since I'm not taking any pills, I will be doing the shots longer, so hopefully my response will be stronger this time. One of the reasons she took the pills out of the plan is because my lining is not getting thick enough, which might be a side effect from them. I had the courage to ask her if there was any reason she had to believe that this would never work for us. She said she isn't concerned and this is all just about finding the right thing that makes all this click. You know, it's hard to not feel like a big puzzle being put together when you're a patient at a fertility clinic.

Acceptance

On October 3, 2008, my life changed in one single phone call. The perfect little plan I had for my life was lost, my world was turned upside down, and I knew it was going to be a long way down before I went back up. A friend told me last winter that she believes we (infertility girls) go through the stages of grief in our quest for a baby. She put words to my emotions. I was grieving. Immediately I prayed for acceptance. I even fooled myself into believing I had accepted this months and months before I actually did. You see, I thought when you reached that stage, everything would be better. Life would be normal again. I was wrong. Acceptance means learning to live with the source of your grief. Your life does become "normal;" it's just not the normal you knew before. Today's normal involves weekly doctor's appointments, a dining room table lined with fertility medicines, infertility and pregnancy books by the bathtub for nightly reading, alarms set for taking medicines, avoiding certain parts of Wal-Mart, and lots and lots of praying. The very things that once brought tears to my eyes have become part of my daily routine. And it is okay. My life is different now. My heart is different now. I thank God for that. God has used infertility to shape my heart. As hard as it is to admit, infertility has brought good to my life. Regardless of how this turns out, my life will always be changed because of it. Although I still do grieve the end of each failed cycle and each life that never was, I don't grieve the journey anymore. Where my heart and soul had been pierced last year, there's a peace now. Maybe that's what acceptance is all about: finding peace.

Last night as I read from Calm My Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow, I found her words particularly meaningful:

"...contentment is a yielding to our Great, Almighty, Holy King...He is the Blessed Controller of our circumstances, gifts, abilities, possessions, roles, and relationships...We accept what He has allowed in the past. We accept what He has allowed today. And we give all our tomorrows to Him. A humility grows within us that He is the loving controller of all things...The soul worship of God is to be content with what He gives, to be thankful in all things."