Love, Love, Love and Drama, Drama, Drama

This has nothing to do with infertility, but I just had to say my favorite thing I have discovered this summer is The Real Housewives of New Jersey. As Teresa (one of the wives) would say, "I love, love, love it." Last night was the final reunion, and through the mix of controversy and drama that were involved in it, I kind of teared up (not really, but it almost happened) when I realized there were only a few minutes left. Now my new friends are out of my life, so I'm contemplating moving to Franklin Lakes, NJ to be their neighbor. I think Teresa and I could be BFF! If you didn't watch this season, you missed a great thing! This was my first Housewives season to watch, and I was hooked within 5 minutes of the first episode. Thank you, Casey, for introducing me to this new obsession! :)

If anyone knows what/how Danielle threatened Dina, please let me know. I've been trying to find out on the internet, but I can't find it. For Caroline to get that upset, it had to be BIG!

To kind of relate this back to infertility, here's the link for Jacqueline's fertility bracelet: http://www.zenjewelz.com/rhnj.htm. I thought about maybe getting it for myself until I saw the price. I can't help but wonder how much it was before it was advertised on the show!

Jon and Kate Plus 8

I have been tuning in every Monday night for about a year and a half, and I fell in love with those precious children immediately! Kate was the first person I ever heard of who had PCOS, and I even thought, "What is that?" when I heard her say it. Then after I was diagnosed with it, I found great comfort in watching their 8 children grow and play. When Karl found out that Kate and I have the same thing, he begged me not to watch it anymore in fear that we would have multiples too. :)

I am so disappointed in Jon and Kate right now. I know marriage is hard, and I can only imagine how stressful it is to raise 8 children. However, I also know what it means to fight for a family. Infertility is a physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual fight. It's not a fight you endure a few times a week or even a few times a day. It's a constant fight, and not an hour passes that you're not in battle with it.

Jon and Kate know what it's like to fight that fight. They fought it themselves. I am sure at one point their days were plagued with fear and heartache. How do you go through all that, conquer it, and then so easily let your family break in two? On last night's episode, they said the past 7-8 months have been really hard, and from watching the show, there's been obvious tension in their relationship longer than that, but what is 7-8 months when you've been married for 10 years, gone through infertility, had a severely risky pregnancy, and have 8 children together? I don't know how many times this season they've said everything they do is for their children. If you don't care to fight for your marriage because of your spouse, then do it because of your children. Having a family was important enough to them that they fought for that a lot longer than 7-8 months. Now they can just let it go? How sad.

Infertility doesn't make your marriage fireproof, but it does teach you how to fight for something together. I just hope Karl and I don't forget the lessons we've learned through this quite as easily as they did.

GODISNOWHERE

The Prometrium finally worked! I started on Friday morning. To simply say I was excited was an understatement! The past two cycles we've had such a hard time figuring out what day should count as day 1 since I was spotting. This time there was no spotting, and already I felt a huge burden lifted. I immediately called my RE's office to schedule my baseline blood work and ultrasound. They said I could go ahead and come in that morning. I even thought to myself, "Wow! This is all going so smoothly. I just know this is going to be the cycle!"

During the ultrasound, the nurse was checking my ovaries, and that's when she said, "Uh oh." As we all know, that's never a good remark coming from someone in the medical profession. My heart immediately fell, and I started doing everything in my power to choke back tears. The nurse turned the screen towards me, and I saw a big round thing. I knew exactly what it was: a cyst. Her next remark was, "It's really big." She repeated that same remark two other times before my ultrasound was done, and that alone was putting me on the edge of a meltdown. She said their policy is to not give a patient any new drugs for that cycle (including Clomid) if there is a cyst of 3 cm or greater. Mine was 3 cm (which definitely did not deserve the "it's so big" remark 3 different times). The Clomid could cause the cyst to grow even more and cause problems. The hope is that if I don't take any stimulants this month, the cyst will disappear on its own within 30 days. I will go back to the doctor on day 32 of my cycle, they'll do an ultrasound, and if it's gone, they'll give me a progesterone shot to induce a new cycle. That way I won't have to take the pills for 10 days.

Here's the thing: I don't take "no" very well. Also, I love nothing more than to prove people wrong when they say that I can't do something. I've always been very stubborn and very independent. The nurse did say that we could try on our own, but to not get my hopes up given my history. When you're infertile, hope is all you have to ease that ache in your heart, and you cling to that hope despite what any nurse or doctor tells you.

We are going to try on our own this month. If I were to get pregnant, no one could deny God's hand in that miracle. No credit could be passed off to doctors or modern medicine or anything outside of God. Our child would be a living testimony of God's mercy and healing. I know our chances, according to what medicine says, are low this month; however, I also know that God made a blind man see and God brought children to many couples in the Bible who had battled infertility. God grants miracles, and God creates life in barren women. That's recorded in His Word and is visible in our lives today.

Months ago at church, our pastor put this up on the screen and asked us what we saw:

GODISNOWHERE

I'll be honest, I read it as "God is no where," and was shocked our pastor would even put something up like that. But when he read it, he said, "God is now here." His point was that although we sometimes feel as if God cannot be found in our lives, He is always with us.

There have been many times in this journey that I have felt that God has abandoned me or forgotten me or doesn't hear my cries and prayers. I pray that this month can be one of those times that a tally mark goes in God's column as being "here" and no one who hears our story can ever say that "God is no where" again. I pray that my child will be a doubtful man's proof that God is real and working in every life He creates.

Patience

If you know me, then you know I have the patience of a hornet on a regular day, so just imagine how wonderfully delightful I am to be around when I've taken medicine for 10 days that puts me in full PMS mode and my period is late (not because I'm pregnant... just because my body likes to do things in its own time)! So, while I'm trying to be patient in waiting for my period, I'm about to pull my hair out! I finished the Prometrium (to induce a new cycle) on Sunday night. The past two times I've taken medicine to induce a cycle, I've started spotting either the last day of the medicine or the very next day, and then I've started my period within 3 days of finishing the medicine. I'm not even spotting; however, for the past week, I have had severe mood swings/PMS. I actually got mad at Karl on Sunday for pulling his food off his fork with his teeth because the noise was annoying me. A few nights ago, I got mad when we were going to sleep because he was breathing in my direction, and I could hear him (in my defense, he does have a sinus infection, so the sound of him breathing is on the verge of snoring). And the Prometrium says that mood swings are only a possible side effect! LOL! Just so you know, I'm cringing as I recall what a you-know-what I've been to live with the past week. I am not proud of any of this, and I admire Karl immensely for putting up with me. People underestimate the power of hormones! I've spent the past two days working in my classroom since Karl is working from the house because I feel it is best for my marriage if I spend limited waking hours with my husband. Another side effect from the Prometrium this time has been hot flashes. I doubt hot flashes are ever pleasant, but they are brutal in the summer! I had one folding clothes, in church, talking to our bookkeeper at school, and a couple other times. Despite the fact that I've had all the listed side effects, I still haven't started my period! Ugh!

Humpty Dumpty

Broken.

Throughout this journey I have struggled with many emotions. I've felt sad, I've been angry, I've been afraid, I've felt lost. Today I realized the overall feeling from infertility that all the other emotions have splintered from: it's a feeling of brokenness. Your body is broken. Your heart is broken. Your faith is broken.

I also came to another realization. This journey has changed my heart. I have learned so many things through this that I never would have learned otherwise. Although I never would have picked this obstacle for myself, I believe without a doubt that God picked it for me. He created me with stubborn ovaries and a misshapen uterus. He placed the desire for children so heavily in my heart that there are times I actually feel it ache. He lined up certain people in my life at a specific time so that when this journey would begin, I wouldn't feel alone. He knew that struggling to conceive a child would hit me in the very depths of my soul. And before I even knew that this would be my path, He cleared it for me.

I might feel broken now, but God will put me put me back together. Although I won't be the same, I trust that I'll be better.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Not this time

My little follies from the other day were still little today.  Although my endometrium had thickened slightly, it still wasn't thick enough, so even if the follicles had grown to 1.8 cm, it wouldn't have mattered.  I'm still waiting to hear how my labs looked today and if I can begin the medicine to make me start again, or as the nurse said, "Cancel this cycle."  I liked that terminology.  It's a "moving right along" attitude, which I like because the waiting part of infertility kills me.  

Karl's attitude about it was also wonderful.  I asked him last night for his prediction on today's appointment (this has become a little tradition for us).  He said he thought they would have grown, but in case they hadn't, we didn't want those eggs anyway.  If they're not going to play by our rules, then they can't play at all, and if they're not bringing their A-game, they're not for our team.  Champions (meaning eggs that will fertilize and stick) are not made out of "half-ass, lazy" eggs. His kick-butt attitude made me smile.  

I think husbands of infertile wives are often overlooked in the heartache and anxiety that infertility causes.  I know it's hard on Karl to want to have a baby and not have one or see me break down and not be able to make it all better or have to rearrange his entire work schedule so that he can go to a 30 minute doctor's appointment with me.  He's made it clear all along that this is our journey, not just mine.  He has never, in any way, made me feel guilty or blamed me for this trying time in our lives.  He has held me when I cried, calmed me down when I've gotten angry, brought me dinner in bed when I'm having an especially hard day (and even taken my plate when I'm finished eating and put it in the dishwasher), found ways to make me laugh when I'm in a bad mood, and so much more.  He has, day after day, done everything he can to make me feel better.  

The other day, during a meltdown, I told him I would rather go through this with anyone but him.  I did a horrible job wording my thought at the time.  What I was wanting to convey was how much I hated that he was involved in this because I know it hurts him very deeply.  I love him so much, and his strength and optimistic outlook have carried me through this.  If you know my husband, you know what an admirable, dependable, honest, and truly amazing man he is.  He is a gentleman.  He is kind and compassionate.  I admire him for so many reasons.  I find myself falling in love with him all over again each and every day.  It kills me to know that I have brought this hurt into his life.  I have put him in a position where he has to put on a strong front because some days I just fall apart.  But he never complains.  Although I would rather go through this with anyone but him to prevent him from hurting, I couldn't imagine and wouldn't want to go through it with anyone else.  

It's Not Over 'Til The Fat Lady Sings...

...and thankfully she didn't sing yesterday!  Karl and I went to my RE's office yesterday morning so we could find out why I hadn't shown a surge on the OPTs I took all weekend long.  They took blood first and then did the ultrasound.  My response to the 100 mg is nothing like my response to the 200 mg, and I could tell that as soon as my right ovary came up on the screen.  Last time there were these little circles all over the place; this time my untrained eye was having trouble finding anything.  There were 2 follicles on the right, but only 1 was worth measuring.  Even then, it still measured under a cm (the follicle has to be at least 1.8 cm for them to trigger ovulation).  On my left ovary, I had 1 follicle that measured at just 1.0 cm.  Next she measured my endometrium, and it measured at .5 and needs to be at .8.  While I dressed, she reviewed my file, and then came back to talk to us.  She said she thinks it is still just early in my cycle for me.  She said sometimes PCOS women take a little longer to develop, and based on the fact that there are a couple follicles, but they're still kind of small, and that my endometrium isn't quite thick enough (it thickens during your cycle so that if you get pregnant, the embryo has a nice cushion to attach itself to when it makes it way to your uterus), I'm just not quite ready for ovulation.  She said if my blood results matched what she was thinking, then we would need to come back on Friday morning for another round of blood work and an ultrasound.  I asked her if it is possible that the follicles will have grown more by then, and she said yes.  That gave me a little hope that our chances for conceiving this cycle aren't over.  Sure enough, my blood results were consistent with my ultrasound, so we'll go back Friday morning and hopefully everything will look better.  If you read this between now and then, please, please, please say a little prayer for us that at least one follicle will have grown big enough and that my endometrium will be thicker.  I believe in the power of prayer, and any prayers sent on our behalf mean more to me than I write.  All I can say is, "Thank you," but please know that I mean that with all my heart.