4 More Days

In 4 days, we have our doctor's appointment where they will measure my uterus again.  In 4 days, I will know if all this estrogen has done anything in my body.  In 4 days, I will be one game plan closer to conceiving my baby!  I have been a bundle of nerves for the past 2 weeks over this appointment.  Can you imagine how fun I'll be these next few days?! :)  Poor Karl!

I emailed a wonderful friend of mine a few days ago because I was quickly becoming a nervous wreck, and she always does a great job of calming me down.  She said I have 3 things to be thankful for right now.

1.  I have a doctor who has a goal for a healthy baby.

2.  I have gained so much new knowledge about my body in the past year.  This time last year, I didn't know I had any problems, had no idea what those problems even were, and had no plan to figure out the best solution.

3.  I am many steps closer to getting the baby I've been praying for.

I don't know why, but last night it hit me: less than 3 weeks until my doctor's appointment.  While I should be excited about that visit because we might get our go-ahead to "get back in the game," I found myself crying.  Not sobbing, not even a constant stream of tears, just the occasional one that became too heavy to rest beneath the surface.  I cried for what we've been through these past 10 months, and I cried for what's ahead.  They were sad tears intermingled with happy tears.  

Although there were many memories that I thought about last night, there was one in particular that came to mind: the night that followed my SIS when our doctor advised us to take a break and try to grow my uterus, thus beginning what I refer to as the "100 Day Wait."  I was so distraught that there was a new problem when my original problem was finally getting better.  In fact, I was still distraught over having an original problem at all.  I was angry and fearful and sad.  I had just finished the Clomid the day before and was still a little dizzy and queasy from it, and I was taking antibiotics to prevent an infection from the HSG and SIS.  Well, I didn't feel like eating dinner that night.  However, I did take the antibiotic.  Within 30 minutes, I was sick as a dog.  As I hung my head over the toilet, I cried uncontrollably.  Everything hurt and ached, but it was my heart that hurt the most.  What was so wrong with me that God didn't want me to have a child?  There are mothers out there who murder their children and sell them in exchange for drugs and abuse them and leave them in garbage cans to die.  Why did God give them children when they didn't desire them or care for them?  Why me?  I will make a good mother.  I will love my children and protect them and take care of them.  I will do anything for their benefit, but yet God chose to make me infertile.  Why?

I think at some point we all struggle with similar questions as these.  I know God has a reason, but it is still hard when you're in the midst of that suffering.  I had said that I wanted to start this blog for different reasons, but one of those reasons was so that I would not forget what we went through.  That is one night I don't want to forget.  It was one of the worst nights I've been through in this journey.  Emotionally, physically, mentally, I was at a very low point.  However, the next morning, I got up, went to work (can't say I didn't cry many times that day), and made it through the day.  I've made it through almost two months since that night, and I will continue to make it through the days ahead because God is with me and provides me with the strength to "make it."

How amazing is that love that God has for each of us?  How beautiful is that constant presence in our lives?  What a relief to know that in each step and each moment, He is there with me! He was there that night, and He will be there the moment our child is born. 

And it was that peace that swept over me again last night that caused the happy tears.

Moving Right Along

We are either halfway or 1/3 of the way done with the estrogen!  According to my RE (reproductive endocrinologist-that's such a mouthful!), I will take the estrogen for 60 days, get measured, and take it for 30 more days if needed (I am hoping and praying I won't need that extra dose).  I finally called the nurse this week to ask my list of questions because I've been too embarrassed to ask up until now.  Luckily, all her answers were positive and reassuring.  One of my questions was about this discomfort/pinching/needle poking feeling in my uterus every afternoon.  I asked if that could be growing pains, and she said it definitely could be!  If these are growing pains, then they are one of the best pains I've ever had!  

One more thing

I have one more tip (for now at least)...
If you get pregnant very easily, you can leave that detail out when telling your friend who is having a hard time getting pregnant. The following are not good things to say:
1. "We weren't even trying!" (If you are not "preventing," then you are "trying.")
2. "I don't know how this happened!" (Ugh!)
3. "There must be something in the water!" (I wish there was!)
4. "I think my husband just looked at me and got me pregnant!" (Oh how I wish it was that easy!)

How to Deal With Friends-With-Fertility-Issues

There are some things in life you hope to never experience. You don't want to understand the pain, fear, or personal changes that result from those dreaded experiences. You never hear anyone say they want to have cancer or they want to lose their job and suffer financial destruction or they want to get in a car accident and be paralyzed. We feel tremendous sorrow for anyone who goes through those nightmares, but deep down inside we just pray we never know what it's like to be them.
For me, infertility was one of those things I hoped I never would experience. In fact, I feared it so much that I prayed for years for an easy conception and a healthy baby. I'm embarrassed to say this, but one of the reasons Karl and I "waited" (you know what I mean) is because I thought God would reward that by not only giving us children, but by letting us conceive them easily. We all know that's not how God works though. Just wishful thinking on my part...
As hard as I try to express my feelings about our infertility experience, I just can't find the words to completely describe the heartache and darkness that fills your life because of it. That only adds to the frustration because even you can't define your feelings. They're too deep and painful to fully comprehend, and if you don't understand them, how can anyone else?
I don't think I'm alone in my fear of infertility. I think it's a fear that resides in most women's hearts. However, I have been amazed at how insensitive some people are about it. Here are some tips on dealing with your friends who are suffering through infertility...
Tip #1: Never say, "If you wouldn't think about it so much, it will just happen." This comment stings because an infertile woman normally has a lot of self blame about her problems, and that just adds to the feeling of "Can't I do anything right?!"
Tip #2: Don't be afraid to talk to your friend about her issues. It feels so good to confide in people, even if they don't know what it's like to go through this.
Tip #3: Don't say, "I know it will work out for you." Truthfully, you don't know it will happen.
Tip #4: Be honest with your friend if you are trying to conceive. Don't hide this from her, especially if she asks you about it. I understand wanting your pregnancy to be a surprise, but don't put your friend in that situation. Although she will be very happy for you, it still hurts her. She might need a little time to let those good feelings rise to the top. Give her that time. Be sensitive to what she's going through.
Infertility is a hard path to walk. 

March 26, 2009

There are certain days/times throughout this little journey that are harder than others.  The day I found out the Clomid didn't work the first time was heartbreaking.  The many days that I've gotten negative readings from ovulation predictor tests and pregnancy tests are bitterly sad.  Reaching the 6 month mark and still not being pregnant made for a long series of depressing days (tallying up to be the whole month). 

And today has been a day that has lurked in my mind since last June.  Within a couple of days of getting off birth control, I started a new cycle-our first cycle to try to conceive.  I was so excited when I got off the pill that I took a picture of my empty birth control pack!  I just knew everything would work right and I would be pregnant within a month.  When I started that "special" cycle, I got on the internet, went to a pregnancy website that had a due date calculator, typed in my information (when I started, how long my cycle was, etc.), and up popped a date for when my first born child would be due: March 26, 2009.  Today.  

I had once hoped that on this day, I would either be very close to delivering a healthy baby or would be holding my sweet angel in my arms.  As the months have gone by, I have changed that hope to just wanting to at least be pregnant by today.  Now, as I sit here, not a mommy, not pregnant, and actually on medication to make sure I don't get pregnant for the next couple of months, I have once again revised my hope and prayer: Please, God, just let me know the joys of pregnancy and motherhood.  Please give me a due date to anxiously anticipate and my child's birthday to joyfully celebrate.  Amen.

Growing Pains?

Odd cramping has become a regular part of my life since I started taking all these different medicines. For the most part, I just think, "Oh, I'm cramping, again" and move on with my day, rarely even giving it another thought. The past two days I've had a dull cramp in my lower stomach, right around where my uterus is. Could it be growing pains? I'm praying that's exactly what it is. I am praying this little uterus is growing a good inch before the end of April!

On another note, we've been married for almost 3 years. I truly cannot believe it. Our first year of marriage was dream-like. It was blissfully happy and filled with laughter and romance. Our second year was equally as wonderful. The pressure of making everything extra special because it was our "first" (first Thanksgiving, first Christmas, first mortgage payment, etc.) was gone, so it was a little more relaxed. We weren't used to that kind of relaxation, so we (I) decided to mix things up by adding a new member to our family-Sadie. She added a lot of excitement to our home! A few months after our second anniversary, we decided that we should work on adding one more member to our family. Well, as you know, that hasn't worked out just as we planned. Here we are, about to celebrate our 3rd anniversary and embark on our 4th year of marriage, and we're still working on that little project. This year of marriage has been different from the others. It's been filled with a lot of anxiety, fear, and tears as we've been introduced to the hardships of infertility. Maybe this is a growing pain our marriage just has to endure. Growing pains are rarely pleasant and tend to stretch you in ways that are uncomfortable, but they also leave you different, bigger, and mostly better than you were before.