The Stitch, Part II

Yesterday went really well! It turned out to be a great day altogether. We had an appointment with our high-risk doctor first, and we had a very detailed ultrasound while we were there. The baby looks great! Then we made our way to the women's waiting room, and I only sat down about 5 minutes before getting called back. I had the most wonderful nurses our entire time there, and the surgery itself went really well. The whole hospital/surgery thing was very new to me (before yesterday the extent to my medical attention was getting cavities filled!), but nothing about it was bad. They ended up doing a spinal block instead of an epidural to numb me, which worked great, but getting it wasn't bad either. Also, Dr. K. put 2 stitches in instead of 1 to help ensure the cerclage is successful. Overall, I feel more prepared now for when we go back to have the baby in 6 months!

Just FYI, it looks like we're having a son! It is still a little early to know for sure, but we were told yesterday that it is highly, highly, highly likely that our little one is a little boy!

As another side note, I have gotten so many text messages since Sunday afternoon, and I feel awful for not returning them! The problem is I can't read them! I dropped my cell phone on our kitchen floor Sunday morning, and now the screen is completely white and the top part of the phone is barely attached to the bottom part. I'm up for a new cell phone on Saturday, thank goodness, but until then, I can't make calls, know if I have missed calls, or read text messages; I can receive phone calls though.

The Stitch

On Monday I am having a cerclage done, which is when they put a stitch in your cervix to try to keep you from dilating early. It was recommended by Dr. H. (fertility specialist) and Dr. G. (high risk specialist), and Dr. K. (OB) thought it was a really good idea too. During my HSG (dye test) last year, we found out that my uterus was little and T-shaped. When Dr. H. was telling us this, I lit up because I thought that it was so appropriate and cute for a kindergarten teacher who spends day after day teaching the alphabet to have a body part shaped like a letter. I can still see the look on Dr. H.'s face when I said this to her! Apparently, that's not how it's supposed to be. It's supposed to look like an upside down pear. One of the scary things about a T-shaped uterus is that you can go into labor early, possibly too early. In an effort to prevent that, Dr. K. is going to sew my cervix shut (she said it's just one stitch that they pull together like purse strings; I don't think that makes it sound anymore pleasant though).

I'm a little nervous about this. I will walk through fire for this little one, but I don't want anything to happen to it. There are risks with everything, and the cerclage is no exception. However, the risks are minimal, and the benefits are great. I'm still scared though. I know so many of you have prayed for us through all of this, and for each prayer, I am very grateful. If you think about it, please say another little prayer on Monday that everything will go great, and our precious baby will be and will stay completely safe and happy in my womb.

Surprise Party

I have wonderful friends. I know everyone thinks their friends are special, but mine really are!

A couple weeks ago, my friends planned a "progressive dinner" to which I said I could not go. The first trimester fatigue was getting the best of me, and I just wouldn't be able to make it. Karl kept pushing and pushing us going, so I told him that he needed to be more understanding and respectful of me during this time. Well, I actually yelled at him and told him he was being a big jerk and needed to leave me alone, but I think it sounds better the other way! After making me feel really bad about not going, I agreed to go...but only for a little bit. Well, I sure am glad I did!

The night was not actually about a progressive dinner, but it was a surprise party to celebrate our little blessing. I could not have been more surprised! These girls have been through so much with me, and they were so comforting and encouraging when we were trying to get pregnant. To celebrate with them meant the world to me! Here are some pictures of that special night.

We ate mini-barbeque sandwiches, chips and salsa, chips with a great cheese dip, jalapenos stuffed with cream cheese and wrapped in bacon, fruit salsa with cinnamon pita chips, pound cake, and some very special cupcakes.

Here are our cupcakes! The chocolate ones spelled out "Congratulations!" and the white ones had polka dots on them.

My wonderful friends! We all went to college together, but I have known some of these girls since middle school! From left to right: Maleah, Carlee, Lauren, me, Donielle, Melissa, Leah, and Megan. Anne Marie and Grace arrived right after the picture.

Thanks, Honey, for talking me into coming!

Thank you so much for my special party! I am very blessed to have each of you as friends!

How We Found Out I Was Pregnant

I promised a post on the day we found out, so here it is...

After our IUI on December 9th, Dr. H. told us we had about a 3% chance of it working. The odds were not in our favor. As I laid on the table for my 20 minute post-IUI rest, Away in a Manger was playing over the speakers. As a little girl that was my favorite Christmas song. I just remember thinking about the words a nurse had said to us 2 days before, "Maybe you'll get a Christmas miracle." Maybe...

As the days after the IUI passed, I began to think Dr. H. was right-the IUI hadn't worked. The OHSS I was promised because of my escalated estrogen numbers never occurred, and there was no tenderness in my chest. I even remember looking at Karl one morning and asking him if he would truly be okay if we never had children. This man would support me no matter what, so he of course answered yes, a life with just me would be fine with him. Little did we know that God had already made us parents by that morning.

On December 21st, I went to the doctor's office to have my blood taken, as was my weekly habit. I was a little annoyed at having to go when I "knew" I wasn't pregnant. Within a couple hours, which is much earlier than normal, the doctor's office called and left me a message asking me to call them because they needed to talk to me. I panicked. What had my crazy hormones done now?!?! Karl said they probably were just going to try to set up an IVF meeting with us for the first of the year. Never did it enter our minds that we were about to hear the most wonderful words we'd ever heard. When the nurse returned my phone call 2 hours after I returned hers, she simply said, "It looks like Santa came early." I was baffled. What was she talking about? She must have picked up on my confusion because she then said, "You're pregnant!" What did she say? How could it be? I'm pregnant? I'm pregnant! My first response was, "Are you sure?" She affirmed that she was sure and my beta count was great. All I could say the remainder of our conversation (which I have never been able to recall) was, "I can't believe it!" When Karl and I got home, I took a digital home pregnancy test because I had convinced myself that somehow the doctor's office had confused my results with someone else's, and within a minute 'Pregnant' popped up. Pure shock set in at that point!

People have asked me if I cried, and I didn't. People have asked if I laughed with joy, and I didn't. I was beyond amazed, and the entire day became surreal to me. I felt like I was in a dream. I was overcome with pure joy in a way I've never experienced before. It is so hard to describe the emotions from that glorious day. I could compare it to that first breath you take after being under water for almost too long. I could compare it to walking into a brightly lit room after being in complete darkness. I could compare it to turning a corner on a deserted, treacherous path and seeing the most beautiful field of flowers. However, I know that no words or comparisons can accurately depict how wonderful and life-changing and beautiful that day was.

It was one phone call that started us on our journey through infertility, and one phone call that changed our path and started us on a new journey. It's amazing how a few words spoken in a matter of seconds can completely change your life.

Doctors, Doctors, and Doctors

I realized last night that from the time I started my last period to today, I have visited 4 different doctors and have been to the doctor at least once a week for the past 12 weeks! I know my insurance company must really love me!

I graduated from our fertility specialist on January 27th, which was just days after my 1 year anniversary with them. It was such a fulfilling, wonderful feeling to walk out those doors knowing I had gotten what I had originally walked in for. However, I didn't leave without first shedding a few tears. I had been in that office almost once a week for a year, and naturally I had formed a bond with many of the nurses and staff there. They had helped me through a time of great sadness and uncertainty. As I crossed the waiting room that last time to exit the office, I saw several other women sitting in there... waiting for an appointment, waiting for blood work, waiting for an ultrasound... waiting for a baby. So many times when I walked into that office, I felt relief upon entering. It was the one place I could go where every other person in the room knew exactly how I felt. But now I carried in me more than just the dream we all shared, and it was time for me to move on.

The next week I met our high risk specialist, who scared me to death. Obviously being with a high risk doctor means there are things about you or your pregnancy that are not normal and need to be more closely monitored. I am a high risk patient because my uterus is T-shaped, which means it is very possible I could have this baby early. Dr. G. was very blunt with us and had me in tears within a few minutes of meeting him. Apparently being very forward is his style, which is fine, but I would have loved a little sugar-coating or kindness. Supposedly he is very good at what he does, and Southern charm just isn't his thing.

The following week we meet with my OB. I had not wanted to change back to him, but because we graduated from the fertility specialist sooner than expected, I didn't know where else to go. This doc was the opposite of Dr. G. He is very positive, easy going, and hopeful for the best case scenario. You see, I'm not only a high risk patient, I am a high maintenance patient, and I need someone who will work to ensure the best case scenario, not just hope for it. I left the appointment very unsatisfied and uneasy. Staying with him did not feel right. A couple days later, I started asking around about who friends went to. One doctor's name kept popping up: Dr. K. I called yesterday, and somehow (I definitely feel like God was involved) got an appointment with this ever-so-popular doctor for this morning.

Today Karl and I met Dr. K., and we both loved her! I mean loved her!!! She's knowledgeable, thorough, straight forward, and on the same page as us. Our ultrasound lasted a very long time, and we were able to just watch Baby bounce around and put on a show for us. By the way, Baby was in the mood to impress today. It jumped around like it was on a trampoline. It tried to grab its toes. It turned around so we could see its spine. Whatever it could do to make our hearts feel like they could burst with pride, it did. The heart rate was great, and the sound of the heart beating was literally music to my ears. When Dr. K. was done talking to us, she asked what questions I had for her. As I looked at the FULL page of questions I had going in to the meeting, I couldn't find one that she had not already answered. That's incredible!

Also, if you've ever wondered if doctors/nurses label your file (I have wondered this very often because I feel like if they didn't label it before, they do after having me as a patient), then I think the answer is yes. Dr. K.'s first words after the introductions were over were, "So, you're my new drama queen." I wanted to reply, "Yes, you might want to draw a big crown on my file and write 'High Maintenance' around it!

Cleaning House, Closing a Chapter

I've been cleaning house this morning, and as I was cleaning, I decided there was some stuff that it's time to put away and throw away.

Our struggles through infertility are still very fresh on my mind and heart. As of earlier this morning, a basket on my kitchen counter was still full of my many pill bottles, syringes, alcohol wipes, needles for the Follistim shots, needles for the HCG shots, directions for the medicines, and my biohazard box that has all my used needles. Our file with all our receipts, prescriptions, and schedules (a file that can barely close because of the length of our journey...each paper in there is now a record of each step it took to get us where we thankfully are) sat beside the basket. A box of shots was in my refrigerator. My "How to Get Pregnant" and "How to Deal with Infertility" books were still beside the bathtub. My infertility bible study book was on the dining room table. From room-to-room, there were things that showed the many, many months our lives were marked and defined by our struggles to have a baby.

I obviously haven't held on to our infertility "souvenirs" because they bring back happy memories. It's almost like there's a disbelief that time is over and we finally can let them go. Can we really put that time behind us and close that chapter in our story?!?! I know one chapter always leads to events in another, so a chapter never truly ends, but it does feel refreshing and encouraging to know that we're now in a new, much better one. A friend of mine told me last year that the events that shape our hearts are rarely the ones we would choose for ourselves. I never would have chosen infertility, but I know I'm different because of it. Karl and I both are, and I pray we'll be better people and parents because of all we went through. I know at some point we'll walk with others through their infertility journey, just as so many others walked with us. We'll cry with them, pray with them, try to encourage them, and have a bond with them that we couldn't have had without those 18 months.

As I packed away our books and the many sweet cards we received during those dark days, put away our file, and closed the trash can lid on everything else, my heart filled with joy as I looked around at the pregnancy magazines on my coffee table, the pregnancy books on my bedside table, my new vitamins on the counter, and the ultrasound pictures and Congratulations cards on my dining room table. I know in 6 1/2 months, these things will be replaced with even better things: bottles, baby books, toys, pacifiers, and so much more. I don't normally enjoy cleaning house, but this morning it was just what I needed to do, and I loved it!

First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage...

...then comes the desire to have a child...

that turns into 18 months of trying,

which involves floods of tears,

countless prayers,

a surprise PCOS diagnosis,

the discovery a little, misshapen uterus,

the growing of a uterus,

lots of doctor's appointments,

4 Clomid cycles,

4 injection cycles with IUI's,

and then...

...comes a baby!

Our baby. Those are two words that I wondered if I would ever get to say. Sometimes (many times) it still feels like a dream when I say them. The reality of this blessing is just starting to set in. We are having a baby. How miraculous and humbling! Since the moment we found out (that's a post for another day), I have been in complete awe of God and His workings. Inside my barren womb, God placed a child---a child who grows every day, whose heart beats strong, who wiggles and swims, who is being put together by the hand of God! God is good!