School's Out for Summer!

The lazy days of summer are finally here!  On Thursday afternoon, I lovingly whisked my 19 little darlings out my classroom door and then stood in the middle of my empty classroom and cheered! 

Green Light

Yesterday we were given the green light to get back to trying!  Wow!  How long have I waited for that news?!  100 days or something like that?!

There were a few of small cysts on my right ovary, but all of them were too small to cause any problems or setbacks for us at this time.  In addition to the ultrasound, they did a pregnancy test just to verify I wasn't pregnant, which I didn't understand how I could have had time to get pregnant with all the medicines I've been taking back-to-back that pretty much ensure I cannot get pregnant while on them.  They had to take blood to do the pregnancy test (I don't think I've yet to visit them and have not been stuck).  Let me say that needles and being poked do not bother me at all, which is good considering I get stuck about once a week, but the nurse was not being very gentle with me.  Normally my blood clots so fast that I might just have a dot of blood on the cotton ball.  Not yesterday.  I bled through the cotton ball and had a nice bump and bruise where she had put the needle in.  Ouch!  I know, I know, toughen up!  

 Immediately after the appointment, we dropped off my Clomid prescription to get filled, and at 1:15, I popped those first two pills.  Yippee!!

Confirmation

This morning I quickly learned that if yesterday was not day 1, then today most definitely was.  I have been "full flow" and had intense cramps today.  As oddly as it sounds, that's an answered prayer.  I prayed last night for the frustration and confusion I felt yesterday, and this morning, God took away all of it.  There was no denying that I was on a new cycle.  The nurse I spoke to this afternoon said she would consider yesterday as day 1 based on the information I shared with her.  I don't have to go for early cycle blood work this time, but I do have to go for an ultrasound on Friday morning at 11:00 to make sure no cysts have developed on my ovaries and that they look good and healthy.  If they do, then I will begin the Clomid that afternoon (100 mg on days 5-9).  Just on a side note, Friday would be day 100 of the "100 Day Wait."  What a wonderful way to reach that day (I'm ahead of where I thought I'd be) and kick off my summer break!  

The emotional aspects of beginning a new cycle are also in full swing today.  I know the dangers of getting my hopes up.  I know the devastation I feel when things don't work out the way I long for.  I know that the disappointment that goes along with infertility can physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually break me.  But...

I also know that if you don't let yourself believe in the victory you seek, the fight to get there can defeat you.  You have to have something to fight for, something that makes every obstacle worth overcoming.  You have to believe that every ounce of joy is greater than every pound of pain.  Therefore, today I let myself dream.  I let my mind wonder to what may happen.  I opened my heart to a life that has yet to be created.  I found myself falling madly in love with a child that God currently holds for us.  I asked myself the same question I ask at the start of each new cycle: Could this cycle be the one?

Is this it?

Today might be the beginning of a new cycle.  I think.  I'm not positive.  I've been guzzling water since lunch to make me go to the bathroom so I can check. But don't worry, I will definitely be calling the doctor tomorrow.  As you may recall, I tend to have trouble knowing when I officially start.  Remember The Waiting Game back in February?  I know it seems easy enough, but it's complicated.  So, tomorrow I'm going to call the doctor and ask my little question that probably will make the nurse wonder exactly what business I have trying to become a mommy when I don't even know something that most people would consider obvious.  Not only is it slightly embarrassing that I'm having to call and seek medical confirmation, this is the second time I've had to call with this question!  Let's hope our children get Karl's intelligence.

If I did in fact start, then today would be day 1 of my first cycle as a healthy girl with ovaries that will function with the assistance of an ovulating-stimulating drug and a normal sized uterus (although slightly misshapen as a letter)!  

The Results

By 11:00 today I still had not heard from the doctor's office, and I really didn't want to go through the weekend not knowing any results from my blood work and MRI.  So, I gave in and called the doctor's office and left a message.  This afternoon the nurse returned my call...

The MRI results came back yesterday afternoon and showed that everything is fine.  Whatever the spots were on the ultrasound were insignificant enough to not even show up on the MRI.  My results from my two blood tests were negative, which was good too.  I asked the nurse if I could go ahead and start the Provera, and she said I could.  Rather than waiting until tomorrow morning to take it, I'm going to start tonight.  I'll take it for ten days and then wait to start my period.  I'm getting close to day 70 of this cycle, so I am more than ready for a new cycle to begin!

In short, we're back in the game!!

A journey of a thousand miles...

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with one small step." Chinese Proverb

I've thought about that proverb many times in the past months, and I have often wondered where the beginning of this journey was for us. Was it when I got off birth control? Was it when I called my doctor because I just couldn't ignore my gut feeling that something was wrong with me anymore? Was it taking fertility medicine for the first time in November? Was it setting up our initial appointment with a specialist? I know the answer of when this began really doesn't matter, but I also know that regardless of the starting point, a journey of a thousand miles also ends with one small step. Although I can't pinpoint the moment this began, I already know what the final step will be: holding our sweet baby in my arms for the first time.

This particular proverb is relevant to my life not only in our infertility journey, but also the course of a school year. I think between Mother's Day being this weekend and the last day of school being a couple of weeks away, I'm just getting sentimental. The growth my kids make each year is simply amazing, and it is such an overwhelming (and victorious) feeling to get to look back on that in May and know that I was a part of it.

Today we worked on our "Parents' Day" cards (I'm combining Mother's Day and Father's Day this year since we don't have school in June). In August, I had children who couldn't even write the first letter of their name, and now they are all writing these precious cards to their parents. There were a couple cards that were extra cute. When I read one child's letter, I couldn't help but tear up (he wrote about how his parents were the "bestest" in the world). I told him that his letter was so good, it gave me happy tears. He told me that was because I was sensitive. ;) I love when they throw out big words like that! Another child today used the word "preposterous." As in, "Hey, that's preposterous!" I asked him what that huge word he just used meant, and he said since I'm the teacher, I should know. I asked if he knew, and he admitted that he wasn't so sure, but it was such a cool word, just like "hippopotamus" is. Anyway... I also read a sweet story to the kids called What Moms Can't Do. At the end of the story, I was a little blue, but that feeling was very short lived as one of my boys began making a throwing up noise. When I asked him what that was about, he told me that story was "sooooo corny." Oh, the joys of kindergarten!

Uterus Update and More

We had our appointment this morning for the ultrasound and meeting with Dr. H. Overall, everything went well. My uterus is a good size now, but there is a new "but.."

During the ultrasound, the technician measured my uterus and looked at my endometrium and ovaries. She said everything looked good and my endometrium was thick. Getting my endometrium to thicken was one of our goals with the estrogen. By the end of my last cycle, it was pretty thin, which is a side effect from the Clomid. I could tell from her measurements that my uterus had grown, but I wasn't sure if it was enough. (By the way, I found out that it is now a whopping 3.1 inches!!!)

Then we met with Dr. H. to go over the ultrasound and get our next plan together. At first, everything was going great. My uterus grew, my endometrium is thick, my ovaries look great, etc. Then we started talking more about my uterus.

The inner cavity of a uterus is supposed to look like a triangle. One of the things we found out from the HSG in February was that mine does not. I have a T-shaped uterus (which as a kindergarten teacher, I thought was very cute). There is nothing she can do to change that, and it can cause some problems for our baby (possible risks: 4-5% chance of a tubal pregnancy, premature baby, baby not in the right position for delivery). However, we are very, very, very lucky to know about this before I got pregnant because we can be on the lookout for those things and prevent anything worse from happening. Due to the abnormal shape of my uterus, we will be with a high risk specialist from the very beginning. After all we've been through, I think it will be comforting to have someone looking out for my baby and me so closely throughout the entire pregnancy.

Next we talked about some spots that showed up on the ultrasound. Dr. H. said these spots are most likely due to adenomyosis (a condition in which tissue that normally lines the endometrium also grows within the muscular walls of the uterus). From what I remember her saying, that's not a big deal. The possible problem is that women who have adenomyosis often also have endometriosis. That made me a little uncomfortable, and I brought up that some women who have endometriosis never are able to have children. Dr. H. said not to worry about that because if I have it, it wouldn't be that serious. So, they did blood work to check some levels, which will suggest if I do or do not have a little endometriosis. I'll get those results back either by the end of this week or beginning of next week. If the levels show that there is a possibility I have it, then they'll do laparoscopic surgery to remove it, and we'll move on. Before we even get there, they want to find out for sure if I do have adenomyosis. I have an MRI scheduled for Monday at noon, and then we'll know the answer to that.

As for my medication, I am to keep taking the estrogen until we have more answers, which will probably be another week. After that, I'll take Provera for 10 days to induce a new cycle and then the Clomid on days 5-9 of my next cycle. She also said that after my incredible response to the 200 mg of Clomid, she wants to knock it down to 100 mg next time. Apparently 25 follicles are just too many! :)

So, I'll close this lengthy post by saying we are in good hands and I am so grateful for Dr. H. and everyone who led us to her. Although we've had a lot of little problems, she keeps fixing them. Step by step, she is making me healthier and helping us become parents to a healthy baby.