A Moment of Honesty

Sometimes I like to read through my blog past. I'm glad I started this blog when I did, and I'm thankful to be reminded of the emotions and feelings and experiences that have gotten us to where we are. Writing on here in the beginning was my outlet during a very trying time. I kept this blog as my little secret for a couple months even. I was embarrassed and a little ashamed to share it. It bore details of a personal nature; details I couldn't bring myself to verbalize without always--and even sometimes unknowingly--crying. As time went on though, I did share it because it became an "easy" way of letting people know what we were going through. Once I got pregnant, this blog took a turn though, and I don't really like where it's gone. It became just another blog. It became filled with pregnancy updates and then pictures and little stories of our baby; fun, lighthearted stuff mostly. It started to lack heart, and more importantly, it started to lack honesty. A fear of being judged snuck in where the honesty had been. I began writing what I thought others would want to read and not what was in my heart. As a Southern girl, I felt like it had to be "pretty". Revealing my fears, mistakes, and uncertainties was not appropriate. I had what I wanted, so everything needed to be nice and rosy, and deep down inside, I was terrified of someone thinking I was doing something wrong as a mom. I no longer documented the feelings of a mother-to-be or a new mother trudging through new, exciting, and often unnerving territory because of a fear that what I was feeling wasn't "normal" or what I was doing wasn't "right". If I have learned one thing as a mom, it's that there is no "normal" or "right"! However, I can't help but believe others, especially those who are honest with themselves, feel that way too. During a parent-teacher conference once, I had a mom, with tears in her eyes, say that hardest thing about being a mom/parent is that you never know if you're truly doing the right thing for your child. You do the best you can, but by the time you know if you did good, they're grown, and you're past the point of being able to do it again, better if needed. I thought at the time that I understood what she was saying, but I didn't truly understand until I had Cooper. I have repeated similar versions of what she said countless times in the past 7 months. With every decision and ever action comes a little voice questioning myself. Is letting him cry it out really best? Should I go rock him back to sleep? Do I give him Tylenol for this? Do I feed him more/less? Etc. There is a lot of doubt in parenting, at least for me there is. A friend who went through infertility before getting pregnant with both of her children eased the frustration I feel with this doubt with something she said. She said that we (moms who went through infertility) put so much pressure on ourselves to do everything just right. We fought so hard and desired our children so much, so we tend to think it's not okay for us to make a mistake, and any negative feelings we might have towards our new role are shockingly horrible for us to feel. For so long, I dreamed of how life would be when we finally had a baby, and when those dreams were not the reality, I was confused, frustrated, and maybe even a little mad about it. Sleepless nights (and days), finicky eating habits, breastfeeding difficulties, crying, sickness--those were not part of the "normal" I had envisioned. Motherhood has been the most amazing, incredible, life changing, challenging, and special thing I have ever been a part of, and I am grateful for every second of it. We have wonderful moments and we have horrible moments in this household. We laugh and we cry. We are learning. I want to once again document the honesty of our lives, as raw and ugly as they might be at times, but also as beautiful and strong as they are too. So judge as you will. But I hope somewhere in my words you find a little piece of yourself, or if nothing else, I hope you feel better about your own parenting skills after reading!