How We Found Out I Was Pregnant

I promised a post on the day we found out, so here it is...

After our IUI on December 9th, Dr. H. told us we had about a 3% chance of it working. The odds were not in our favor. As I laid on the table for my 20 minute post-IUI rest, Away in a Manger was playing over the speakers. As a little girl that was my favorite Christmas song. I just remember thinking about the words a nurse had said to us 2 days before, "Maybe you'll get a Christmas miracle." Maybe...

As the days after the IUI passed, I began to think Dr. H. was right-the IUI hadn't worked. The OHSS I was promised because of my escalated estrogen numbers never occurred, and there was no tenderness in my chest. I even remember looking at Karl one morning and asking him if he would truly be okay if we never had children. This man would support me no matter what, so he of course answered yes, a life with just me would be fine with him. Little did we know that God had already made us parents by that morning.

On December 21st, I went to the doctor's office to have my blood taken, as was my weekly habit. I was a little annoyed at having to go when I "knew" I wasn't pregnant. Within a couple hours, which is much earlier than normal, the doctor's office called and left me a message asking me to call them because they needed to talk to me. I panicked. What had my crazy hormones done now?!?! Karl said they probably were just going to try to set up an IVF meeting with us for the first of the year. Never did it enter our minds that we were about to hear the most wonderful words we'd ever heard. When the nurse returned my phone call 2 hours after I returned hers, she simply said, "It looks like Santa came early." I was baffled. What was she talking about? She must have picked up on my confusion because she then said, "You're pregnant!" What did she say? How could it be? I'm pregnant? I'm pregnant! My first response was, "Are you sure?" She affirmed that she was sure and my beta count was great. All I could say the remainder of our conversation (which I have never been able to recall) was, "I can't believe it!" When Karl and I got home, I took a digital home pregnancy test because I had convinced myself that somehow the doctor's office had confused my results with someone else's, and within a minute 'Pregnant' popped up. Pure shock set in at that point!

People have asked me if I cried, and I didn't. People have asked if I laughed with joy, and I didn't. I was beyond amazed, and the entire day became surreal to me. I felt like I was in a dream. I was overcome with pure joy in a way I've never experienced before. It is so hard to describe the emotions from that glorious day. I could compare it to that first breath you take after being under water for almost too long. I could compare it to walking into a brightly lit room after being in complete darkness. I could compare it to turning a corner on a deserted, treacherous path and seeing the most beautiful field of flowers. However, I know that no words or comparisons can accurately depict how wonderful and life-changing and beautiful that day was.

It was one phone call that started us on our journey through infertility, and one phone call that changed our path and started us on a new journey. It's amazing how a few words spoken in a matter of seconds can completely change your life.

Doctors, Doctors, and Doctors

I realized last night that from the time I started my last period to today, I have visited 4 different doctors and have been to the doctor at least once a week for the past 12 weeks! I know my insurance company must really love me!

I graduated from our fertility specialist on January 27th, which was just days after my 1 year anniversary with them. It was such a fulfilling, wonderful feeling to walk out those doors knowing I had gotten what I had originally walked in for. However, I didn't leave without first shedding a few tears. I had been in that office almost once a week for a year, and naturally I had formed a bond with many of the nurses and staff there. They had helped me through a time of great sadness and uncertainty. As I crossed the waiting room that last time to exit the office, I saw several other women sitting in there... waiting for an appointment, waiting for blood work, waiting for an ultrasound... waiting for a baby. So many times when I walked into that office, I felt relief upon entering. It was the one place I could go where every other person in the room knew exactly how I felt. But now I carried in me more than just the dream we all shared, and it was time for me to move on.

The next week I met our high risk specialist, who scared me to death. Obviously being with a high risk doctor means there are things about you or your pregnancy that are not normal and need to be more closely monitored. I am a high risk patient because my uterus is T-shaped, which means it is very possible I could have this baby early. Dr. G. was very blunt with us and had me in tears within a few minutes of meeting him. Apparently being very forward is his style, which is fine, but I would have loved a little sugar-coating or kindness. Supposedly he is very good at what he does, and Southern charm just isn't his thing.

The following week we meet with my OB. I had not wanted to change back to him, but because we graduated from the fertility specialist sooner than expected, I didn't know where else to go. This doc was the opposite of Dr. G. He is very positive, easy going, and hopeful for the best case scenario. You see, I'm not only a high risk patient, I am a high maintenance patient, and I need someone who will work to ensure the best case scenario, not just hope for it. I left the appointment very unsatisfied and uneasy. Staying with him did not feel right. A couple days later, I started asking around about who friends went to. One doctor's name kept popping up: Dr. K. I called yesterday, and somehow (I definitely feel like God was involved) got an appointment with this ever-so-popular doctor for this morning.

Today Karl and I met Dr. K., and we both loved her! I mean loved her!!! She's knowledgeable, thorough, straight forward, and on the same page as us. Our ultrasound lasted a very long time, and we were able to just watch Baby bounce around and put on a show for us. By the way, Baby was in the mood to impress today. It jumped around like it was on a trampoline. It tried to grab its toes. It turned around so we could see its spine. Whatever it could do to make our hearts feel like they could burst with pride, it did. The heart rate was great, and the sound of the heart beating was literally music to my ears. When Dr. K. was done talking to us, she asked what questions I had for her. As I looked at the FULL page of questions I had going in to the meeting, I couldn't find one that she had not already answered. That's incredible!

Also, if you've ever wondered if doctors/nurses label your file (I have wondered this very often because I feel like if they didn't label it before, they do after having me as a patient), then I think the answer is yes. Dr. K.'s first words after the introductions were over were, "So, you're my new drama queen." I wanted to reply, "Yes, you might want to draw a big crown on my file and write 'High Maintenance' around it!

Cleaning House, Closing a Chapter

I've been cleaning house this morning, and as I was cleaning, I decided there was some stuff that it's time to put away and throw away.

Our struggles through infertility are still very fresh on my mind and heart. As of earlier this morning, a basket on my kitchen counter was still full of my many pill bottles, syringes, alcohol wipes, needles for the Follistim shots, needles for the HCG shots, directions for the medicines, and my biohazard box that has all my used needles. Our file with all our receipts, prescriptions, and schedules (a file that can barely close because of the length of our journey...each paper in there is now a record of each step it took to get us where we thankfully are) sat beside the basket. A box of shots was in my refrigerator. My "How to Get Pregnant" and "How to Deal with Infertility" books were still beside the bathtub. My infertility bible study book was on the dining room table. From room-to-room, there were things that showed the many, many months our lives were marked and defined by our struggles to have a baby.

I obviously haven't held on to our infertility "souvenirs" because they bring back happy memories. It's almost like there's a disbelief that time is over and we finally can let them go. Can we really put that time behind us and close that chapter in our story?!?! I know one chapter always leads to events in another, so a chapter never truly ends, but it does feel refreshing and encouraging to know that we're now in a new, much better one. A friend of mine told me last year that the events that shape our hearts are rarely the ones we would choose for ourselves. I never would have chosen infertility, but I know I'm different because of it. Karl and I both are, and I pray we'll be better people and parents because of all we went through. I know at some point we'll walk with others through their infertility journey, just as so many others walked with us. We'll cry with them, pray with them, try to encourage them, and have a bond with them that we couldn't have had without those 18 months.

As I packed away our books and the many sweet cards we received during those dark days, put away our file, and closed the trash can lid on everything else, my heart filled with joy as I looked around at the pregnancy magazines on my coffee table, the pregnancy books on my bedside table, my new vitamins on the counter, and the ultrasound pictures and Congratulations cards on my dining room table. I know in 6 1/2 months, these things will be replaced with even better things: bottles, baby books, toys, pacifiers, and so much more. I don't normally enjoy cleaning house, but this morning it was just what I needed to do, and I loved it!

First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage...

...then comes the desire to have a child...

that turns into 18 months of trying,

which involves floods of tears,

countless prayers,

a surprise PCOS diagnosis,

the discovery a little, misshapen uterus,

the growing of a uterus,

lots of doctor's appointments,

4 Clomid cycles,

4 injection cycles with IUI's,

and then...

...comes a baby!

Our baby. Those are two words that I wondered if I would ever get to say. Sometimes (many times) it still feels like a dream when I say them. The reality of this blessing is just starting to set in. We are having a baby. How miraculous and humbling! Since the moment we found out (that's a post for another day), I have been in complete awe of God and His workings. Inside my barren womb, God placed a child---a child who grows every day, whose heart beats strong, who wiggles and swims, who is being put together by the hand of God! God is good!

Bye-Bye 2009

It is so hard to believe 2009 is over! As difficult as this past year has been, we have had many successes in our quest for a baby. We switched to a well-known, highly respected fertility specialist last January, grew my uterus over an inch, learned that Clomid is just not for me, and figured out what kind of ovulation induction drugs my body responds to. Not too shabby!

I am thankful for those little victories, but I am also thankful for a new year. There's always a sense of accomplishment when one year ends and a new one begins. There's also a sense of excitement and anticipation about what's to come. I've always loved waking up on New Year's Day morning and thinking about what might be in store for that year.

Bye-bye 2009 and welcome 2010!

p.s. We're having a little debate in this house... Do we say the new year as "two thousand ten" or "twenty ten"? As a teacher, I'm a little nervous about what to tell my kids next week when we do calendar! :)

One more 2009 victory that was too early in the making to reveal in this post originally: we received a Christmas miracle! On December 21, 2009, Karl and I found out we are expecting our first child! 2009 was truly a year of overcoming and success! We have much to look forward to in this new year and are beyond thrilled to be starting 2010 as a family of 3!

What I Love About IUI Days

We are scheduled for an IUI on Wednesday morning! My estrogen came back at 3,200 today, which is really high. Dr. H. herself called to let me know that. She's never called me before. It made me nervous to hear her voice on my voicemail! The highest I've ever been was 1,970 back in July. Apparently there's an increase in the chance of multiples when your numbers are that high, but that's good news to me! I have one mature follicle at 1.92 cm, and two almost-mature ones at 1.66 each (they'll be close to mature by Wednesday). Then there are so many smaller ones that I lost count. They're too small to matter though. However, it's all those little ones that I think spiked my estrogen. When my estrogen was high this summer, I had mild OHSS (ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome) after the IUI. That's when the ovaries swell and the follicles fill back up with fluid, which puts a lot of weight on the ovaries. Your abdominal cavity also fills with the fluid and swells. It's pretty uncomfortable and can be dangerous when it's severe. Dr. H. said I should expect it to be a little worse this time than it was in the summer (not severe though). I'm okay with that. Now I have the perfect excuse to leave all vacuuming, laundry, and housework to Karl! :)
I'm very excited about our IUI though! I have come to look forward to and treasure our IUI days. This is the day when we could make a baby! We normally get to the hospital around 7:30. We do what we need to do to get what we need from Karl (I'll spare you the details), and then we have an hour and a half to piddle around while they get everything ready for us. We use that time to go to the Starbucks in the main part of the hospital and get coffee and vanilla bean scones. We always enjoy people-watching during this time! After that, we visit the gift shop and browse through a couple magazines. Normally by that point, it's about time to head back upstairs. When they take us back to the room, I get situated, and then a doctor comes in to do the actual insemination. Dr. H. always prays over us at this point when she does the IUI. That's just one of many prayers that is sent to God from us that day. We have about 20 minutes of time alone after that, and I stay flat on the table to prevent gravity from messing things up. Sometimes they do an ultrasound to check and see if I'm ovulating, but sometimes they don't. Then we're free to go. On the way home, we stop for lunch, and then I spend the rest of the day resting in bed or on the couch. I know it doesn't sound like an exciting day, but it could be the beginning of my child's life, and that is the most exciting thing in the whole world! It truly feels like Christmas day with all the anticipation and excitement that go into that day, and then the thrill and joy of the day itself. It really is a wonderful and special day.

No IVF Yet

After Dr. H. talked to us about moving on to in-vitro, I was very upset. I felt I had failed once again. However, I knew I had a month to think about it, and I was sure at the end of that month I would have my conquering spirit back. I was wrong. Throughout the month, I sat down to read our folder of information many times, and each time I stopped because I was so upset over it. I prayed, and the uneasiness never went away. I became so frustrated over it that the mere thought of it made me cry. I want a baby, and I want one now (I'm obviously not blessed with large amounts of patience :)), but yet in-vitro just didn't feel right to me. I couldn't pin-point why, and that just added to the frustration. As my month started drawing to a close, I began to feel a little excited about doing it and like I was ready for battle again. I think I was trying to convince myself that this is what we needed to do. Then when I started my period Saturday morning, I had a big meltdown! My month was up. It was time to make a decision, but I didn't know what to do. In-vitro didn't feel right, but doing nothing at all didn't feel right either. Karl asked me if I would want to do another injections cycle, and I said I thought that was a great idea. We already had a meeting with Dr. H. scheduled for Tuesday to discuss the in-vitro, so we could discuss injections instead. I was so scared to talk to her though! Here she is, our doctor who we trust, and we are telling her that we don't like what she thinks is best for us and would rather to something she said is highly unlikely to be successful for us. When I told her that fear after we talked about doing injections again, she said she was anything but offended and hopes that we will always be true to our feelings and trust our instincts. She said if I'm not at peace with doing in-vitro, then we don't need to do it right now. She also talked to us about how we need to believe that God is using infertility to shape our hearts, and that as painful as this is, we will be better people because of it.

I can't say that I feel particularly great about this cycle (our chances are slim and the numbers for my blood work came back higher than they ever have before, which is a little concerning), but I'm trying to trust that each month is bringing us closer to our baby. If it doesn't work this time, we will still be one month closer to starting that precious life.