karl.allison.cooper.jake

I don't know why, but last night it hit me: less than 3 weeks until my doctor's appointment.  While I should be excited about that visit because we might get our go-ahead to "get back in the game," I found myself crying.  Not sobbing, not even a constant stream of tears, just the occasional one that became too heavy to rest beneath the surface.  I cried for what we've been through these past 10 months, and I cried for what's ahead.  They were sad tears intermingled with happy tears.  

Although there were many memories that I thought about last night, there was one in particular that came to mind: the night that followed my SIS when our doctor advised us to take a break and try to grow my uterus, thus beginning what I refer to as the "100 Day Wait."  I was so distraught that there was a new problem when my original problem was finally getting better.  In fact, I was still distraught over having an original problem at all.  I was angry and fearful and sad.  I had just finished the Clomid the day before and was still a little dizzy and queasy from it, and I was taking antibiotics to prevent an infection from the HSG and SIS.  Well, I didn't feel like eating dinner that night.  However, I did take the antibiotic.  Within 30 minutes, I was sick as a dog.  As I hung my head over the toilet, I cried uncontrollably.  Everything hurt and ached, but it was my heart that hurt the most.  What was so wrong with me that God didn't want me to have a child?  There are mothers out there who murder their children and sell them in exchange for drugs and abuse them and leave them in garbage cans to die.  Why did God give them children when they didn't desire them or care for them?  Why me?  I will make a good mother.  I will love my children and protect them and take care of them.  I will do anything for their benefit, but yet God chose to make me infertile.  Why?

I think at some point we all struggle with similar questions as these.  I know God has a reason, but it is still hard when you're in the midst of that suffering.  I had said that I wanted to start this blog for different reasons, but one of those reasons was so that I would not forget what we went through.  That is one night I don't want to forget.  It was one of the worst nights I've been through in this journey.  Emotionally, physically, mentally, I was at a very low point.  However, the next morning, I got up, went to work (can't say I didn't cry many times that day), and made it through the day.  I've made it through almost two months since that night, and I will continue to make it through the days ahead because God is with me and provides me with the strength to "make it."

How amazing is that love that God has for each of us?  How beautiful is that constant presence in our lives?  What a relief to know that in each step and each moment, He is there with me! He was there that night, and He will be there the moment our child is born. 

And it was that peace that swept over me again last night that caused the happy tears.